Just over two months ago I left my husband of almost 18 years. He is 52 and has smoked pot on a daily basis since he was a teenager. He has not worked a steady job since we married while I have had the same professional job for 25 years. We both display the typical addict/codependent behavior associated with marijuana. We both had baggage from our childhoods (me, a bipolar mother and alcoholic father; he, a narcissistic mother, absent father, and psychologically/sexually-abusive brother). I never spoke up about what I needed and wanted (my mistake), while he spoke quite freely about his disappointment in me and my faults (of which I agree I have many!) After the recent death of my mother, I seriously began to question my life. As my anxiety and depression grew so did his due to his abandonment issues and sexual abuse. Before I left, I tried to get him to see a therapist, but since he has a psychology degree and has read about every self-help book you can imagine, he refused to go. I finally made the decision to leave. The last two months have not been pretty. I initially told that I wanted time to think, and that I was working on myself. He vacillated between telling me he was sorry for whatever he had done and blaming me for not changing and for abandoning him and our pet family (7 cats and 2 dogs). I finally told him that I want a divorce. I am staying with friends and family while I continue to pay all the bills (mortgage, food, insurance, pot. . . . ) for him. Am I a typical codependent, or what?!!! He is angry at me for not giving him an ultimatum, but I would have had to want the possible results--which I didn't. I, too, vacillate. I realized that I can only change myself. I am seeing a therapist, have been attending some CODA meetings and Alanon meetings, and thankfully have a strong support group. I am dealing with the guilt of all my past decisions (especially the choice to leave him.) We recently saw a therapist in which both of us "spoke our peace" to some extent. Unitl Thursday, he continued to think that I should simply come back because he had sacrificed the last 18 years of his life to our marriage. However, I know it is not over for either of us. I continue to deal with wanting to take care of him. He is dealing with the panic and anxiety about his past and future and has told me point blank that he will never stop smoking. I cannot abandon him financially but need to be realistic with him about our finances and what I can reasonably do. I want to make sure that he is okay and constantly check his phone records and the bank account to see that he is eating and functioning. I know these are typical codependent behaviors. I find I do better when I am busy and active, but since I've been on vacation the behaviors escalate. My therapist says that I will make decisions and choices on my own time-table. I am finding today exceedingly tough and simply wanted to vent. If you are reading this, thank you for taking the time. . . .
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