i think for me, i was an enabler because i wanted so badly to please.
i felt that if i didn't please (fix, take care of, whatever) that i wouldn't be loved.

i deal with fear of abandonment...so i would do anything to not be abandoned...and i want others to be happy....i have made life changes to please others....but then i get angry if i still don't measure up after making life changes....

I deal with fear of abandonment also.

For me it is totally about pleasing someone else - making someone else happy at the expense of myself. When I feel let down, of course at times that can come with anger but not because my needs weren't taken care of but because I didn't take care of theirs well enough, more of a failure's perspective. If I had done better for them, I'd feel better in myself kind of thought process...

I too am an enabler and though I am new to my dis-ease I do believe that all us enablers were well intended but misguided. I think of my recovery as time to give me the rest that I deserve after taking care of everyone else for all this time.

my anger comes out when I fail to control the other person. when i see that no one is listening to me or doing what i tell them to do i freak out and hit the roof with anger.... most of the time the person i'm trying to control is calm and laughing at me or making fun of my anger and then that makes it even worse..

my first husband made fun of me in front of my sons... now my sons think its perfectly acceptable to poke fun at mom and see how angry she can get..

they joke about who is the one who pissed off mom the most..

i'm getting mad talking about this now! haha ok ok deep breath, calm down, callllllllm dowwwwwn......

:o)

I've always had anger issues. Growing up in a violent environment will do that to you. I try and laugh about the times I've lost Self Control. I've screamed at people, cussed them out and sometimes even put myself at risk of real danger. Once a girl in McDonald's kicked my butt, for calling her the B word. Anger comes with this dysfunction. It is the emotional rage, I observed from my adult figures growing up. I practiced this brutality on innocent bi standers growing up. I always feel guilt about that. As an adult I've raged in public places, my business, anywhere I can't get control. I have stores I won't go into because I'm too embarrassed, because of previous history with Rage in their store.

On the positive side, I now go home, go to the Net, and write Emails to any Company that miffs me off. If the email doesn't work, I send them a direct letter. I don't mind spending the 38 cents to vent! I have fewer Rage Attacks since I've been aware of my dysfunctional behavior but they can still happen. I really do guard myself against them, by being conscience of my anger. I will walk out of a store, rather than have a scene, and I end up looking totally ridiculous and pathetic.

Mine was/is fear of rejection-abandonment and always trying to make other people happy, no matter how miserable I was. When I realized that I was not in charge of another's happiness o'meter, it truly changed my life. Plus I've come to realize that some people just flat out enjoy being miserable and bringing others down-this is the hard part to deal with for me.