Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hi all ,
I have been browsing this board for the past couple weeks and realizing by the day how VERY codependant I am . I never even knew what codependant meant until last fall when I went to couples substance abuse counseling last fall with my partner . And here exactly a year later we are splitting up for the millionth time , my head was spinning , my stomach was sick and my mother brought me two books "codependant no more " and "the language of letting go "
I started to read ( and relate immensely) , so I then googled for a support board . And here I am .
I REALLY want to try to tell my story , or at least some of it , but I feel overwhelmed by it , there has been so much dysfunction over the years , and I also don't know where to start my story ... with this latest relationship , or when it really started way way back .
To brief my situation though . I am 31 and I have a 14 yr old son that I had when I was 17 , his father was 26 and was a pothead and was VERY physically abusive , as well as verbally and emotionally etc.
I only stayed with him for 2 yrs , I then left him after concussions and totally ruined self worth ( nother tid bit , I was physically abused by my mom for a certain phase of my childhood when my single mom had a near nervous breakdown , and sexually abused by her boyfriends and a slimy fat uncle ) not trying to get sympathy here , just part of the facts :-)
Anyhow ... I left him , but have severe anxiety and panic attacks since 10 , and tried to hold normal jobs to support myself and my son , but found it impossible to be dependable due to constant anxiety , so I ended up getting into exotic dancing because A)My son was a toddler and I wanted to be a stay at home mom and with dancing I could make a weeks pay in one night while he slept , and be home with him to raise him the rest of the time ... B)less commuting , so then I'd only have one severe panic attack instead of 2 a day 5 or more days a week while trying to work a nine to five
C . Because I needed money and fast to pull myself up and support myself and my son , my family went against me and told me to go back to my abuser and I promised myself that I would NOT go back to him no matter what ..
So I danced from 19ish to 25ish , when I turned 25 the lifestyle had begun to wear me down , the bars, the drinking to cope with the scene, and I was turning into someone I couldn't live with ( *note , I did keep my son out of the lifestyle , my mother who was stable had him overnights when I worked , and my son was able to continue to be raised in a wholesome envirement ) .. anyways I never got into hard drugs or crossed my values and kept it clean ( nothing further than the dancing ) and also kept a straight head , paid my bills , saved my money and bought myself a home , a car , and established credit . When I moved out to my land and home , I started doing alot of the work myself , it felt good to be so self sufficient and handy :-) and independent .
I slowly got out of the dancing and got on a strict budget . I started cleaning houses for a living , and then eventually took a hobby I love and turned it into a home business where I began making MORE than I did dancing , I kick myself for not realizing that years ago , but live and learn .
In the meantime I met a guy who seemed perfect but was going thru a seperation/divorce ( his wife had an affair ) , well he was not an addict , but was just odd and his divorce and two girls over ran my life and he was very controlling and overbearing , I had MAJOR panic attacks and after a year of not drinking , I started using wine to relax to deal with financial stress and lawyer court and ex wife from he// stress . I pretty much appeared to be the problem in that relationship , because in teh end I kept escaping my house and not coming home , I just wanted him to leave and he wouldn't , I was having tachardia, palpitations , chest pains , severe panic attacks , and just did not feel well from dealing with all the baggage he brought into the relationship , and did I mention he was hyperactive or soemthing and you couldn't get a word in edgewise so I just felt totally ovewhelmed by his aura . I felt bad because he wasn't beating me , or abusing me or cheating or lying etc... he just was smothering me to death and his life was WAY too complicated for me .
