i have gone through what i call my taste fases. i started with pot at age 8 and that has been the one drug ive always fell back on. i have never looked at it as the worst thing since ive tried other things and know that they are all way worse. i wen t through my pill phase. sleeping pills, pain pills, and others. then there was acid, that lasted about 3 months. then i found extacy and i did that for about 2 years. one month i focused on opium covered pot, but that just made me paranoid and i didnt like it. so between all this ive always gone back to pot. well about three months ago i found coke. it started with one night and now its been 3 long months. it has gone from a half a gram a week to about 3 grams in two days. i quit for a few days, just to find myself buying more. and that instance is what brought me here. i have never felt like i "needed" to have a drug. i would go weeks at a time and even as long as a year or two with not even thinking of getting high. i loved having my fun then being able to be clean and sober for long periods. i would start to use something again, when i just wanted to mentally get away a while or just relax. but this cocain has done in three months what nothing else has done my whole life. its made me realize how not in control i am. im not strong. it doesnt make me feel better. i feel great for like 30 minutes, then i start coming down and need more. i havent slept in days and my head hurts. my nose bleeds every day and i throw up all the time. i loved the energy it gave me and being the chubby guy i am, i loved the fact i wasnt eating. now i cant eat if i want to and i cant even wake up without having a few lines as soon as my feet hit the floor. i have learned how much i hate myself lately. my depression has hit an all time low. and i hate that my last girlfriend of three years left me partially because i do use drugs in one form or another. we were engaged and had a nice house. i loved her more than i loved myself. more than the day itself. well i guess i was lieing, because i didnt give up the pot so she gave me up. well i tried to walk away and i did for two years, but one day i found myself smoking a joint, and even though i knew she didnt like it, i told her i had been smoking a few times a week. well, from then on she said i was weak and i needed to grow up, so i quit all together but it was too late. fast forward a year and shes getting married, so i decided to have some coke to get by the weekend and not think of her. well, now im really screwed. i wish i never let my so called friend let me try it. i never thought i would use coke. i never saw myself the way i do now. and the more i think about it the more i hate myself and just want to get high again. i on coke now. i plan on stopping tonight. i think i can, but i have doubts. it was just last week i tried to quit and now im high again. all skeed up. and for what. because i feel sorry for myself. i put myself through college. i have an engineering degree and i have even had the big office with the secraterey and company car and high 5 figure salary. well i tossed all that away because i wanted to feel better, and now all i feel is shame. i cant even look my family members in the eye because i know what im doing and know they would be devestated. i avoid contact with all the people i know and just sit on the couch getting ripped and making myself feel worse because i dont feel i can talk to anyone. i met a girl i really liked and didnt want her to find out about all this, so i kept blowing her off until she stopped calling, now i feel like a dick, and like i missed out on getting to know her and having a good time with her. this is not good. i know its not. im so done. infact im writing this and thinking about when im going to go skiing in the summer again. wow i am screwed. this is real bad. real real real bad. i wish no one would ever have to go through what im going through right now. no one deserves this. i know im better than who i am right now. i just need to be stronger than i am right now, but i cant find the strength. will i ever. or is this the begining of the end? is this what finally does me in? i know ive been feeling like i cant go to sleep because im afraid i may die in my sleep from an o.d. because i use so much at once. but thats because im afraid of sleep and need to stay up. its a bad cycle. im afraid of being alone because of what might happen, but i cant be around the people i know. what a catch 22. im real sick. i dont know anymore. i just dont. my head hurts. im sorry to everyone.
Posts You May Be Interested In
A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...
Today is my 25th birthday, to my somewhat lack of surprise I can see already no one really seems to care. I've always been the kinda person to make sure that everyone I Care about feels appreciated and knew somebody had their back. I can count 4 times this year when I Went out of my way to make sure a "friend" felt good on their birthday, especially if they got left hanging. Its early in the...