I know what co-dependency is. i was always the one who had to go and ask my mother or father if i could use the phone, the bathroom have a sandwich. i was in the bathroom at my mom and dad's house, i would use the bathroom, my father would bang on the door with his fist and say"youy been in there 2 hours!!!get out!" i couldn't even shit without daddy dearest stopping me. a bath. pounding on door. firecrackers waking me up. my brother and nephew. going to schholi one town, and spending my weekends at mom and dads. only trouble was, my brother, nephew and sister lived close by. it was always funny for my stupid brother to sneak around the house, and set firecrackers outside to wake me up. i would come out screaming and they would all laugh. you get the picture.being hit by my father in the back of the head when i said something he didn't like. feeling as if i shouldn't breathe, they would hurt me. now, when people ask me why i haven't made it in my life, being raped, abused over and over again and being looked atby my father like i was a peice of meat when i was a teenager, now at 54, why do i have men problems, people problems, every problem. why am i so nervous and scared all the time. why do i still have people i my life who re-create my family? i know.why do i have congestive heart failure and try to change people? i know. why have i read books on self-help and haven't gotten any, and why, oh my God, am i attracted to men? men who abuse me, never tell me anything positive, cheat, berate me, women too. why do i feel like i wish i was never born? i know. but people think this can be changed. i say too late. and for God's sake, i am always called lazy, depressing, crazy. why? BECAUSE I AM AND I HAVE A DAMN GOOD REASON FOR IT. how much are we really in control of? not much. i think my whole world sucks and i resent anybody telling me i can, i just don't want to. maybe i don't after all, people say some people like to be hurt.maybe thats true. i have a person who berates me to everybody, took and seduced peope, gave them amoney, lies about me and turned people against me? God wil take my anger at myself away. what deoression i had to endure now dribs and drabs of anger? was an "OOPS" ACCIDENT my mother didn't really want and wansn't prepared for, she told me before she died. do i really care if i die, or get further ridiculed by people who think i really enjoy the way i am. at lease in death i don't have to look at this faG-CON ARTIST AGAIN.and whats left of mylife. i don't have one.its not that i wish i wasnt different. i get tired of people saying all of this is my fault and i enjoy suffering, like my ex-friend said. who said the man i am co-dependent on, who decided to leave because i am crazy and go with him said,"he wishes you were dead" because of this man coming between e and people i know. he's BETTER THAN ME BECAUSE HE HAS A CHANCE AND HAS WHAT HE NEEDS TO SURVIVE
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