Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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Being codependent with our children

deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi..
Is there anyone out there who is codependent with their children?

I have been codependent since I can remember. My obsession always some man.
Now that man is my almost 17 year old son.

My son is totally walking all over me. Not going to school. Using drugs. Not following the rules. I spew out threats that I never follow through on. I have told him I was kicking him out so many times.

I think about it constantly. Trying to change him. Trying to make him go to school. Trying to make him do something productive. Trying to make him see how much he is hurting me and himself. I bet this all sounds familiar to a lot of you. Classic codependent.

So what do I do? Do I kick him out? Do I keep letting this go on and hope that someday I get the nerve to kick him out?
Dicipline is not an option anymore. I did everything wrong with my son. Now he is almost a man..there is nothing I can say or do. I have no control.

I have drug him to counselling and drug dependency. I have wrote letters. I have lectured. I have screamed. I think about him constantly. I can't concentrate at work.

I am right back where I was when I was some guy doing the same thing.

I try to stand up for myself and tell him he has to leave..then I feel so dam guilty that I don't follow through. He knows this. He knows my threats are pointless. He knows that he can keep getting away with it.

i feel crazy. Its 3:04 am right now and I should be sleeping. Instead I am obsessing. I would like to go in his room and yell at him. I want to say f-you I am not doing this anymore. I know that the only person I am hurting is myself.

I really have no family that I am close to or can turn too. We are all we have..and he could care less about what is going on or what trouble he causes. He does not care.
I am just a nagging %&((*&^%

Something has to change..it is not looking like it will be him..so I have to change me.
Do I kick him out? or do I let him stay here doing nothing with his life and hope that when he is 19 or 20 I can put him out without feeling guilty?
will I be insane by then?

argggg...I never thought I would be going through this again. I really thought I was cured...and well, here I am.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My mother went through this with my sister. For her it wound up being a court ordered rehab program that my parents were required to participate in. I myself don't have children, but I've seen what you are going through and I hope it gets better for you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My heart goes out to you! First I'd say you may find some really good support in 'family & friends of addicts' - specifically a fine woman that posts here at DS called Ellablue.