The spring summer and fall after we finally split ( after 3 1/2 years of being with him ) was HEAVEN . My panic attacks decreased, I lost weight , I was HAPPY , I spent time with girlfriends , I dated online , I jogged, I ate alot less... I wasn't trying to fill some void with food , I felt like I glowed :-)
Then late that fall , minding my own business , this guy starts stopping in and asking me out . He was good looking , dressed nice, had a nice truck , and was very flattering . He JUST would NOT give up , he stopped in and I hid in my bathroom and wouldn't answer the door , lol... I was like my god will just GIVE up . He pretended he wanted to buy my car ( that was in my driveway for sale ) I told him it had a dead battery , so he came back Thanksgiving morning with jumper cables and then asked me to go for a ride with him , I laughed this guy was so full of energy and I thought he as kinda silly ( later to find out that people on heroin and cocaine act like that *roll eyes * ) I laughed and thought I was being totally risky and had to climb thru my window of my old car ( door broken ) and went for a ride with him , he stopped and bought me a coffee , and put gas in my car . He took me for a ride around the lake , it was beautiful sunny day and we talked . I noticed he was jumpy and "fast" , but just thought he was nervous . He then stopped at his family's house and called ALL of htem out to see the "car" .. .lol.. really it was to meet me ! I was so embarrassed , I want to hide, I had just woke up when he came to try oout the car and had barely looked in the mirror. His family seemed a bit annoyed with him and his mom lectured him about how dinner was starting in less than an hour and that he'd better bring the car back and be on time .
He took me home and I dreamed about this bold guy all day . He was sweeping me off my feet !
He comes back that night I was trying to leave and go to familys for thanksgiving dessert , he later into our relationship told me that he slept with two ex girlfriends that same day after that morning . Because he went out to the bars that night
Anyway he started stopping over to my house and helping me , bring in wood , fix a fence , fix a broken chair . bought my girlfriend and I pizza and wouldn't let us pay .
After a couple of weeks of meeting him , I slept with him and within a couple weeks of that he was showing some really odd behaviour that raised red flags with me , but I was confused , I liked him and had slept with him and felt attached ( stupid I know ) ... so I tried to hang on ... he shoved me away . I mean really he was HARSH ... I am 5 ft tall and shapely , not overweight but not real skinny .... he wanted to leave to use , but I didnt' get it , I thought he was rejecting me because I didn't know about the drugs , he was like a caged animal , he lashed out , he told me I wasn't his type , he thought I was but now that he got to know me I wasn't , I was too fat , my stomach bothered him :-( , he said that he didnt' want a relationship with someone who already had a kid , and that he wanted a girl who had a job where they both go to work during the day ( like a bank teller, or office girl etc. ) and I wasn't like that so he didn't want me ... I got mad because I was so hurt and I told him whatever he wasn't my type either and told him to just leave , he then laughed at me and told me that he just wanted to F me and that I was just truly another notch in his belt ( his words ) . .. he left , I cried and cried and cried , I felt like a used up old peice of shit ( I was 27 at the time ) . I was so depressed .
Then I was late , I thought I was pregnant , I ended up lowering myself one night after too many drinks and called him to tell him ( sorry I was drinking while thinking pg .. I was a mess and didn't want to be pg ) I talked him into coming over and I told him that I talked to some people that knew him and they said he was a bigtime junkie and I asked him if thise was true ?... he admitted his use and for some STUPID reason I felt sorry for him ... I wanted to FIX and HELP him
* roll eyes .. so far into the back of my head I tip over , lol *
So then I start late , good not pg .. we start seeing eachother again , I try to control him and help him get away from this lifestyle , i preach to him , I snoop on him , I take care of him , I mother him , I start living and breathing for this person. My own life begins to crumble , I gain weight ,I start having bad panic and anxiety , he steals from me , he runs out on me , he never gives but always takes ( emotionally ) , he is always nodding out and claiming he is just tired etc. He almost gets us killed driving like this swerving off the road and stuff. He falls asleep with cigarettes in bed , he shows up almost dead and threatening to kill himself I exhaust myself talking him out of it , my life suffers as I am tired and not myself . He moves out of state for work , he comes home on the weekends we go out to the bars together , I drink he sneaks out several times a night ( i later find out that he is using , I thought he was talking to friends ) , I find him in bathrooms at after parties doing lines of coke ( my first time seeing the disgusting sh.t , and I cried and cried about that , I hate it ) ...
