Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

3,009 Members
10,572 Posts
1 Online
Addiction & Recovery
/ Codependency Support Group

Avoidance?

deleted_user
deleted_user
I've identified a problem recently... when someone says something that hurts my feelings or offends me, I automatically smile and laugh it off. It's a complete reflex, it happens instantly. When did I train myself to do this?

Any normal, boundary enforcing, assertive person would go, "wait a minute... that wasn't acceptable" and address the issue. But not me. I've got to hurry up and sweep it aside and act like it didn't happen and move on to the next thing. Then later, when I'm alone with my thoughts, I'll go back and "lick my wounds"... sometimes withdrawing from whoever hurt me... suffering in silence because it's too late to bring it up. AND, to further complicate things... now I'm the one that's done something wrong because I've withdrawn, which makes me look like the offender if a confrontation results.

This behavior teaches people that it's ok to walk all over me like a rug. How do I change it? I don't seem to have any control over it. It's a reflex... a very quick reflex.
deleted_user
deleted_user
For me it is about living my own truth..I realized it was a genuine fear of rejection. In my life i needed everyone to like me. If someone didnt like me i would internalize it and try to figure out why..I also avoided conflict all my life as well. And in avoiding conflict i made myself a target to be victimized. But i understand today that i need to have healthy boundaries in order to keep my sense of self. My whole life i never had any boundaries and therefore was subjected to the wrath of other people. I felt if i was accepted by everyone then i was ok and my identity was always wrapped up in someone else always which always placed me in a position to be hurt.
deleted_user
deleted_user
For now I would take my time and work on recognizing whenever this happens. Recognizing it is the first important thing. When you have gotten used to feeling it and seeing it and you have a better awareness of what is happening, then you can practice tactful ways of telling someone that what they said is upsetting to you. The more you go over it in your head, the easier it will be to say when the time comes. But don't rush yourself too much, take your time and when you are ready to make take the leap, just do it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
This is a great insight and a valuable discussionm for me, as
I suffer from many of those same symptoms...

Thank you all for sharing.
deleted_user
deleted_user
i second james and would add that licking your wounds leads to resentment which then leads to martyr which then leads to more conflict because we aren't pleasant to be around.
recovery is primarily about behavioral changes.
take baby steps when someone hurts your feelings. at first i would kindly say "ouch" to point out that what they said hurt, without blaming or shaming them in words.
then i moved up to "ouch that hurt me"
and now i can explain why....
of course, this only works with others who are healthy or who genuinely care about you and the relationship you share.
can't go to the hardware store for bread! that's a recipe for disappointment.
xo bay. you are learning so much everyday!!!!
mgs1
mgs1
excellent advice. Snailmark is right. It is all about boundaries and learning people will treat you the way you let them. The most important thing is you address the issue with these people in a way that makes you feel okay about your self. What I found worked for me was simply sayng, "ouch, I don't think you were intentionally trying to be rude, did that come out wrong? It sure felt wrong. My psychologist told me that many times people do not realize how rude or insensitive what they say may sound to someone else. I can tell you at least 8 our of 10 people who I made that remark to, said they were sorry, and reworded what they said to me. THe rest became agrumentative and said, that wasn't rude, they were simply being truthful. Truthful mabye, but tactless was my response. And yes, it took me about a year, before I dared to say anything, but it has made a world of difference
Stay strong and good luck.
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • irishwriter

    come unwind in the bp lounge

    Posted by: irishwriter
    Last Reply: kisses2016
    7992
    theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
  • Rizen

    Walk a Day

    Posted by: Rizen
    Last Reply: mujicaptsd
    2570
    I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...