Well this might be long... and boring. But I want to tell my story- my whole story. To anybody that would listen.

I am 21 yo recentlly married. Attending college although not currentlly ( i guess kind of a maternity leave) My first child was born on October 9th of this year. He is an angel. I've never loved anything more. My husband is my soul mate. Money is tight, and we're young, but we live a dream life.

That is.. until November 3rd of this year. Now I've smoked pot for years, quite reguarlly. Ill admit Im addicted to it.. but its cheap, i dont do it in public, i stopped when i was pregnant, it doesnt interfere with my work... im okay with pot. But on Nov. 3 I asked my sister in law, who is only 16 and had been living with me for 2 weeks if she would let me try some of her cocaine. Of course she did. And I've done it everyday since. It took me a while to realize it but in the beginning there was a person taking measurable steps to get me hooked.

This guy, my sisters friend, this neighbor man that would come over and give me coke for free 5 days out of the week. He would get me a gram for $10 and then sit in my living room and do 4 grams in a night sharing with me and my sister. And all of a sudden he couldnt find me any weed. So I was out of pot so i did even more coke. He kept this up until my sister left for job corp about a week after I first tried it.

So now the sister is gone, the man left,
I told myself that once my sister left I would stop... but I also made sure she introduced me to all her dealers before she left, and i made sure to meet them all. So i never intended to quit.

In the three short weeks ive done coke I've spent over $1000 and we were broke before i ever tried coke. I paid for it with a cash advance off of my credit card and with decembers 5th check (if you get paid every week december always has 5 fridays in it)

I knew by week two that I couldnt keep going... I thought i couldnt because i didnt have the money.

By now I'm buying an 8 ball every other day

Now it is week three almost four and I know that If i dont stop this it is going to take my whole life away. This is a game you can never win. Doing coke is like running a marathon and getting nowhere.

I have considered pawning things, stealing from bank accounts i should not be accessing but can. Luckily I have not done this yet... but I am already thinking about it. I do coke in public all the time.. one i start i cannot stop because if i sleep i will crash.. and i cannot crash with a newborn. He needs to be fed every three hours, if i stop doing coke i wont be able to get him when he cries... so i just keep going and going, until my husband is around long enough to take care of the baby for me to crash.. and then i really worry him.

I know if I dont stop.. .and stop right now.forever. I may never be able to.

I realize this drug has the power to take everything from me.. my husband, my child... my soul.

About my baby.. he is my first and he is only 7 weeks old. It wrecks my soul to think that i have been doing coke almost half of his little life. I have taken good care of him, i have not neglected him... but i could have done better. I'm not so deep into coke that I deserve to have him taken from me... but I could have enjoyed him more... I didnt take enough pictures..i put him in his swing instead of holding him.. i made his father take him..basiclly he has not been my number one priority. hence my screen name. He has to be my number 1. He deserves that. My biggest fear is that there are little coke particles all over my living room... all over me all over my shirt... my hair whatever... that im going to sit his pacifier down on a table and get residue on it.. or that im going to hold my finger over the bottle to shake it up and get coke on the nipple. I cant even kiss him after I'm high cause I rub coke on my cigarettes to make my lips numb.... I've gone 3 weeks without kissing my son everytime i wanted to.

I am not willing to lose what I have. I am not willing to be controlled by a drug... I cannot let my son see me in a coffin and that is what will happen.

You must think im stupid for saying this after 3 weeks... but I know it's true.. cause I know how I feel when it runs out. I know i need help. And I am not afraid to admit it. Some who use coke for 10 years may think im a loser but i dont care who did more coke than me, even if i only did it for three weeks... that has been enough for a lifetime.

I'm terrified I wont stop.
But I'm confident that I will because I realized this so early... and I am determined.

I promised myself, and my husband that by Monday... I will be done forever.

I will be around alot.
I hope we can be friends.
For my sons sake... I hope I'm around here alot.
So this is like...an introduction.
Hi.