Having a pretty terrible couple of days.. I found out my results from my neuropsych eval and turns out I'm suffering from a traumatic brain injury. They said it's mild which is good but the parts of my brain that are damaged are cognitive, emotional, and interpersonal. So things like memory, planning, attention, emotional reaction and control have all been affected. At first it felt like I was taking it pretty well but then something small happened where I got confused about something small that had to deal with my roommate. It tore me apart. It broke me down and I just couldn't stop crying. Still today I feel so raw and fragile. I've talked to my close friends and family and some are trying to be there for me but others I feel like are making it worse. They're telling me to be grateful that I didn't suffer worse, that I'm still alive. Telling me that I'm in control and that I can now become "a better person, a better you". I'm obviously so thankful that I'm not paralyzed and that I'm alive but I just feel like they are treating me as if I'm like saying "oh poor me my life is so terrible". I'm not. I'm saying that it fucking hurts. I don't get it. Is what I have gone through not enough to warrant some emotional turmoil? What I keep going through? Like how I thought my depression, PTSD, and emotional rollercoaster were in reaction of what happened but finding out that these parts of the brain were actually fucking damaged and so it's making it all worse.
I feel so broken apart and now I feel even worse for crying over it all. Like how dare I not have my shit together by now.. I don't know who to talk to. I'm scared I'll keep hearing this from the people I love and trust.
It takes so much to just get in the shower, and take out my dog, and get in my car and drive to school or work. By the time I'm in class, I'm exhausted because I just used up the energy I had to get here. My affect is flat, and I can't participate, and my professors think that I'm just bored or disengaged. I wish I could tell them that I'm exhausted. Exhausted from fighting most of my life to...
~ DEATH LEAVES A HEARTACHE, NO ONE CAN HEAL. LOVE LEAVES A MEMORY, NO ONE CAN STEALLEST WE FORGETGOD BLESS THE USA ~ THE HOME OF THE BRAVE