"when we trust, we don't have to control"

beautifully said!
when we have trust in ourselves (our own ability to self care and respond in any unforeseen situation), the less we feel the need to control others and our surroundings.

I really agree that breaking the child's trust is tramatic and it is surely one of the worse things to happen to us was having our trust violated.

For me I find that my trust can not be repaired and I have trust replaced by faith.

Trust God (our Higher Power) and that faith gives us a new form of trust.

My trust in person(s) is long gone.

I trust a plumber to do the plumbing but I might not trust the repair bill.

I have to turn to my faith to trust another person inside of my house and in my life.

I do not even trust myself in many ways.

In a relationship then my boundaries are based on my own values and those of God and so I do not put any kind of blind trust on any other person.

I do not believe we can regain our childhood type of trust and trusting, and I see my faith as a worthier replacement for it.

Of course I could be wrong, and I might still be a nut case myself.

For me the question is how do you keep a sense of trust when your trust has been violated?
Not trusting in oneself can result badly i.e. not being able to make decisions and move forward in life. The worst part is the resulting low self esteem.
Being codependent and managing to select people who no one should trust, trust is a big issue for me.
I can understand Bookys sentiment it feels safer to have faith in religion rather than to trust because the risk is not as great and then neither will the hurt.
Trust is about learning how to be good to ourselves. Identifying what self defeating traits we carry and address those issues. Trust is knowing you call fall and get back up again. Trust is making mistakes and view them as stepping stones to help you to get where you want to be. Trust is not becoming cynical and give up.
Thanks Mingsplay for your thread, it sent me on a very enjoyable tangent.

I was not speaking of blind trust..Booky, That is a pathway for a downfall, IMO..I was talking about regaining a basic sense of trust in our own abilities to make sound decisions and stop the second guessing that codependency is noted for..When we happy with our own decisions we are better able to set healthy boundaries and we are happier in our selves in finding our own serenity..For me, indecision is a hobgoblin of destruction..When i don't trust my self I undo 3 years of recovery..despite my faith in my HP..

Corall, some one once said to me, "Religion is for those seeking to avoid hell, Spirituality is for those who have been there." I've done my stint in hell, I just want a relationship with my higher power.. So many time I've seen man's ego corrupt the better part of religion, but in the end it was the ego talking and religion took a back seat..

mingsplay: I am with you. I agree with you.

Today I ended a destructive relationship that I had been wavering over for a very long time--about 1 1/2 to 2 years!!!! I put up with the insanity of our friendship until I took responsibility for my part and ended it today. I stood up for myself, etc. because I trusted my Self, my opinion of the other person, and that I wanted to end the relationship. Funny: if I hadn't been in this group, then I would feel guilty right now for ending it, but I'm here and no guilt! I stayed friends with the other person out of guilt. I realize now, that I was delusional thinking this person NEEDED me and that her life would like crumble w/o me (LOL). I was manipulated and lied to, but felt she needed me--Crazy? Yeah, I agree.

I think the greatest Trust of all is in trusting Ourselves. That includes trusting our intuitions, and trusting our own opinions, etc. Now that I trust myself, I don't have to have control over a dysfunctional relationship because I ended it. My father, God rest his soul, was a "dry drunk" and manipulate d and lied to me right to his end...This group has helped me see that we must trust in ourselves first, and the rest follows. My Higher Power is there to guide me in ways, but I am the one who carries decisions out.

Okay--this is too long. Thanks, Everyone. ~Rae

I try and trust, I've foolishly found out though,

"I can trust, some people are untrustworthy."
As a survivor, of abuse, I know I can trust myself, even if I make a bad decision to let someone wrong for me into my life. I've often trusted those I shouldn't have. I always feel lack of control over trust. The people I grew up with were abusive, and loving. How could you not trust the people who were authority figures. Just when you trusted them the most, was when they usually beat you or each other.

I admit to being reserved when I first meet people, as I know only time will tell me, if they are worthy of my trust. A lot of times, they are wonderful people, but a few have been really abusive over the years, and I'll have nothing to do with them, in my recovery I've learned a different kind of trust.

I really wish there was a replacement terminology for "trust", because I do not like trusting much at all.

In fact "trust" always implies some "blind" or unknown element to it, and I do not much trust the unknown.

