yes!
I deal with it by picking horrible relationships...rofl
I am working on this in therapy now...and the word that my therapist keeps saying over and over again is 'bounderies'
still trying to figure it out.
good luck to you

I struggle with this as well and I beleive, so far today anyway, that it is really about knowing yourself, understanding your own bounds and then putting into place boundaries in all relationships and sticking too them; both you and the 'other person'.

Im reading a great book by pia mellody the intimacy factor. I am realizing that I previously have chosen men with no sense of boundaries (just like myself)---emotion run amuck. Now I am with a man whose boundaries are walls. It hurts to open up to a wall.
Im trying to figure out what all of this is teaching me.
For me, she has a really good explanation of boundaries. Essentially boundaries are a filter. We send out through the filter of love and we take in through the filter of love. If someone is sending us someone that doesnt apply to us we discard it, rather than internalize it.
Yea. Easier said than done.
At the heart of this is the issue of self-esteem. If we dont have self esteem then our filter is out of whack. What we perceive is the negativity that is really inside of us.
The few times the grace of the universe has allowed me to function with proper boundaries I felt attune with the goodness of life.
But for me, with my past experiences and current challenges, that attunement and oneness with humanity is a rare feeling indeed.
I long for it more than anything Ive ever wanted in my life. But I am starting to feel that I may never achieve it.
I guess, after this ramble, that what Im trying to say is,
All of us here are right along with you.
One day at a time dear.

I have major problems with this. Mainly with my husband and my mother my boundaries that I can hold up for the rest of the world seem to be made of easily dissolvable materials for them, and then the boundaries that should be easily dissolvable seem to be made of lead. But today I will try again.

I'm working on autonomy by going thru all my childhood experiences. I feel more myself as I progress. I have to be vulnerable to safe people in order to progress.

Hi, Autonomy and vulnerability are not dichotomies, but for a codependent it is difficult to do/be both ways at the same time. I use to have problems with it. Now I feel okay doing what is healthy for me, and feel okay that other people may not feel okay with the way I am. Discovering what My likes and dislikes are had helped me.

yes, annnn, it's interesting you mention that. i don't even know what my likes and dislikes are. i've given away so much to so many without a thought to myself.
it's awkward even beginning to think about something like that.
i know i am getting better at negotiating situations and improving communication, but i still am having trouble finding things i enjoy doing.
it's really kinda pitiful.
xo

afloat- There is a movie called runaway bride that helped me realize what I needed to do. There is a part in the movie where she literally has every type of way eggs are cooked and tries them all. I started to do that. I started something simple. My x hates olives and mushrooms so I never kept them in the house. I started bying them again

Catherine- I totally deal with that to. I have times where i am overly bit@$y when someone asks me something or talks to me in a certain way so I wont look too vulnerable and i work as an admin so I understand, but I just started trying and assess the situations as they come. Like "are they really being out of line or am I being overly self conscious"

That's funny inara that you mention that movie. I was grocery shopping after my divorce and the movie came to mind, and I realized I was buying stuff that the ex liked or preferred. I wouldn't get stuff I liked if he hated it. It had continued after the divorce.

With the new one, that isn't so. He hates sauerkraut but I love it. I buy it and eat it.

I realized it affected everything I bought. I didn't even know what shampoo I liked, or bath gel. Every time I run out, I buy something new to try. I buy his stuff, and then I buy mine. I used to feel all-consuming guilt. I still struggle with doing things for just me, or saying, "I'm going to do this or get this because I need..."

So, I "fake it, until I make it."

it is truly unconscious, you could be being washing gel but because it has a flowery sent you don't by it because it is not gender friendly. Not that you try to think that way it is just an automatic reaction.
Like vranka said, force it until it is natural

hmmmm. interesting. which one is "runaway bride"? i'm thinking of "princess bride"...
my bf eats like a 10 year old boy and we rarely go anyplace exciting or different to eat. it's the same ol places, the same ol food. he orders the same thing everytime.
i'm going to start "new restaurant" night once a month.
yesterday we were out watching the football game and eating and i noticed men at the bar with a newspaper and a beer, having lunch alone and i thought---
gee, why can't i do that? just venture out on my own.
i used to do it, a long long time ago.
now i seem to "reserve" time for my bf.
well, no one is going to change that but me.

I have never had a problem with Autonomy. Vulnerability on the other hand... Haven't figured that one out yet. But I am working on it.

afloat-I do that same thing. Reserve time for myself have a great day planned and they the X barges in and makes it a joint situation and I still back in and we are not even together!!

im a victum one again by my lazy son who will not leave home, he asked if i was going to change the locks while he is gone, would like to disapear but cant he will not get out and i cant make him. husband will probly take my house and leave me pennyless i cant protect myself feel hepless know should get a lawler but feel helpless. everything worked all my life is gone and i fell helpless to save anything from anyone.