I realize that I'm codependent, and I know that that means that I need to detach. I can detach and have detached several times. Over three years ago, I left my fiance (who was an addict) because I couldn't take any more. He was in jail, and I knew that if he came home, he would not be changed in any way. So I made sure that I was gone before he got out of jail. He hated me for it, but the truth was that I still loved him. I just couldn't let him treat me that way any longer. Then I moved my last boyfriend out and detached from him with absolutely no love. But now I'm married to a wonderful man who is in constant pain and we've been through more crap in the past two months than I think I've ever been through. I, of course, have gone back to my codependent ways, and no one was more surprised than me. But now I'm trying to detach with love, and I honestly don't know what I'm doing. It's hard because as much as I love him, I'm angry with him, even though the problems that are affecting him are out of his control. I'm hurting and grieving the loss of this dream marriage, and he can't be there for me (at least not in the way I want him to be) because he's dealing with his own pain and grief due to the loss of the use of his knee and other problems that have come our way since we got married. I just don't know how to do this without being a bitch, really. I get angry, and I want to lash out and treat him with hostility or be completely insensitive. That's not my personality at all, and it's also not very loving. I know that. But I have such a hard time not taking the things he does personally. I feel alone, so I act as if I'm alone. That, of course, doesn't help matters. But I don't know what else to do. I try to stay busy, but then I'm not feeling my feelings, and I'm not acting authentically. I know that, too. I have all this knowledge, but the practical application is what's getting me. If anyone can help me figure out how to do this without losing myself again, I'd love to hear it.
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