It is not codependent to want your partner to be trustworthy, considerate, reliable and honest. It is codependent to give up those desires in order to maintain a relationship where those characteristics are not present.

Ask yourself if this is a one-time event, or is it a pattern. If it is a pattern, I imagine it is showing up other places in the relationship as well. If your partner is willing to look at himself and make the necessary effort to become trustworthy, considerate, reliable and honest, its worth working for. If not, why settle for less?

It's a one time event and that's why I freaked. It's not like him.

We just got back together after me realizing how counterdependent I was last time. I feel bad and guilty for treating him the way I did in the past not knowing how disfunctional it was at the time.

So now I'm doing my best to treat him like he is important without loosing myself.

I did get a text from him around 8:30pm--I got to it at 9:30 and called him. I gave him about 15 seconds to say something like, "sorry--I fell asleep" or something like that and he didn't mention it so I asked calmly--why didn't you call me. He yawned and took a few moments before answering me and said, he ate dinner, watched a little TV with his daughter and then fell asleep. I asked him--were you gonig to call me, I had to call you? He said "I texted you about an hour ago" I said "that was 3 1/2 hours after you said you'd call me after dinner".

He got mad, said he doesn't want to be under a microscope, he didn't do anything wrong. After he explained to me he texted me when he woke up and had I texted back, then he was going to call me.

I now understood his point, after getting aggressive. Then I start crying and feeling guilty with the fear he's' going to leave me if I keep messing up. I also got mad at myself for being the way I was.

After he calmed down, he said "he's not going anywhere". But I don't believe him. I keep messing up. Why would he want to stay?

I've done this similar thing 2 or 3 other times this week so I know he's not going to take this forever and each time it happens, I get more scared he'll leave.

Is this inner child stuff coming up? Me not being too far along into recovery showing up? Low self esteem as well I know.

How does one heal emotional wounds from the past? How am I to have something happen in the moment and be able to stop and trace it back to a childhood memory or event??

I need help and have yet to find a sponsor in Coda. Can anyone offer any suggestions to the many questions I've asked here? I feel lost and don't know how to help myself.

Instead of asking him why he did not call, which puts him (or anyone) on the defensive, why don't you just try telling him how you feel. "when you did not call when you said you were going to, I really got scared. I know this is my stuff, and not about you. I am working on myself so that I am not so needy and not so dependent on you".

That keeps it in your own garden, and doesn't ask him for anything, since he normally is reliable and keeps his word.

Yes, its your inner child, whom you will need to start re-parenting in order to find some peace within. She needs you to tell her that YOU are not going to abandon her, which you do when you freak out about your boyfriend. She needs YOU to be reliable, trustworthy, considerate and honest with her. Tell her that you will not abandon her, no matter what any other person in your life does, that you will listen to her, address her fears and reassure her.

It takes time and lots of effort to heal. We also heal in the company of others on the same path, which is why most of the posts that give you comfort are written by people who have found comfort in a support group that encourages, confronts and supports our recovery. If you have a support group and a sponsor, when you freak out, you can talk to them, instead of freaking out your boyfriend with your fear and insecurities. Trust me, it will be much more likely that your relationship makes it and your boyfriend stays put, if you don't expect him to be your parent, your therapist or your fairy godmother (father). He is there by choice and if you allow him to feel like he HAS a choice, rather than he needs to be there so you don't disintegrate, he probably will stay with you, the woman he found attractive in the first place.

The solution is always with you, no one else. No one but you can build your confidence in yourself, your belief in your own value and worthiness and your courage.

I would to add, however, that although this exercise in learning to express your feelings is valuable to you, please take a close look at this guy. Is he worth all your efforts? We do all the changing. Has he changed? Expressed, lately, a willingness to work with you to better the relationship? Is this a guy you really want to be with?
NEVER SETTLE! You can hold your head up high. Maybe let this guy know that you'd be on the same page but if he's not, then you'd like to move forward with your life and find someone you are more compatible with. You can do it! YOUR SELF WORTH does not depend on the opinion of this guy. Thanks. Peg