i have gone through what i call my taste fases. i started with pot at age 8 and that has been the one drug ive always fell back on. i have never looked at it as the worst thing since ive tried other things and know that they are all way worse. i wen t through my pill phase. sleeping pills, pain pills, and others. then there was acid, that lasted about 3 months. then i found extacy and i did that for about 2 years. one month i focused on opium covered pot, but that just made me paranoid and i didnt like it. so between all this ive always gone back to pot. well about three months ago i found coke. it started with one night and now its been 3 long months. it has gone from a half a gram a week to about 3 grams in two days. i quit for a few days, just to find myself buying more. and that instance is what brought me here. i have never felt like i "needed" to have a drug. i would go weeks at a time and even as long as a year or two with not even thinking of getting high. i loved having my fun then being able to be clean and sober for long periods. i would start to use something again, when i just wanted to mentally get away a while or just relax. but this cocain has done in three months what nothing else has done my whole life. its made me realize how not in control i am. im not strong. it doesnt make me feel better. i feel great for like 30 minutes, then i start coming down and need more. i havent slept in days and my head hurts. my nose bleeds every day and i throw up all the time. i loved the energy it gave me and being the chubby guy i am, i loved the fact i wasnt eating. now i cant eat if i want to and i cant even wake up without having a few lines as soon as my feet hit the floor. i have learned how much i hate myself lately. my depression has hit an all time low. and i hate that my last girlfriend of three years left me partially because i do use drugs in one form or another. we were engaged and had a nice house. i loved her more than i loved myself. more than the day itself. well i guess i was lieing, because i didnt give up the pot so she gave me up. well i tried to walk away and i did for two years, but one day i found myself smoking a joint, and even though i knew she didnt like it, i told her i had been smoking a few times a week. well, from then on she said i was weak and i needed to grow up, so i quit all together but it was too late. fast forward a year and shes getting married, so i decided to have some coke to get by the weekend and not think of her. well, now im really screwed. i wish i never let my so called friend let me try it. i never thought i would use coke. i never saw myself the way i do now. and the more i think about it the more i hate myself and just want to get high again. i on coke now. i plan on stopping tonight. i think i can, but i have doubts. it was just last week i tried to quit and now im high again. all skeed up. and for what. because i feel sorry for myself. i put myself through college. i have an engineering degree and i have even had the big office with the secraterey and company car and high 5 figure salary. well i tossed all that away because i wanted to feel better, and now all i feel is shame. i cant even look my family members in the eye because i know what im doing and know they would be devestated. i avoid contact with all the people i know and just sit on the couch getting ripped and making myself feel worse because i dont feel i can talk to anyone. i met a girl i really liked and didnt want her to find out about all this, so i kept blowing her off until she stopped calling, now i feel like a dick, and like i missed out on getting to know her and having a good time with her. this is not good. i know its not. im so done. infact im writing this and thinking about when im going to go skiing in the summer again. wow i am screwed. this is real bad. real real real bad. i wish no one would ever have to go through what im going through right now. no one deserves this. i know im better than who i am right now. i just need to be stronger than i am right now, but i cant find the strength. will i ever. or is this the begining of the end? is this what finally does me in? i know ive been feeling like i cant go to sleep because im afraid i may die in my sleep from an o.d. because i use so much at once. but thats because im afraid of sleep and need to stay up. its a bad cycle. im afraid of being alone because of what might happen, but i cant be around the people i know. what a catch 22. im real sick. i dont know anymore. i just dont. my head hurts. im sorry to everyone.
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