I fought and nagged him about it , he lashed out and threw me into walls, he tried to choke me to death , I had bruises and ripped clothes . He spit in my face. Told me to "shut the F up B , and C .. "
He threw things at me , he dragged me around , he broke my stuff. I fell into the victim spot . I cried ot my friends and my family , they didnt' understand why I let him stay , and neither did I ... I lost self esteem , I was so mad at myself ( and still am ) for putting up with it .
Somewhere in all this dysfunction , I got the ridiculous idea that if he had a child to care about ( somebody more important than himself ) than it might just be the thing to save him . I thought underneath this drug induced nightmare of a person was a sensitive and loving man that wanted help and a normal life . So we purposely ( head hung in shame here to admit... but I do NOT regret my daughter ) get pregnant after he is in a methadone maintance program .
My pregnancy was uncomplicated , I gave birth to a PERFECT and beautiful baby girl . My pregnancy was a blurr due to his overbearing and dysfunctional family and his methadone use . He crashed my truck a month before my due date going up to the clinic to get his dose .I had no vehichle for 4 months ( he did take out loan to pay for damage ) . He let his mother walk all over me and neven stuck up for me , he sided with her and called me names and broke up with me every other day to run home to mommy and daddy. He was good for a couple of weeks after our little girl was born , but then the whole summer he treated me horrible , he acted distant and mean and like he didnt love me at all . I didn't gain alot of weight while pregnant ,a nd really didnt' change much . I kept the house up and tried to do everything right for our baby . He did things like when she cried too long and I couldn't quiet her , he forced me to give her to him and that would make her cry worse and he would say how I wasn't doing things right with her and then when he couldn't comfort her he put her in her crib and said "just effin' cry then, just CRY ! " .. I was in shambles, I was a nervous wreck , I didn't want him or his family around her , his mother was a B to me and was causing us even more stress . She wanted to take right over and I didn't want any help , I just wanted my privacy when I got home . He called me names and was unsupportive .
He started weaning off the methadone and became more and more distant . When he use to be high he would be all over me , I actually hated it , but at the same time I liked that he wanted me , even though it was drug induced. All of the sudden he never hugged me , never touched me , would baulk if I touched him , he went into intreatment detox last fall , after alot of problems , only to come out an empty shell . He started hanging with old friends , I could tell he was using but he just lies about it . We fought so bad we broke up , then he lived with the friends , we went to counseling , the counseler tried to convince me to let our 7 month old daughter go with him , I complained of being stressed and he said she won't let me help , their idea of helping was for him to take her out for rides so I could "get a break"
?????????????????????????????????
i hated that stupid counselor , what was she retarded, I told her what he had abeen up too, how bad into crap he was and then she put me on the spot in front of him for me to put my baby aat his mercy ?
I refused to go to her , he all of the sudden wanted to come home , I dont' know why but I took him back . The night he came home was my sons birthday , he was snapping at us and acting weird ,and pacey , I threatened to drug test him , he started crying and admitted to doing coke the night before , begged me to forgive him and not make him leave that he would stop .
This story is getting SO LONG , lol.. anyway that was last fall here it is ayear later and after lots more episodes of abuse and rejection , and relapse and him drinking heavily almost nightly I had enough . We have been split up for about 6 weeks now . I bounce from being lost to feeling better . I don't trust myself to not fall back into it . I know I am codependent and just reading the posts here and acknowledging the whole thing is helping me set boundries .
I'm sorry for such a long introduction . I don't even know if this whole post will show .
If you got this far , thankyou for reading :-)
I have been browsing this board for the past couple weeks and realizing by the day how VERY codependant I am . I never even knew what codependant meant until last fall when I went to couples substance abuse counseling last fall with my partner . And here exactly a year later we are splitting up for the millionth time , my head was spinning , my stomach was sick and my mother brought me two books "codependant no more " and "the language of letting go "
I started to read ( and relate immensely) , so I then googled for a support board . And here I am .
