Not sure you all saw my msg cuz i posted it as a response to my original post about being an addict. And yeah mostly I choose now to stop because my supply ran out, but I'm stopping none the less. Last night as my head started to clear was the worst. Did a little bit yesterday early in the day, not my usual all-nighter and at the rate I'd been going it was essentially nothing. I think I cried for five hours. becuase I remembered why I'd gone on this little binge in the first place. Don't even know where the last month went. Or the money. I know the reason I'm doing this is becuase I have things to deal with and as long as I continue using, whatever it is, I won't deal with them and it will keep being this vicious circle and I'll keep being miserable. I know I just can't touch it, if I can just stay away i'll be fine, but once i touch it again..there goes another whole month at least. I wasn't even getting high anymore. Wanted it but didn't want it, but still kept doing it. I feel like my body is full of poison and I just want it out. I just keep reminding myself how it feels waking up the next afternoon, if I've even slept at all - the guilt, the self-disgust, the craving for more, the anxiety over seeing the rest of my life (what little of it I feel there is) just wither away. Everyone's initial comments were both discouraging and encouraging at the same time. It made me look at what I really was, kinda like how last winter when I was told I had PTSD, I looked back and saw all the episodes of anxiety and depression and self-destructive behaviors as a pattern I kept repeating, and each time they did, the problem wasn't the external circumstances of whatever particular situation it was at the time that I thought was making me depressed, the problem was the the big picture, that I was what I was inside and I would find the external circumstances to confirm that for myself. But I saw the pattern for the first time. I saw the disease that had to be treated instead of just wasting my time trying to deal with the symptoms. And I'm not looking forward to the work I have to do to feel really healthy and whole and healed, but I know I have to. It was kinda the same thing with the coke, and its part of how I managed to get through 29 years without realizing what was causing all my inner turmoil. But I saw it as part of a pattern of behavior; I felt like oh it was just a little of this kinda thing here and a little there and I'd stop in between. But when I look back over like a ten year period I see it was always there, but just like with the depression/PTSD, etc.. I focused on the particulars of the situation, not the bigger picture. But like evyerone said, admitting it is the first step. And truth is, I really could never do anthing in moderation, I think it was just the way the coke affected me made me unable to rationalize my use as recreational or semi-self-medicating, but I had it all under control. Well I didn't. So at least now I know I have to stay away, probably from everything, right now its been almost 24hrs and I almost don't want it I feel so disgusted with myself. But then I think maybe I'll have a couple drinks later and then what happens...the craving, and then the fight begins. This drug just was the worst I guess, but yes, I am an addict, yes I have a problem and I don't know exactly how I'm going to go about dealing with it yet, but... oh here it comes!! Isn't that funny?! The craving.. Just as I'm about to say how I just want to be 100% sober, I want absolutely no substances in my body, I feel the craving for coke. This is going to be the first night without it, I hope it stays that way. I just keep telling myself that I am in control here, that I can say no, I don't have to give in, I can stay clean I just have to want it bad enough.
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