As I sit here typing this the tears wont stop rolling down my cheeks. Im so sad and heartbroken. My boyfriend of 22 years left 2 days ago. He is an alcoholic, when I met him he was a drinker as well as I. I was 17 and he was 21. I have been in and out of recovery most of my life. Up until yesterday I was clean for almost a year. I am having a very hard time dealing with this seperation. One reason is the way it happened. He just got out of the car and walked away. We weren't arguing, I told him earlier that I needed to talk to him. Im guessing that he asumed I was gonna tell him how I been feelng about our relationship and how his drinking has affected it. It's not really unusual for him to do random things, like walk away for days. It's all part of the insanity of the alcohol. I have been praying and asking God to give me the strength to let him go. And I recall, that day I ask God to do for me what I can't do for myself, and I guess he did. I know we don't need to be together and it's not just him, I've had my share of doing wrong also. It's just so hard to actually let go completely. I feel so out of my body, this is so depressing and I keep thinking about what he is doing and where is he at. Im also mad as hell because I feel like he forced me to make the decision of ending this union, because he will not and don't want to stop drinking. I keep wishing he'll come through the door and say Im ready to change and we can be a family again. And in reality that is probably not gonna happen. It's not fair! Why do I have to lose someone I love so much because of this disease! I think about him being with another woman and being all happy and in love and thinking why can't he do that with me, Why!!!! It feels like it would be easier to beg him back and end the pain but continue to go through the insanity of his actions. It's my "normal", Im so f#@king mad! Im so so sad! Please anyone give me some words that I can cling to, I need that before I self destruct as I did yesterday.
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