I agree with not second guessing and I agree with making sound decisions and standing by our decisions, but I do not see why "trust" is put into that process.

Why is the decision based on trust?

In example; I do not trust a motorcycle so I put on a helmit and safety boots and gloves and I determine to drive it easy and careful, so then I have a fun experience on the bike when in fact I do not trust it much at all.

So if I wanted to get married then I might want a prenuptual agreement and I would ask my fiance lots of questions so there are not to be any surprises, and so that kind of "trust" is based on fear and mistrust.

Why would not we just make the best decisions and the best boundaries that we can based on research and evidence and on known truths so then there is little or nothing left to trust?

If we get married again and our spouse cheats on us with our best friend as they often do, then is the trust proven wrong? or is it just an illusion? or what were we trusting in the first place?

I just do not see "trust" as a very valuable commodity.

It is some thing we give away very freely and it gives us lots of troubles in return.

This is just my perception, and I am all for having things like confidence and self esteem and boundaries.

It's about trusting our own instincts and decision making ability, also when we have our self trust we don't have to rely on, or trust someone else who may not be worthy of that trust..I really don't see where blind even comes into play here..Blind trust is just unrealistic..and just not smart..

If we get married again and our spouse cheats on us with our best friend as they often do, then is the trust proven wrong? or is it just an illusion? or what were we trusting in the first place?

Now to be fair..I was married and he did cheat on me. Does that mean that all men are cheaters?? No, I trusted in myself to have discernment of finding someone who respects and loves me for who I am and I did find someone, I did not settle for just anyone to love me..I just made up my mind that I was worth more and worth while to be with. and yes that step did involve a certain amount of trust on my part..the thing we need to realize that other people are just human beings and have faults and differences and should not be placed up high on a pedestal only to set them up for a fall in our eyes..it is unfair and unrealistic for both parties..

My mother is the child of an alcoholic & has codependency issues that she passed on to me...therefore, all codependents aren't children of abusers/addicts. Some of us come from a long line of codependency.

~C

I hear you loud and clear on that Cemetary, Although my mom was abusive at times I realize now that she was acting out of codependency as well.

My Mom gave the codependency to her kids and she surely did not mean to do it. Some one else gave the dysfunctions to my Mom.

This thing about "trust" really has gotten to me as I have been thinking on it for days now, and I never really knew trust in my life from the day I was born.

For me "trust" means that I myself must be "trustworthy" and "trusting" to other people.

But I do not expect to trust other people. If they fail or screw up or purposely betray me then I try to make excuses for them and I try to forgive it quickly or instantly and I take as much blame as I can onto myself.

That is my new way boundary as before when others betrayed me or violated my trusting then it hurt me horribly.

So maybe I did always have trust and it was repeatedly violated so I see it now as never having trust.

Now I actively work on getting other people to trust me and I expect myself to fulfill their trust.

If I tell some one that I will do some thing and if I fail even for honest reasons then I apologize and plead forgiveness and try to make amends and I will feel regrets about if for years there after.

That is a big part of the reason that I forgive others so quickly and easily.

I love it when others trust me, but I do not want my world to be based on me trusting any other person.

If they screw up then I trust myself not to fall apart and that is the best I have.

Booky I think the whole point of my posting this is that we need to relearn to trusting OURSELVES more so than going out of our way to trusting someone else. actually when we are comfortable with our own decision making, we don't have to trust another..and we are better capable in discerning who is trustworthy and who is not..

"If I tell some one that I will do some thing and if I fail even for honest reasons then I apologize and plead forgiveness and try to make amends and I will feel regrets about if for years there after. "

Booky, It sounds like you are way too hard on your self..Someone once told me "Unless you learn to walk on water you will have to learn to be happy just walking on the sand" When we have unrealistic expectation of our selves, we hinder our healing and acceptance of others..It's OK to say well I screwed up and did not carry my best intentions through, well all I can do is try better next time..

That is a big part of the reason that I forgive others so quickly and easily.


The thing I learned about my healing..is that when someone does me a injustice/ wrong..I do not forgive them for THEIR sake, I do it for my own so I AM able to move forward..Forgiving them DOES NOT include giving them another chance to hurt me either. It does not pay to hang on to old emotions/things or people who do not serve me well or hurt me.