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Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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Okay, I just joined yesterday so please forgive me if this is very basic stuff and it is somewhere else on this site that I haven't yet found...
Compromise is a good thing, but I am supposing it can be a bad thing too. How will I know the difference?
For example, I make about 10k more a year than my husband. So he sometimes has a hard time contributing to the bills equally, but usually will try to buy extra groceries when he can or take us out to eat or to a movie or something if he has the cash. Is it a bad compromise for me to accept that he may not be able to help with the power bill for quite some time, or am I truly being fair as I believe?
I don't feel jilted on it (but then I'm not good at knowing when I am being treated unfairly either), at least when he works his full 40 hours a week. And yet sometimes I feel guilty for him paying for these little extra things because I make more money too, even though it is all going towards bills.
Compromise is a good thing, but I am supposing it can be a bad thing too. How will I know the difference?
For example, I make about 10k more a year than my husband. So he sometimes has a hard time contributing to the bills equally, but usually will try to buy extra groceries when he can or take us out to eat or to a movie or something if he has the cash. Is it a bad compromise for me to accept that he may not be able to help with the power bill for quite some time, or am I truly being fair as I believe?
I don't feel jilted on it (but then I'm not good at knowing when I am being treated unfairly either), at least when he works his full 40 hours a week. And yet sometimes I feel guilty for him paying for these little extra things because I make more money too, even though it is all going towards bills.
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does he always work full time?
sorry for the interrogation but i don't quite understand your situation!
welcome to the board!
blessings.
He is working to control his spending habits, but it makes me feel sometimes like his mother when he asks me if he should or should not do something and I hate that feeling. But then he comes from a family that didn't offer him any guidance with financial matters and he has very little knowledge of them. (He got his first checking account at age 30 and is only 39). So in someways it is complimetary that he trusts me enough to ask me about financial matters, but in other ways it is a big stress. And it's not just him, I can compromise away a raise at work for goodness sakes. Example, last raise I got they asked me if it was enough and I answered, "Yeah, it'll do" even though I wanted more!
what about you keeping a separate account for your money?
if he doesn't feel like working then he doesn't get paid.
i think so many times we want to protect people we love from their poor choices. but really, when we look at it, we are keeping them dependent and childlike because they are not learning consequences of their behavior. when we love someone it's hard (for most of us) to see the greater good.....
maybe if y'all worked out a budget and determined who was paying what bill or what percentage each contributed, then he could have his own account and his own paycheck and expenses in that. then he writes a check to you, or you to him (that might teach him as well) to pay for shared obligations. then there is savings/retirement/emergency fund.
after that, what's left is gravy for EACH of you to spend your OWN gravy.
might motivate him to earn a bit more money for himself.
just remember to be kind and non parental. just matter of fact, like you would tell a room of strangers.
good luck!
At the top you said you make $10 more a year than he does, but he does contribute where he can, so should you be upset that he can't help the bills equally?
And this case, I would say NO.
Most couples aren't equal in financial status regardless. And it has everything to do with the economy and what the pay is worth for what, and where. If he is contributing, groceries, picking up tabs, etc. Than he's doing his part, in another areas, with what he has.
But then you also posted, he has spending issues. Now if he's spending things on leisure items, and THEN bills. Then you have the right to be upset. But I'm a little unclear on which one it is here.
Yes, he has spending issues. He will have $140 left over after paying HIS bills (truck, phone, insurance, credit card, line of credit) that is for groceries AND gasoline AND the gravy. He will spend $120 on groceries, and then if I am lucky he will put the other 20 in his tank. If I am not he will say to himself, "Well, I don't have the money for gas anyway so I'll buy a pizza and charge gas." And we do have separate checking accounts, but the credit card is dual. Maybe that part needs to stop being dual.
my home was paid for. i mortgaged it to pay off $150K of my ex husband's student loans.......
3 years later we were divorced. guess who's got the mortgage and guess who walked with the education....although, his income does pay good child support! ; )
but seriously, get separate debt!!!!
At the very least, atleast he's not making you pay HIS bills. I agree the bills should be split, but in some cases, it's just not feasible.
i think if your husband makes less than you and can't help out as much as you can it's no big deal. lots of couples are like that... BUT... if he chooses to spend his money on other stuff knowing that you will always pay the bills then there is a problem... do you get to buy fun stuff first and pay bills later? if not then why should he?
bills should come first because that is a responsibility... fun stuff comes after the bills are paid... if you can get him to understand this then you should be fine...
my sons are 18 and 17 and i am trying to teach them this very concept right now... since your husband is kind of new to the whole budgeting game maybe he just needs a little teaching from you to set him straight...
it's a hard lesson to learn .. i'm sure we are all guilty of over spending when the paycheck comes only to be hit with the reality of over due bills later....
;o) goodluck!!