My mom is 76 and I'm 46. We live together, and I presently am her caregiver. She has a rare form of muscular dystrophy and is losing her ability to walk well. I wait on her day and night, while I'm home from work. I have lost all touch with friends, and the only family I keep in touch with are two cousins that I (we) visit maybe once every two weeks. They are there for me if I need them, but there's just so much I can unload on them without feeling terrible. I have no boyfriends and have never been married. I have major trust issues with men which I fear I may never work out, possibly stemming from my parents divorce when I was 8, and lots of emotional abuse over the years. I have been in counseling before, but it's been ten years since the last time. CODA was the only group I really felt good in, where people understood and knew my struggles, at least in some basic sense. I work overnights with severely mentally ill people in their homes, and I feel more mentally ill than they are. The job exhausts me and I sleep until early/mid-afternoon, most days, and then care for my mom until it's time to work again. She just sits in a recliner chair all day and watches t.v., or just sleeps in it. I'm looking for another job presently, but I've really isolated myself and feel trapped and scared of what the future holds for me. I was always the dependent one in the relationship, but now the table has turned, and she relies on me for everything. I often "blow up" at her, because of my frustration, fear, and exhaustion. I must do everything around the house and clean up after her, as she's becoming more and more disabled as days go by. It's not to the point where I can't leave her alone, but I am depressed and don't have any ambition to initiate new relationships. My work schedule makes it tough to get out and socialize anyhow. I will probably have to get assistance with her care someday, but right now I have no emotional strength to even think about it. I just plod along from day to day, working and coming home to do housework and care for her, and then it's off to work again. What can I do to sort things out and which problem seems like the most important one to tackle first?
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