It all started at the age of 17 and I am now 35. At first I started selling drugs as time went on I started using cocaine. So for me it's like I'm not only addicted to the drug I'm also addicted to the fast lifestyle.I been to prison 3 times only to get out and return to what I left which was the drugs and that lifestyle.I thought by me being in prison and not using while in prison that that would solve everything but each and every time it resorted back to the same thing.At this current time I'm doing better in my life than ever before but it seems like I find myself being pulled back into the drugs and the street life.I've only been out of prison for 3 months but I feel like my problem is getting worse. I've never been in a program on the outside but right now at this point of time in my life i know that's what i need before it's to late. I have an idea of what drug treatment consist of from being in treatment in prison but that treatment in prison it gives me knowledge but it doesn't give me what i need because in prison there is no temptation. I need something while i'm on the outside cuz that's when temptation gets the best of me. I pray about my addiction more than anything and that's my one wish that god will take this away.but i don't feel like god listens to me. I don't like being like this. I know i didn't get like this overnight and i have to take it one day at a time but right now i am willing to do whatever it take its hard tho because of the hours i work are the same time the meetings are. I don't feel like i'm a bad person but i feel like i'm selling drugs to support my habit and i keep telling myself if i get away from this area i live in i will change but in all reality drugs is everywhere it's hard because all the people i know this is the normal lifestyle we been doing it our whole life. sometimes i feel like this is gods punishment for the lives i destroyed from selling drugs and destroying their lives.One of my closest cousins just passed from drugs less than a month ago and u would think that would make me stop but it don't it's nothing.Even tho i only use on the weekend the drug has taken over me.once i start its hard for me to quit i just want to live a normal life but as long as i use my life will never be normal.i hurt alot of people during my drug addiction and by the grace of god not many have turned their back on me but i know the line is thin and im tired of living like this. i hate being addicted so much that sometimes after i went on my spree the next day i feel like i would be better off dead that way i cant cause me or anyone else no harm.im depressed all the time but the medication they give me for bi polar the drug is stronger and sometimes when i do cocaine it's like my get away. it takes away any worries i have. i need to get it together and live a normal life drug free and i know i been saying this for years that alchol is one of my triggers but this weekend really proved it to me. i;m spending time with my daughter for her b-day and i'm enjoying myself with her but im thinking about getting high and when i drink it i think i'll just do a couple of hits just 10 or more. I wish there was some kind of medication that i can take that would make me stop using but I know there isnt so i have to get into somekind of treatment asap before it gets worse and i lose everything i got.drugs has been my life so it's hard for me to stop everyone i know including my family either sells or uses. I feel like im stuck in between a rock and a hard spot because i love my family but i know they aren't any good for me right now. I love my brothers very much and we are close but they both sell drugs. and even tho they don't give me the drugs its like they are still giving it to me in a indirect way. All i want in life is to be happy and my family to be happy. My parents are happy right now because i got a job for the first time in my life but it's like i'm living two lives.one life is the normal life i'm taking care of my responsibility and the other life is a drug life and it seems like the more and more i use the more the negative life is taking over the positive side and i don't want that.There's nothing i want more than to stop using.I pray every night that he will take this addiction from me and help me be strong.Please give me some advice i really need it asap!
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