so ive been giving the meeting a go recently, ive done 4 meetings, and i have related alot to what people are saying, i havent really taken much notice of the 12 step stuff, its all too much really to think about right now! so i took the approach of just live day by day, and ive been doing that for the week ive stayed in preston, only managed 2 days sober and tonight wasnt a positive meeting for me, so i got home and had a drink. what really stuck out to me was that the addiction makes you want to do it your way, i totally related to this, i want to do it my way on my own, just be ok get through life, ive always done that and still believe i will be ok i guess. ive been saying each day im going back to wales 2moro and then i havent coz im not ready, i think as soon as i get there i will just get wasted, but i am going back to wales 2moro which seems insane, some ppl at the meeting thought it was very risky and that i just need to get through alot of meeting before i can face all of that. which is true and i think ok so why am i insisting on going back and facing it all, its so so stupid? i was talking to someone and they said maybe you just arent ready and you need to do more to hit rock bottom, which i kinda agree with, maybe i havent hit rock bottom because im still foolish enough to think i can go back there and have some charlie 3 or 4 days on the trott and sort my life out and be happy, but i cant! its just gonna get worse! why does that not compute with my brain? is it coz ive not hit rock bottom? i thought i had hit my bottom when i was very emotional at a festival, i thought i was gonna kill myself, im scared my rock bottom is death, i mean a very wise man said for you to come to the meetings you want to live and you want to change, maybe im not all that bothered about living anymore? maybe this is a bad day and im gonna throw it all away by going back to wales 2moro? by meeting other addicts i see there is a life after all of this crap, but the illness still takes a hold and is telling me i cant do what they have done, i dont believe there is a happy life too negative for my own good. sorry guys!
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