I am on a break from work and i am feeling still emotionally drained but i am still reaching out to people...MEN...and just continuing to get honest about how i feel..Thats big for me because i would get honest in the past but the difference today is that i have a willingness to do something different.....I understand that i have to worry about me and me only...Self love seems like an impossible task...I like some of the things that are said here. The losing my identity and never caring for myself..Thats true...i see that i never felt deserving of love and so therefore i only tried to give it and was never able to recieve it...i have felt worthless my whole life, no self esteem and no self worth...I read something yesterday that someone wrote talking about i am finally feeling the void!! No longer am i filling it with whatever...That for me is the most painful of all...i am aware and it is hard for me to act out...as much as i want to..in the end i just want the pain to stop!! My way of stopping the pain is to get into another role where i take care of someone...sick i know! thats all i know tho...and feelings do come and go..and sitting with them sucks! Never experienced that before..emotionally i feel lik i am 5 years old....chronologically i am 34 and pyhsically like 100...But the desperation is there to do something different...And i dont want to just exsist and continue this cycle of misery...i dont see the other side and i am so consummed with fear of not knowing..I wonder if i am ever going to get someone as beautiful or if i am going to be alone the rest of my life? Or worse am i going to still attract the same pattern into my life over and over again? I am hanging in there but this has to be the hardest thing i have evr done...Even harder that kicking drugs which i did 2.5 years ago.....my head just like a swamp land and i just want it to end....for good!!
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