Codependency is a nasty, confusing, hurtful thing...
My wonderful bf that I talk about all the time - the one that I give so much credit for helping me through my healing - broke my heart this weekend. We've been friends for almost two years. I knew when we first became friends that he was a drug user. When things began to get serious between us I invited him to move in with me AS LONG AS HE DIDN'T USE! He wanted to get clean. He wanted to start a new life. And he wanted to be with me. So he was clean for the first 90 days after he moved in. Then I found out that he had used again. I confronted him, and he apologized and said that it was a mistake and it wouldn't happen again. I let it go. Over the weekend I found out that he has used three times since moving in with me. I was SO angry! I felt betrayed. And it wasn't even so much the fact that he was still using (believe me, I'm struggling to break free from dependence on alcohol, so I understand what it feels like to think you NEED that substance to make you feel better). But he was doing it behind my back and pretending like nothing happened! It was a deep blow to my trust in him... and he KNOWS I have trust issues already! I told him, "if you can do this behind my back what ELSE can you do behind my back?" I gave him the cold shoulder, pondered what I should do, and it was almost liberating. Because for the first time in my life I felt betrayed but instead of feeling sorry for myself and beating myself up for getting into another bad relationship I was really ANGRY and decided that I wasn't going to let him hurt me and it was MY decision if he stays. I know that I have to do what's best for me - even if that means putting him out because he's still using. But I don't want to put him out, and as I've thought about it more over the past two days I'm starting to realize that this is the battlefield where my codependency beats me up every time. I KNOW I should immediately put my foot down, throw his no-good butt out, and not feel guilty about it because he broke the agreement. But is it ok to give him a little more time? He has no where to go. Then there's that little voice in my head that says, "that's codependency! You can't let the fact that he has no where else to go obligate you to put up with his bad choices. You can't over-ride what you know is good for you simply because you'll feel guilty putting him on the street for what HE did!" But in all actuality, he's been very good to me. He says the reason he wasn't completely honest with me is because he's ashamed of it (as ashamed as if me walking in on him using is the same as me walking in on him cheating!). And once again, he said it won't happen again. But like I told him, I've heard it all before and... he finished the sentence for me... "the proof is in the pudding." So for all intents and purposes he seems willing to give it up, but what if he doesn't? What do I do???? Do I give him a little more time and see if he's really willing to give it up? Or am I just setting myself up for another heart break when I have to put him out because he's incapable of changing? Looking back it's obvious now that codependency really does make you blind. First and foremost, I got involved with another drug user knowing what it was like living with an addict for a husband. Now I find myself accepting things that I swore I never would, and wondering why I can't be stronger and just do what I said I was going to do. I finally told him that I was working on getting better (starting counseling next month) and I don't want that in my life. I made it clear that I would not accept it no matter how much I want to be with him. I don't want to go off the deep end and start going through his stuff looking for evidence against him all the time. But since I can't trust him how do I know he really has quit? I'm so scared that he's going to continue to do it and I'm not going to have the strength to put him out! But the thought of just accepting it and swallowing it down for the comfort of a relationship turns my stomache! Has anyone else been through a similar situation? Any advice or suggestions?