I am not a mother and feel somewhat uncomfortable offering any advice or perspective on this....
Your responsibility towards your son is until he is of legal age. You already realize that you can't 'force' him to do the right things for his own self. Maybe by stopping your enabling (food, shelter, clothing, money, etc) he will see that he must care for himself, or maybe he won't. Either way it isn't 'your job' as a parent to enable a child who won't do for themeselves, and his drug use adds a whole another dynamic to this situation...
Please seek out Ellablue I have read many a post from her and I do believe she could give you some good medicine.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You are not alone. There are many parents struggling with this. A 12 step fellowship is a supportive safe place.
And forgive yourself, my dear. We are never cured. It is truly one day at a time.
Blessings to you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Its a little late to have have hope about rearing him in a different path. He may respond to what he sees by your behavior. I use to abuse substances as a teen, and I would have loved to see my parentals in a healthier mindset. As my therapist says: can't fix anyone but yourself. And in turn the other person has to change. Honesty with yourself about you first, then honesty about you to him. ( in a relating way, not a codependent way)
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi, How about going to coda meetings and supporting yourself with books, etc., so you are not so encompassed with what your son is doing. And it can be a refresher course in dealing with codependent situations.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You could have reared your son a different way and he would of turned out the same. We cant see into the future. its seems to me you are being a good mum by trying to help him but at some point you will have to stop and let him take care of himself. He has gone down the drug road. that is not your responsibilitie its his. Try to step back and look at the situation. You might see things differently.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Write him a letter. Be careful not to accuse him, but have a loving tone. Tell him that unless his behavior changes, you will have to make the HARDEST decision of your life- cutting him out, or turning him over to the authorities. He will NO DOUBT punish you with anger, and say that you are just out to ruin his life. He's still young- and he's obviously having trouble helping himself. You cannot do this all by yourself.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Even though I'm a step parent, I can relate. This is the reason I joined this group. I've been told a lot of parents in your situation are parenting from guilt. The fact that you said you did everything wrong with your son may mean you have the same guilt trip. At least this is the situation with my partner. Children aren't stupid. They probably sense this guilt. I know my stepdaughter does and she misuses the "power" my partner has given her. She emotionally blackmails her all the time. It's a struggle for my partner because she feels responsible for her child's misery. You're really going to have to work at setting healthy boundaries and limits and follow through with consequences. This is where my partner goes wrong. She has difficulty setting limits. As long as your son is a minor, this has to be your approach. Can you go to counseling? Can you get him to counseling? Maybe family counseling will work. At least when you've done all you feel you can, you can relieve some of the guilt you feel. When he's of age, you have every right to ask him to leave your home. This is eventually what I had to do. I told my partner I refuse to live in an unhealthy, toxic home. Her daughter was over 18 so she had to go. The therapist agreed with me and she's been out over a year. Now, this doesn't mean the co-dependency has stopped because it hasn't. Keep me posted.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Last week I locked my son out each day he didnt' attend school..3 days.
Well..he has gone to school ever since. and when I say I will lock him out if he doens't go, HE ACTUALLY BELIEVES ME!! First time he ever believed that I would actually do what I said I would do because I DID IT! Progress!!!
and it felt good! It was hard. and I worried all night. but I stuck to my guns. Nothing terrible happened because I did what I said I would. the world did not end. The boy did not die. If anything, it helped because he is going to school. AND if he skips again, I will lock him out again. and I mean it. No joke!
Now this is only a fraction of the total picture..but it is progress. I will keep working on me and it will come. I have worked through most of the codependent no more book..AGAIN! That was a good kick in the butt to get me going in the right direction. I have attended a couple online meetings and right now I am making a commitment to attend one TODAY!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yogi721, my guilt stems from the fact I was a using drug/man addict for most of Bens like. I have been clean and man free going on 6 years now. I spent Bens childhood stoned or being a codependent.
I am working on letting it go. I have worked hard to change these things about myself. but now that I am straight and I am not distracted by some man, I clearly see the effect that this had on Ben. No boundaries. No respect. I never gave him any sort of dicipline. He has watched me let men and whoever else walk all over me his whole life. He has never taken me seriously because I have always just yelled and made threats I didn't follow through on.
So yeah..I feel guilty. Very guilty.
But that is one thing I am working on very hard. Doing the right thing with Ben so I don't need to feel guilty anymore. The more I do right, the less guilty I feel.
As for the past, I would love to just stop feeling guilty. Everyone keeps telling me I should. but I have enough baggage to take a trip around the world a couple times! I will get through it. In time. Right now though, I am working on being a better Mom to all my children. Not a codependent one.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Don't beat yourself up. We've all done things in the past we regret. We can't dwell on them. We have to pick ourselves up where we are and move on. It's easier said than done but not totally impossible. The fact that you're reaching out for support is a good thing. Stay in the moment and do your best. This is all you can ask of yourself and your children. I wish you the best. You can do it!
deleted_user
deleted_user
al anon is full of folks just like you. you will find love and support there.
it's tough to go it alone. this is probably the most difficult "addiction". the enmeshing with our children.
blessings.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree, definitely forgive yourself. I think most parents reflect guilt in their parenting today; in any number of ways, for any number of reasons.

In any event, you cannot change the past. It's one day at a time, and that day is done. Today will have it's own share of problems to deal with.

Just remember:

"...serenity to accept the things you cannot change; courage to change the things you can; and wisdom to know the difference."

I do not have children of my own and I can not understand that dynamic, but I can understand struggling with boundaries.

The questions that came to me when I read your post, and what I wanted to ask you are:

Do you think there is a possibility that he is emulating the men that you "loved" in an attempt to win your affection/love?

Also, when he does things that make you really happy and which you appreciate (even if it is something he is "supposed to do anyway," do you tell him/praise him for doing so?

And last, what lengths do you go to make your point known and FELT? For example, do you try to find opportunities to express yourself to him with warmth and sincerity, or do most (if not all) of your interactions/communications usually end up in shouting matches and threats?
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