DF has mentioned several times this week ( just brief conversations when when I had to relay a message or something ) that he would like to come and see our baby this Sunday .
Yesterday when I stopped by there , he saw her for a few minutes ,and asked again , please let me see her .
I had asked him to get some help , he says he is on a waiting list for a counselor , I think he should have just found a different office , sometimes those waiting lists can take months or a year . He won't go to any meetings or read any books or things I ( in the past ) had printed him off the computer, he doesn't visit any support boards that I had mentioned either .
Just to me seems like a small task in order to see your child , kwim ? But what is it saying that he won't do it ? BUT he claims he's not on anything , bull crap , for some reason he thinks drinking doesn't count , and last i knew he was drinking pretty heavily at night . he still worked hard and was dependable that way , therefore remaining "functional" in outsiders eyes , but at home he was miserable to be around .
So heres the thing I know he is going to call today and ask to come visit .
I feel weak , I miss him the past few days . It just makes me a mess to see him . I am so angry , hurt , and I feel abandoned , and I feel used , I feel like he chose the drugs over me ( well he technically did ) . I just want so badly still for him to change , and I know this is not healthy to think this way . I know I can't worry about him changing , only me changing . I KNOW what I am suppose to be doing , but everything inside of me is screaming in the other direction.
I just wish my family wasn't all torn up . I hate being alone ( even though really he wasn't good company, and it was always chaos ) and I hate thinking of him moving on and getting over me , which oddly enough seems like he is doing , and here I am still missing him .
Why do I feel like the loser in this situation ?
I don't feel strong enough to have him here . I don't trust myself to not try to throw things in his face , manipulate and try to make him want me . WHY do I feel the need to do this ? It never works , if anything I end up looking bad , and like a nag and a B , but still I can't stop myself . I end up being the bad one by saying something , making insinuations etc.

If I felt emotionally detached from him , than I would be able to stop . BUt I don't , I am still struggling with "what did I do wrong , why doesn't he love me "
I feel like I am pathetic ! How is he being so strong ?
Part of me wants to let him come by , because we've had no contact , and I am afraid that the longer there is time and space apart the faster he is forgetting about and getting over us .
But the other part of me , knows that I should stick to my altumatum ( sp?) that I gave him , he needs to get help before I can let him be involved around the kids ( we have a baby , and I have an older son ) .
I also feel like If I don't let him see our baby than he is just going to resent me more . ANd for some dumb reason I still want to make him happy , and for him to love me *roll eyes *

If I could just let him visit , and not react to anything , and not get into any conversations etc.
But I am just feeling to weak and desperate to handle being around him.
what should I do ? let him visit and practice my knew recovery skills ( I dont' sound so promising that I can do it tho ugh , lol ) , or just avoid his call all together .
Or should I answer the call and remind him of the getting help versus seeing his daughter ? If I said it in a calm and caring voice , nonconfrontational ?
what should I do ? I know he will be calling soon .
OH and something else , my aunt and her little girl wanted us to go to this little petting zoo today , and I kinda blew it off because I didn't want to miss DF's call or visit . I know that is codependent behaviour . I should just go to the zoo, it would be fun for my kids and a nice day . PRoblem is I will be distracted ( again codependent behaviour ) and sad all day obsessing about DF and losing controll of him .
I am so embarrassed to admit all this . I feel so powerless in this situation.