its been a wierd year, i have spent alot of it trying to quit drugs alcohol but maybe not really trying properly and really taking advice from ppl who know better. ive gone back and forward to thinking im an addict, thinking im not and total confusin, i make a desicion that i was and i doomed myself to death, and then i decided i just didnt know what to do or think any more so i just go on with how things were, and its been ok really, accepting things was very easy and try and look at things positively, my mind goes im not an addict, im paranoid, im not like that person and i ask people and they go no charlotte your just being paranoid, so maybe i am i think but its easy for me to carry on if you know what i mean, i dont really think i am a fully blown addict but i could be, and i feel like crap like 60% of the time and that just increases. so im aware of this and i go well im not gonna do parties anymore well not every weekend and instead im just drinking a hell of alot at home and feel crap and when i do go get some drugs i just want it alll even more coz ive been with out! so this weekend was my best mates sons birthday and he took too much and he started fitting, it was prob one of the most awfull things thats happened, he made it coz we got the ambulance but i think everyone is traumatized and its just liked fucking hell how can we be taking so much drugs infront of all these teenagers and then be suprised when they overdose and do silly things when mummy and daddy is is doing it but alot more coz they have more money, its nit just random strangers taking drugs together, its the whole family tree, and so if you really want to give it up you find it nearly impossible whether your an addict or not coz everyone is bloody doing it, even at university, i think i go to a new place and try make new friend and there doing it in the toilets or funnily enough the other day someone was gving out free nitrous oxide in day light on university ground and its like well how do you get away with that coz no one gives a shit and everyone does it. i had to go back up to my families to get away and even then my sister confess shes has been doing speed for ages and sorry that she was so hard on me when i tried to tell i was doing drugs. i dont think you can get away from it, you got to have the will power to go no, you need to have faith that theres something better than just being trapped. i get so sick of thinking of me me me me, and i think have you heard yourself you need to shut up! even now its like that, and my mate just nearly died, crazy!
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