today started out really great. i went out to the beach with my friends and had a few drinks and food it was a lot of fun at first. i could tell something was up and everyone was going to go back to my friend's house to party and i had to go home. i knew what they were going to be doing and it sucked so hard becuase i wanted to do it so bad. its killing me how bad i wish i was there right now getting high. i think about it everyday, and it never seems to get better. i am trying so hard to keep it together but i even started to cry(yeah i know i probably sound like a loser right now) i just wish i could make this thoughts go away i dont want to feel this way anymore. i dont want to be an addict. it will be 1 year clean in may but it just keeps getting harder to stay clean. at least im at my parents house now where i know im ok. im just going to have something to eat and go to bed so i can stop thinking about it. or at least try too. why wont this just go way
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