I have been sitting here looking out my window thinking of all the friends I have on DS (and hopefully friends to come) and all the heartfelt post and what they have done for me. I have spent so much time, as I'm sure we all have, thinking of all the things I use to do and the person I use to be. I see my life as before and after CP. The before was so great. Sure I had my problems, but overall I was OK. I was the one who had the parties for every occasiion, the one who was there in any crisis, the life of the party my kids use to say. All fragments of time and places in my mind that I go back to when I'm feeling down. But I also have tried to hang onto that person now that my CP has taken over and I've decided, for me personally, that it might not be a good thing. Not the wonderful memories mind you, but the time and energy to keep that part of me going. The fact is, it just isn't possible. I CAN NOT do the things I use to period. And I'm sorry, but I don't want to make comprimises that still make me feel like less than I am or what I could be. I don't want to be reminded anymore of my short comings. I have spent so much time still trying to be THAT person that I've lost site of who I am now. And I'm not accepting this lying down. I think I can still be ok even with the life changes that CP brings. You know you try to be up and not let anyone know how difficult your life becomes that you don't take time to let go even for a minute and say ok, where do I go from now? I don't want to spend the rest of my life in the BEFORE and AFTER. I just want to somehow live it to the best that I can NOW. I have met so many incredible people on this site. I have friends, people send me flowers everday, hugs, and a good looking Irish guy who sends me Shamrocks! Friends who have reminded me of my love for reading, music, and yes, our resident Poet reminded me that I use to write it myself. I find laughter and jokes and also sorrow that goes with life with or without pain. I have rid myself of so much anger with the help of my friends. I know what I have LOST, but now I also know what I have gained. I want to sart anew and reinvent myself. I will ALWAYS have sad days and days when my pain is almost too much to bear, but I want to go forward also and find some joy that I thought was forever lost to me. Plain and simple, I want to have fun once in awhile, just like every other living breathing human being. I don't think that's too much to ask for. Thanks to our incredibly talented Kim, I am going on a road trip with all my friends and I'm REALLY looking forward to it. There is life AFTER CP, we just have to look for it. I have no doubt, when I have one of those days where all this optimisim vanishes up in smoke, that I will remember the person I use to be, and even cry for the loss, but I would like to grieve for her passing and celebrate who she was, and maybe....just maybe, take part of her along with me for the ride......
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