I am just needing to talk and tell what has been going on with my life - I also asked for advice on staying clean. I starting using drugs around the age of 12, by 14/15 I was using acid heavily-one bad trip after taking several hits of acid landed me in the hospital. I continued to use drugs with my husband. When I became pregnant I stop using and did not use any drugs for several years. My husband became abusive and we separated in 1997 and that was when I was introduced to crack, I would use on the weekends then I started using during the week but I still went to work. I put myself through nursing school and used crack the whole time, I graduated and got my RN license. I moved from NC to Baltimore and went to work for Johns Hopkins Hospital. Eventually I bought a house and had everything that a single person could want, except I would not allow myself to be happy. My addiction became worse, but I was still functioning and going to work until the craving for the drug was stronger and stronger, I would call out of work and then eventually I just did not show up for work because I would want another hit and that would be all I could think about. I eventually lost my job, but nobody knew that I am a drug addict because I would tell them the reason I was out sick was because of my diabetes or Hypertension. I got another job and lost it, I worked for an agency and lost that position. I then went to travel nursing. During this time span of 1-2 years, my house ended up in foreclosure 3 times the first 2 times I came up with the money and saved it but by the 3rd time I could not, but I had a guardian angel and sold the house, closed on it 2 days before foreclosure. I almost lost everything - you think that would have been a wake up call. I came to LA a year ago stayed clean for 3 months. Then I just could not deal with my feelings anymore and used again and can't seem to stop. My recruiter and I became friends and I used to talk to her about my sister and her crack addiction, but never told her about me. One day her and I were at lunch and she told told me she was a recovering meth addict. A week later I opened up to her and told her about me and that I want to get clean, I told her over the past several years I talked to a counselor, and priest but still never stayed clean. She told me about NA. Our friendship is one that I cherish, at one point she would not talk to me and was scared for me she told me I was an active addict not a recovering addict (Truth hurts). I jeopardized her job because she knew I was using and did not report me,I also jeopardized my job. I love my job it is one thing I do not want to lose. I have a sponsor in NA, but I am leaving LA next week for a new assignment, I know they say geographical relocation will not keep me clean. Everytime things are going good in my life and I am happy I use, it is like I don't deserve to be happy. My childhood was good, I have loving and caring parents - who I did open up to and tell them I was an addict, but they do not know that I have still been using. I recently had gastric bypass because of my health problems (diabetes,hypertension,dilated aorta) - I could wind up dead. But, when I use crack I don't have to feel the feelings, I am a very private person and was taught that what happens behind closed doors stays there - my father was a minister and we grew up around good people so I just can't figure out why I turn to drugs for comfort. My life is actually good right now and if I don't stop I am really going to f-ck it up. I am filing for custody of my 16 year old - he wants to come and live with me. I have a wonderful job. I have several true friends that really care. I still have my parents in my life. I have numbed myself from life for the past ten years and am having trouble staying clean and handling life.
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