Well done really well this weekend. On the one hand I am trying to learn and control my actions of co-dependency. I am trying to know what to do next, but I guess I managed to screw that up as well.

Heres what I did. My Girlfriend was going to aconference which I was invited to but declined, as I was going to have productive weekend. Then a guy who works on a project with her, that I question her about endlessly, started to flirt on SKYPE with her. I know this because I read her conversation (this really hurt in itself) I found out he was going to conference and threw a massive issue about, this was the precursor to the big incident that I reported in another post that ended up with me pushing (hitting, becasue it was force but not striking, know its not better but need to be clear) her.

The friday she went was awful, and in my mind I thought if this guy had just kept his stupid 'oh we can have some time togwther' and 'hey why dont we have a shower together' comments to himself I wouldnt feel so ill. I was angry with my GF for not rebuking him, but just saying "oh you're so brave on Skype" which i took as 'c'mon try it for real'. He flatters her endlessly and she takes an interest in his new relationship and asks how its going..this I take as threatening to me.

She doesnt hide her skype, although absolutely not okay for me to go on them. I was so angry and pointless (and selfish) on Friday I asked him to add me as a contact, he wasnt online so the request stayed unanswered. I was going to tell him to back off. I didnt type it even though I could have done and it would have been there for him today when he logged on.

The weekend was a disaster emotionally, I kept coming onlinbe and trying to block my fears of what was going at the conference (my invitation was withdrawn due to my actions of the other day, even though I begged like a child to go) GF came back last nigh (Sunday) and was really stressed, she is director of the conference and had to look after all the delegates.

The conversation inevitably went onto the 'colleague' and my questions started, "where did you sleep? Did he flirt with you? Did he ask about me? Did you talk about me? Why are you talking to him about relationships (as not doing so with anyone else?" the conversation got angry just like it had, but I was able to control my physical actions if not some words,although I got hold of myself pretty fast. Yetwhen the dust settled I kep getting this nagging feeling that I wasnt being told everything. Its rubbish not based on fact, not based on any sense of reality just on me, my selfish fear and my waiting for the bomb to drop. It is also based on the fact that I have not been a loyal partner in previous relationships. I guess I am judging by my standards.

I determined that to day I would be my 'better self' that I would acknowledge how sick I am, and plan further for my help. It started good, she held my hand in bed, I felt her warmth. It shouldnt have made me feel like King but it did. It always does. So what do I do, on the way to our office, we share, I asked again about this other guy. She sighed and said here we go again, the pain inside me, the fear of 'crap, I need to ask but I know its damaging' was massive. It passed and we came in. I switched my computer on, and the guy had accepted my response to be added as a contact.

I could have just ignored it, blocked it, instead I did a stupid co-dependent thing. I messaged him, thanking him for adding me. Telling him that it is my GF and I's 2 year anniv soon and could he reccomend a hotel in his area. Just to mark my territory! Just to be really sick. Of course for me this was so much better than what I was going to do the other day. GF came in as I was typing on computer and went balistic. I mean blaistic.

We went out of office and onto stairwell, she hit me and scratched me. I have taken the loveliest woman you could imagine and poisoned her. She said how dangerous I am. That she will warn all her friends to ignore me.

I didnt get angry really, which was good. I controlled my mouth, and apologised as calmly as I could and said that I am only 24 hours from starting getting help. She sayss I am dual personality and should be locked up, that I am taking her to places she never imagined and that it will take her years to recover.

I made it clear that whatever she wants to do I will support. I really am starting over, I can feel it. She is damaged and needs as much support as I do, maybe more. Today, I said, I will at least be honest, and I will not blame her for my illness. I havent, I take responsibilty for my life for my actions.... others have contributed but I will not allow this pain to carry on. Whatever it atkes I will do.

Should I get residential treatment? I want to avoid drugs as have had addictions before? What the XXXX do i do now?

She says I need physcho help not counselling, I should be locked up. I know it sounds really bad but I feel a lot better...I am letting go I think. And feel proud about controlling anger.