i do it because it makes me feel powerful. no one can get me when i have it. i have always been terrified to fail, and on it i never do. the only time i fail is when i come down, and then i just drink myself into an oblivion, so that i pass out and don't feel the bad part of the cycle. i drink a bottle of wine by myself, and then i go get it. i have stayed up all night, doing line after line on my own this evening. i searched the internet for a number, for someone to call, just craving a voice to tell me i will be ok, that this too shall pass, that things will change. i am an addict. it snuck up on me, somewhere within my belief that i had control, that it was simply social, that i could stop it. i have never tackled my fear of showing who i really am, of throwing the real me out there, cause i was so scared of being shot down. i hid behind the booze and the drugs. yeah im scared that i have become this, but i am mostly scared that i now have to face the world as the real me: i don't even know who the hell that is. i cannot believe that this is what has become of me.
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