I REALLY want to try to tell my story , or at least some of it , but I feel overwhelmed by it , there has been so much dysfunction over the years , and I also don't know where to start my story ... with this latest relationship , or when it really started way way back .
To brief my situation though . I am 31 and I have a 14 yr old son that I had when I was 17 , his father was 26 and was a pothead and was VERY physically abusive , as well as verbally and emotionally etc.
I only stayed with him for 2 yrs , I then left him after concussions and totally ruined self worth ( nother tid bit , I was physically abused by my mom for a certain phase of my childhood when my single mom had a near nervous breakdown , and sexually abused by her boyfriends and a slimy fat uncle ) not trying to get sympathy here , just part of the facts :-)
Anyhow ... I left him , but have severe anxiety and panic attacks since 10 , and tried to hold normal jobs to support myself and my son , but found it impossible to be dependable due to constant anxiety , so I ended up getting into exotic dancing because A)My son was a toddler and I wanted to be a stay at home mom and with dancing I could make a weeks pay in one night while he slept , and be home with him to raise him the rest of the time ... B)less commuting , so then I'd only have one severe panic attack instead of 2 a day 5 or more days a week while trying to work a nine to five
C . Because I needed money and fast to pull myself up and support myself and my son , my family went against me and told me to go back to my abuser and I promised myself that I would NOT go back to him no matter what ..
So I danced from 19ish to 25ish , when I turned 25 the lifestyle had begun to wear me down , the bars, the drinking to cope with the scene, and I was turning into someone I couldn't live with ( *note , I did keep my son out of the lifestyle , my mother who was stable had him overnights when I worked , and my son was able to continue to be raised in a wholesome envirement ) .. anyways I never got into hard drugs or crossed my values and kept it clean ( nothing further than the dancing ) and also kept a straight head , paid my bills , saved my money and bought myself a home , a car , and established credit . When I moved out to my land and home , I started doing alot of the work myself , it felt good to be so self sufficient and handy :-) and independent .
I slowly got out of the dancing and got on a strict budget . I started cleaning houses for a living , and then eventually took a hobby I love and turned it into a home business where I began making MORE than I did dancing , I kick myself for not realizing that years ago , but live and learn .
In the meantime I met a guy who seemed perfect but was going thru a seperation/divorce ( his wife had an affair ) , well he was not an addict , but was just odd and his divorce and two girls over ran my life and he was very controlling and overbearing , I had MAJOR panic attacks and after a year of not drinking , I started using wine to relax to deal with financial stress and lawyer court and ex wife from he// stress . I pretty much appeared to be the problem in that relationship , because in teh end I kept escaping my house and not coming home , I just wanted him to leave and he wouldn't , I was having tachardia, palpitations , chest pains , severe panic attacks , and just did not feel well from dealing with all the baggage he brought into the relationship , and did I mention he was hyperactive or soemthing and you couldn't get a word in edgewise so I just felt totally ovewhelmed by his aura . I felt bad because he wasn't beating me , or abusing me or cheating or lying etc... he just was smothering me to death and his life was WAY too complicated for me .
