My old habits of obsessing and wondering bout my significant other and where we stand are hitting me hard I would just like to know where I stand if it is over. I have given her-her space or at least I thought and I hope that she will finally call or txt me and we can talk and find closure to a very difficult situation. I have been doing great in not having to much anxiety of the last few days thanks to joining this group and practicing the 12 steps and reading some CoDa books. But I do believe I deserve some sort of closure on this issues. To put it in a nut shell I got involved with an old child hood friend. She was married. After what i thought was just going to be a fling turned into an affair. We developed a wonderful friendship and quickly were on the step to becoming best friends. Finally she made the decision on her OWN i must be clear on that that she was not happy with him. She had not been happy with him for many years and wanted a better life for her and her kids. She had stated very clearly that when she left that she would of left without me being in the picture. Of course I was there to help her through this difficult time in her life. I can say that even gave her space when she needed it. Just recently things had began to take their toll on us. Her ex is very controlling and she has been having to spend time with him at his place to be with her kids. Of course he has been trying to get her back and this past week she had finally told me that she had fears about how me and her could ever work out because he would not ever be able to accept me and would always start drama and feared for my safety and just didn't want her kids to go through witness any drama if he saw us together. I totally understand where she is coming from on this, I have 9 year old daughter myself. When she left my place last Thursday through a lot of tears and hugs we both agreed we didn't want to loose what we had but I knew I would have to give her space. I had talked to her later that night or txt her to give her advice as a friend I talked told her about how it didn't matter if i was in her life or not her ex would always have an issue and that if he still had this much control over her life even after filing for divorce, he would always think he would. She txt back and said she was a little upset because she thought I was saying she did have a mind of her own and that she had made those decisions for herself. That is the last time we had really talked. I KNOW i had to give her space. Of course those old habits of obsessing and worrying about where we stood would come out and i would txt and call letting her know that I loved her and i would be there as a friend and say i know she needed space. Yet after I would txt how I loved her and so on. I have stopped txting and calling. And came to the acceptance that she does need space and I need to give that to her and I have come to the acceptance that I have to be happy with myself and deal with my CoDA issues as well. I just hope I don't end up loosing a friend that was becoming like a best friend. I guess not knowing is worse then knowing sometimes. I have felt better since joining the site and have received a lot of encouragement and advice and it has made this easier. Tonight I did go to my space (obsessing) I looked at her ex's page I saw that his mood was ecstatic i of course thought oh wow the only reason he would even feel like that is because she had said that she may be going back. Of course I don't know whats going on and I had to step away and breathe and say to myself "you are falling back, read your book or mediations" I have both Codependent No More and The Language of Letting Go. These books have done wonders and help a lot! I guess I am scared to loose a best friend and the thought of her going back to her ex just kills me. But I know that I am just thinking of the worst and letting it eat me up. I truly don't know whats going on. Is it wrong for me to finally txt or call her and say I think that we both deserve to end this in a healthy fashion? I accepted that I have no power over her or her issues SHE has to deal with them. I just wish I knew what side of the fence I am on with her so I can at least move on and be there as supportive friend if she wants it. Thanks for letting me VENT I feel so much better! Oh on a side note I will be having to drop by her work this week, I will be strong and if she decides to say hi I will be positive and say hi. I will go about my business even if she decides to avoid me. I know that my life does NOT revolve around other people and their issues. I believe this is a great start!
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