I have been doing a lot of soul searching recently. You see I am going through a divorce after a 13 year marriage. My best friend is now a stranger to me, and I think I may have signed, sealed and delivered my own fate. For 13 years this man was almost....no...was too good to be true, he did everything for me, wanted nothing but to make me happy, loved me and everything about me. I kept waiting everyday for him to stop, kept waiting for him to say I was not good enough, to hurt me. I waited and expected it so much, that I never fully opened my heart to him, never fully would commit to him, never really wanted to be sexual with him. We have two children, we own a home....it's almost like all these years I've been going through the motions, without really being part of it all. My father left me and my family when I was 5 to pursue his love with heroine, popping back up now again my entire life never to stay for too long. I really never dealt with the pain of that loss, just kind of burried it, ignored it. Who cares anyway, girls don't need dads? DO they?? That's what I told myself. I thought I was normal, I knew I had intamcy issues, but denied the fact that I couldn't possibly love....or be loved in a healthy manner. That was until my marriage ended. Now, it's like I've had an awakening. I'm a co-dependent....and screwed up inside seriously! Now, I'm alone. I can't sleep, breathe, eat...all I think about it what I did wrong, what I could have done better. I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that I can't make everything better, I cannot FIX this one. Has anyone ever been through this one before? Ever push someone right out of your life, someone great? Someone that could have been healthy??
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