I can't say enough how much DS has done for me, but one thing I didn't see coming was how much it would make me THINK. No matter what I look up or where I go on this cite there is always that certain post that gets my blood boiling. I was browsing around this afternoon and there was Katie in all her pain and vlunerability! I wanted to scream over the insanity of it all. I remembered in an instant the Dr who, 6 yrs 2 mos and 2 days ago, treated me like I was'nt a human being with feelings. In all his arogance he dismissed me before I could hardly get out my symptoms. I remembered him and so many other dr's, nurses, pharmacist, co-workers, so called friends that made me feel less of a human being. That "I" somehow was the problem and not my pain. I remember the off-handed remarks, jabbs, and down right cruelty of all those offenders who made me doubt myself and my own sanity....The stupid woman at work( when I did work) that said she didn't even like to take aprin. Well pin a medal on her. Let's kick that pain index up to about a 9 or 10 and see how she feels about asprin then! The time I said I was on methedone and the whole office looked at me like I was a drug addict. The FRIEND that told me I should take tylenol pm for my own good? Would'nt that be great! No problem, just walk in the drug store and buy it. I remember the smart ass pharmacist that hollered out for everyone to hear that my dr sid it was too early and that I could'nt get my meds yet. I remember the dr that I asked to adjust my meds becuase they were not helping anymore and the way he looked at me and said I was getting HOOKED and took me off everything and how horrible the withdrawal was and how he would'nt even give me anything for that. I remember all the family functions I missed due to CP and the unkind remarks becuase I never could do ANYTHING. I remember forcing myself to attend things I knew would hurt me but did anyway to prove what???? I remember...I remember all of it and how it effected me and made me feel about myself. Why should we have to BEG or apologize for anything. What is wrong with showing just a little compassion? I'm tired of saying I'm ok when I'm not. I'm tired of feeling like I have to make excuses for something that just IS. I did'nt ask for this life of pain but I'm sure as the devil not going to make you feel better by hurting myself. For all of those JERKS out there who hurt me and made me cry "Up Yours"!!! And I say it for all of my friends too. And I think that 's what DS is for me. A learning and cleansing experience. Maybe now that I have vented big time I can put some of these memories to rest and get on with my life!!!!! I just had to get this out of me today and I thank you all for listening.
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