WOW.. you are 37 years old and you behave that way? That sounds like a spoiled 7 year old. Think about it... why would she want to be with someone who behaves that way. This may sound harsh.. but I have a funny feeling no one has ever been honest with you. You need anger management and you need to stop using mind altering substances. Who are you trying to kid... no wonder your life is a mess, you are making it that way.

easy killer! obviously thats only part of the story. i accidentally cut & pasted some of my anger mgt. post.

"This may sound harsh.. but I have a funny feeling no one has ever been honest with you."

no it just sounds ignorant. how in Gods name would you know that or anything like it?

its been 144 days since using so im way ahead of you on that.

"no wonder your life is a mess, you are making it that way."

I know you idiot, thats why its called RECOVERY... its why most people are here... thanks a lot for the support, you've really made me feel great! Im so glad i joined this group.

have a great day

144 days is great! Don't beat yourself up. The drugs want you to beat yourself up. It's their way of keeping a hold on you. Look at what you HAVE done. mgs has a point though. Time to step up to the plate. Sounds like you are on your way. Good luck to you!

Hi , hey CONGRATS on 144 days ! thats awesome .
Just keep doing it just for the day , don't try to project it too far into the future, baby steps , be easy on yourself .
Lots of emotions will continue to pour out while you remain sober, and the hard and confusing part will be FEELING your feelings , and even harder knowing what to do w/them . Not easy after numbing them away since 12. My guess ( and this is somewhat based on professional opinion , because this is what my ex's counselor told him ) is that you handle emotions as a 12 year old would , because thats when you started using substances to cope instead of working thru your emotions. You are starting at a different level. You will have to learn to react to things all over again without numbing it .
Just keep up with the recovery , don't expect to feel better overnight , it can take alot of time and hard work . But YOU are WORTH it .
I'm very proud that you opened up on here and that you are trying ((((HUGS}}}}

Remember even older people have imperfections and need work , don't let that discourage you , theres no room for guilt or beating yourself up , its not going to get you healthy and sober.
Hey better to start at 37 than at 50 , or 60 , or even worse .. NEVER , kwim ? You started reaching out THAT is what is the important part .

Hello Dave!

Tremendous job, dude, putting the brakes on a 25-year old habit of getting high. A quarter century of partying is alota smoke and coke to put behind ya. And 144 days is a nice slice of clean pie!

In my life, my anger ALWAYS got me the exact OPPOSITE result I hoped for. This was SUCH A RELIABLE result that I finally decided to flip it around, just for the heck of it at first. What I'm saying, is that in a case like yours, for example, when a lady I had offended by my hostility to her friends, I decided to praise her pals instead of condemning them!

In fact, my then girlfriend, Carolyn, had been rekindling a relationship with one of her ex-husbands. Initially, I wished him all sorts of misfortune, to put it mildly. But when she made plans to leave and remarry him, for my own sanity, I made up my mind to do everything in my power to help and congratulate her decision. It field really weird to assist her in packing, praise her choice in men and express fond hopes for their future together. Call it "killing them with kindness", I guess.

Anyway, she moved off to Florida and remarried, and in less than a month, was calling, crying that she really loved me all the while and wanted to dump her husband (again) and reconcile!

Moral of the story, kill them with kindness, its alot less stress, you won't end up in prison and it'll get you the results you want! That anger stuff is JUST LIKE a DRUG. I fed on it the SAME WAY. Just try being overly nice in a situation that you'd have previously been Mr Meanie and see hoe it works!

Sorry for talkin' your ear off, but you struck a nerve with me and I saw how much you cared that you came on to share, So. You Take Care, man!

144 days sober is awsome if your truely at 144 days. In your post you mention using a line in that time frame. In recovery I learned that being honest with ourselves is the first step to acceptance. and MSG couldn't have said it any better at time it's hard to hear what you know is the truth. Anger is a behavior almost all addicts must learn to manage. Anger gives us an excuse to use...it's the disease lying to us. We get angry so we use, some makes us angry so we use, we are angry and don't want to feel that way so we use. It's a vicious cycle. Anger causes us to do some real stupid things when not mangaged and checked. Words hurt and can't be taken back. I've been clean 17 years (18 years on Nov. 8 God willing.) Good luck my friend, Sobriety does get easier with time.

144 days, yeah!!!! Keep trying one day at a time, god is with you. K

THANKS EVERYONE THIS IS AN AWESOME WEBSITE. (im going to post it separately too....)))145 NOW, NO BLOW IN THAT TIME EXCEPT ONE LINE LIKE I SAID... (((my friend came over about three months ago. hehad some coke out before i knew it and had a line out... i truly FORGOT i had been not doing it, its been around so long, and i did a line but IMMEDIATely remembered as i was doing it. again, did not like the high and didnt do another even though he did five more in front of me.))))

Since then, i can even be around it while people are doing it as long as i DONT SEE IT. this is a first... before, if you even brought it up i would tell you to "dont TALK about it unless you HAVE it". in fact many of my friends copied that line from me and still use it all the time.

i have great friends and i tell the ones i know that get high a lot not to break it out, just go to the bathroom or something. i am now to the point i can watch people scurry back and forth to the bathroom and come out jabbering like a fucking squirrel and no problem. UNTHINKABLE six months ago.

I CANNOT SAY SOBER, ITS DISRESPECTFUL TO SOBER PEOPLE. IVE SMOKED POT A FEW TIMES and had a few glasses of champagne other times, but have not been DRUNK or USING COCAINE since May 29... and it wasnt even good!!!! the heavy alcohol abuse COMBINED with the blow, and the resulting cross addiction, has been the most destructive issue. im trying to get the monster by the neck, so that when i have him down i can KILL HIM. the other stuff isnt shit, i can quit that any day. im strong. plus, pot does not have the same effect on me as most, im AD/HD and it helps me focus sometimes, not a spacey affect like most report. sounds like and excuse and maybe it is... but COCAINE.... this is the shit that has to be dealt with RIGHT NOW. then later, sure, maybe i'll go further. Probably so. but im BRAND new to all this.

I SWEAR, JUST RIGHT NOW IS THE TOUGHEST TIME I HAVE HAD STAYING OFF BLOW. I WANT TO GO DO SOME RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

its a funny story why. i used to live in Los angeles up to about 7 years ago and thats where the coke got really really out of hand. i mean probably AVERAGING a couple grams a day by maybe 1999 or so. as bad as it gets without needles. smoking the shit right in the living room till 5pm the next day, we had a house on the beach, a houseful of addicts who had people over 6 nights a week till daybreak at leaST, and the neighbors called the cops so often that they just ignored them.

we were getting ounces of the shit from mexico for SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS. i still have a pretty ridiculous capacity for doing it. i went to new orleans with my buddies over new years and snorted up a quarter ounce by myself in three days and nights. no-one else did a line. not unusual. did worse than that in march when i visited LA. twice as bad.

anyway back in the midwest the coke sucks outside of chicago. it has helped my efforts TREMENDOUSLY that i haven't had a good time doing it the last maybe 10 times, at all. bad shit, edgy, not fun. i think it was God honestly helping me to breAK THAT link of COKE=FUN.

but i have been cleaning the kitchen and found a baggie half dull of flour that my mom left in the cupboard ''it looked like a big bag of real coke... and i swear i just deja vu'd so hard to those times..FUCK. i just really want to go get a bag of coke and snort some of it then maybe smoke the rest. this is the first really big fucking craving.

ill get through it though.