Hi mpmc. Boundaries are for me, first of all:) I set them to maintain my peace and keep serenity in my life.

An example would be that I will not engage in a conversation where someone yells and screams at me. I let the person know, that the moment the yelling and screaming begins the converstaion is over. I either walk away, or hang up the phone.

We have to look at the unhealthy behaviors that we have all allowed from time to time and make a decision to no longer do that. We start out small, baby steps.
We cannot take on 100 changes at once. We need to choose things little by little and stick to that.
Setting a boundary means we must follow through. If not, no-one will take us seriously.

Another example, one that I had for my daughter (she is an addict) was IF you ever steal from me, I will turn you in. I will not allow people to ever steal from me, not even my own daughter.
And if she ever had done that I would of called the police on her.

Our list is personal. I had to decide what behaviors I just was not willing to allow in my life anymore. And as hard as it is, the great thing is as we set out boundaries and stick with them, we really do begin to feel better.
Blessings..
EllaBlue

boundaries is when ppl always push you too far, and u get involved in them, when ppl are invading your personal space, theyre invading yr boundaries. if u have been abused usually u cant tell becuase yr boundaries have been violated, for example sexual abuse...if u ppl have taken advantage of u sexually in relationships or whatever and u cant tell the difference, u dont know whats what...u need to be aware of what makes u happy and what doesnt so noone can push u too far.

http://www.coping.org/innerhealing/boundary.htm

I have problems with this, too. I have never looked into it, but your post made me do a general search on google on "setting boundaries"...the above link explains it and gives examples. I don't know how good it is, or if there are better sources of info...but it's a start.

Hope it helps...
V

I agree with both posts. Once you start to get an idea of the situations/ people in your life that are obstructing you from growing into a happy, healthy, adult - than determine where some changes can be made.

One of the first boundaries I had to make was with my ex-husband. When he got belligerent, I hung up the phone, and I arranged a neutral meeting zone for dropping off my daughter. I did this not only to safeguard myself from potential abuse, but to safeguard myself from acting out of anger in these situations. I wasn't capable of listening to the tyrades without being sent into orbit, thus giving him exactly what he wanted and lowering my self-esteem.

Next, I came to the understanding that I didn't necessarily have to share all of my business with my family members or friends. For instance, I used to think that if I felt something - it had to be shared or it had to be true. Now I go by the phrase "feelings are not facts". In this way, I created a boundary by not allowing everyone into my problems.

Boundaries simplify my life so I don't have to sort through so much garbage.

Great link vranka, I'm clicking over to there right now. Thanks for the feedback everyone... always such good honest views.

I read a really great book Boundaries by Townsend & Cloud and the workbook is just excellent (it uses biblical references).

I've read many books on this topic and it can be frustrating to learn how to do it different. Cloud & Townsend have several good ones, even about boundaries with kids.

For me, boundaries are understanding your role, without conflict ie: child/adult/parent--specifically in that order (I once was a child, but then I had to put away childish things).

Two metaphores I've heard:

1. You're a canvas, who, what, where and when it is painted on is up to you to decide, you get to make the choices. Notice I left out why--because if you don't know why--your canvase is not ready to be painted on.
A boundary violation is someone on your canvase, you give them one paint brush, they take three and you don't know how to say no, stop, not that color, you can't paint in that corner over there, that place is reserved for _____________

2. You are a garden, surrounded by a fence. The entry to your garden is a gate. You invite garden keepers in, to plant or take of your crop. If you don't like what they are planting or taking before it's ready to be harvested and think that holding the gate closed is going to change them, not only are you violating your own garden, but the ability for them to tend-build their own garden as well. In the ideal situation-circumstances-life. The gate swings both ways, in and out. When we start true recovery, it is probably vital imho to only allow the gate to open inward. After we've opened it and gotten rid of the excess weeds....later we learn that it's vital to allow the gate to swing both ways--in and out, so others can tend-give and take from their own gardens too.

As far as communicating this in an unhealthy relationship--erm I've yet to gracefully find a way to do this-but I hope it helps a bit more with grasping the understanding.

Thanks for all the great comments and resources.