The spring summer and fall after we finally split ( after 3 1/2 years of being with him ) was HEAVEN . My panic attacks decreased, I lost weight , I was HAPPY , I spent time with girlfriends , I dated online , I jogged, I ate alot less... I wasn't trying to fill some void with food , I felt like I glowed :-)
Then late that fall , minding my own business , this guy starts stopping in and asking me out . He was good looking , dressed nice, had a nice truck , and was very flattering . He JUST would NOT give up , he stopped in and I hid in my bathroom and wouldn't answer the door , lol... I was like my god will just GIVE up . He pretended he wanted to buy my car ( that was in my driveway for sale ) I told him it had a dead battery , so he came back Thanksgiving morning with jumper cables and then asked me to go for a ride with him , I laughed this guy was so full of energy and I thought he as kinda silly ( later to find out that people on heroin and cocaine act like that *roll eyes * ) I laughed and thought I was being totally risky and had to climb thru my window of my old car ( door broken ) and went for a ride with him , he stopped and bought me a coffee , and put gas in my car . He took me for a ride around the lake , it was beautiful sunny day and we talked . I noticed he was jumpy and "fast" , but just thought he was nervous . He then stopped at his family's house and called ALL of htem out to see the "car" .. .lol.. really it was to meet me ! I was so embarrassed , I want to hide, I had just woke up when he came to try oout the car and had barely looked in the mirror. His family seemed a bit annoyed with him and his mom lectured him about how dinner was starting in less than an hour and that he'd better bring the car back and be on time .
He took me home and I dreamed about this bold guy all day . He was sweeping me off my feet !
He comes back that night I was trying to leave and go to familys for thanksgiving dessert , he later into our relationship told me that he slept with two ex girlfriends that same day after that morning . Because he went out to the bars that night
Anyway he started stopping over to my house and helping me , bring in wood , fix a fence , fix a broken chair . bought my girlfriend and I pizza and wouldn't let us pay .
After a couple of weeks of meeting him , I slept with him and within a couple weeks of that he was showing some really odd behaviour that raised red flags with me , but I was confused , I liked him and had slept with him and felt attached ( stupid I know ) ... so I tried to hang on ... he shoved me away . I mean really he was HARSH ... I am 5 ft tall and shapely , not overweight but not real skinny .... he wanted to leave to use , but I didnt' get it , I thought he was rejecting me because I didn't know about the drugs , he was like a caged animal , he lashed out , he told me I wasn't his type , he thought I was but now that he got to know me I wasn't , I was too fat , my stomach bothered him :-( , he said that he didnt' want a relationship with someone who already had a kid , and that he wanted a girl who had a job where they both go to work during the day ( like a bank teller, or office girl etc. ) and I wasn't like that so he didn't want me ... I got mad because I was so hurt and I told him whatever he wasn't my type either and told him to just leave , he then laughed at me and told me that he just wanted to F me and that I was just truly another notch in his belt ( his words ) . .. he left , I cried and cried and cried , I felt like a used up old peice of shit ( I was 27 at the time ) . I was so depressed .
Then I was late , I thought I was pregnant , I ended up lowering myself one night after too many drinks and called him to tell him ( sorry I was drinking while thinking pg .. I was a mess and didn't want to be pg ) I talked him into coming over and I told him that I talked to some people that knew him and they said he was a bigtime junkie and I asked him if thise was true ?... he admitted his use and for some STUPID reason I felt sorry for him ... I wanted to FIX and HELP him
* roll eyes .. so far into the back of my head I tip over , lol *
So then I start late , good not pg .. we start seeing eachother again , I try to control him and help him get away from this lifestyle , i preach to him , I snoop on him , I take care of him , I mother him , I start living and breathing for this person. My own life begins to crumble , I gain weight ,I start having bad panic and anxiety , he steals from me , he runs out on me , he never gives but always takes ( emotionally ) , he is always nodding out and claiming he is just tired etc. He almost gets us killed driving like this swerving off the road and stuff. He falls asleep with cigarettes in bed , he shows up almost dead and threatening to kill himself I exhaust myself talking him out of it , my life suffers as I am tired and not myself . He moves out of state for work , he comes home on the weekends we go out to the bars together , I drink he sneaks out several times a night ( i later find out that he is using , I thought he was talking to friends ) , I find him in bathrooms at after parties doing lines of coke ( my first time seeing the disgusting sh.t , and I cried and cried about that , I hate it ) ...
I fought and nagged him about it , he lashed out and threw me into walls, he tried to choke me to death , I had bruises and ripped clothes . He spit in my face. Told me to "shut the F up B , and C .. "
He threw things at me , he dragged me around , he broke my stuff. I fell into the victim spot . I cried ot my friends and my family , they didnt' understand why I let him stay , and neither did I ... I lost self esteem , I was so mad at myself ( and still am ) for putting up with it .
Somewhere in all this dysfunction , I got the ridiculous idea that if he had a child to care about ( somebody more important than himself ) than it might just be the thing to save him . I thought underneath this drug induced nightmare of a person was a sensitive and loving man that wanted help and a normal life . So we purposely ( head hung in shame here to admit... but I do NOT regret my daughter ) get pregnant after he is in a methadone maintance program .
My pregnancy was uncomplicated , I gave birth to a PERFECT and beautiful baby girl . My pregnancy was a blurr due to his overbearing and dysfunctional family and his methadone use . He crashed my truck a month before my due date going up to the clinic to get his dose .I had no vehichle for 4 months ( he did take out loan to pay for damage ) . He let his mother walk all over me and neven stuck up for me , he sided with her and called me names and broke up with me every other day to run home to mommy and daddy. He was good for a couple of weeks after our little girl was born , but then the whole summer he treated me horrible , he acted distant and mean and like he didnt love me at all . I didn't gain alot of weight while pregnant ,a nd really didnt' change much . I kept the house up and tried to do everything right for our baby . He did things like when she cried too long and I couldn't quiet her , he forced me to give her to him and that would make her cry worse and he would say how I wasn't doing things right with her and then when he couldn't comfort her he put her in her crib and said "just effin' cry then, just CRY ! " .. I was in shambles, I was a nervous wreck , I didn't want him or his family around her , his mother was a B to me and was causing us even more stress . She wanted to take right over and I didn't want any help , I just wanted my privacy when I got home . He called me names and was unsupportive .
He started weaning off the methadone and became more and more distant . When he use to be high he would be all over me , I actually hated it , but at the same time I liked that he wanted me , even though it was drug induced. All of the sudden he never hugged me , never touched me , would baulk if I touched him , he went into intreatment detox last fall , after alot of problems , only to come out an empty shell . He started hanging with old friends , I could tell he was using but he just lies about it . We fought so bad we broke up , then he lived with the friends , we went to counseling , the counseler tried to convince me to let our 7 month old daughter go with him , I complained of being stressed and he said she won't let me help , their idea of helping was for him to take her out for rides so I could "get a break"
?????????????????????????????????
i hated that stupid counselor , what was she retarded, I told her what he had abeen up too, how bad into crap he was and then she put me on the spot in front of him for me to put my baby aat his mercy ?
I refused to go to her , he all of the sudden wanted to come home , I dont' know why but I took him back . The night he came home was my sons birthday , he was snapping at us and acting weird ,and pacey , I threatened to drug test him , he started crying and admitted to doing coke the night before , begged me to forgive him and not make him leave that he would stop .
This story is getting SO LONG , lol.. anyway that was last fall here it is ayear later and after lots more episodes of abuse and rejection , and relapse and him drinking heavily almost nightly I had enough . We have been split up for about 6 weeks now . I bounce from being lost to feeling better . I don't trust myself to not fall back into it . I know I am codependent and just reading the posts here and acknowledging the whole thing is helping me set boundries .
I'm sorry for such a long introduction . I don't even know if this whole post will show .
If you got this far , thankyou for reading :-)
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
In other ways it felt so good to (I read the same books) finally relate to something so much. I didn't feel crazy, there was a reason for all these feelings and there was hope that I didn't have to feel that way anymore.
You did the right thing for you and your children. I really thank God that you stop letting those children see the abuse. Instead you showed them how strong you are to walk away and not to put up with it anymore.
I am here if you ever need to talk. HUGS GIRL, hang in there. Keep working on yourself. It gets better.
Good luck!