I have been suicidal before, and the word enters my consciousness frequently now, but no desire to act attached. I figured a few things out. Sometimes I wonder how much more I can take but I HAVE been able to say during most days, in spite of everything, that ____ was worth being here for. Maybe a funny line on TV, maybe watching the wildlife outside. And lately the saying that no company is better than bad company. Isn't it ironic that when I finally got comfortable in my own skin, I'm too sick to do anything about it? And yes, not ironic perhaps, but the universe tryng to teach me its cosmic lesson.

Besides, I hold out the hope that a big medical announcement re: CFS being REAL will soon be made, and if I weren't here, I wouldn't be able to have the official SMUG look on my face as I brandish the clue bat and say to mine enemies, "See? NOW I don't have to HIT you with THIS!!!"

Whether we admit it or not, the thought always crosses the minds of the chronically ill. There is a long list on a CFS website in memory of those that acted on it. I CRY ! I get angry....but I always think of the devistation it would cause my husband, parents, children and grandchildren. I watched each of my grandparents die a slow suffering death. I know I want God to take me quickly....but at his time, not mine.

Of course it's there. I've lost friends to it. But I've decided to make a stand. If I should ever do it, it will only be on the doorstep of the government that poisoned me and the insurers who try to starve me out. I wouldn't think of wasting my life by leaving quietly. It would at least have to benefit the rest of us, if only by making the point.

Boy does this hit home. *I have a"science fiction" fantasy; which i realized this past week. Get in my car..drive , I don't know where, and come out on the other side. And than i would be "me " again.
I would regret leaving the children and grandchildren; but there are so many people "over there" inc my husband; that i would be ok with it.
I would never take my own life, cause i would not do that to my family, and have them live with that guilt, of; what more could we have done?
I will try to send this group a site to go to , a newspaper in Ohio, made some awful remarks about CFS; and so far there have been almost 100 replys to the editor from people with CFS. A lot of talk about suicide.

I value life..really. I have often felt proud of never, ever having a suicidal thought, even when I went through a divorce from an abusive man, and had to work 3 jobs to feed my kids.

Well, a few months back, when the pain levels really elevated, and I learned it was Fibro, and I could be hurting like this the rest of my life, I did get depressed, and a result of that depression was thoughts of What If...

I wasn't around
I wasn't a burden to my husband
I wasn't a sudden "boring" Mom
I wasn't.......

Very scary, but Never have I made a plan or even considered the act, but yes, the what ifs have me sometime....and

And to all that take it a step further, and start making plans, REACH OUT..to your doctor, spouse, parent, clergyman(or woman), neighbor, hospital emergency room...Hugs, Cathi

I think it is natural to think about it. There hasn't been an alternative given to us that would help significantly, yet, to give us something to think of instead. We have to fight it, but I think it is natural. IF it gets to that point, I just go ahead and take the break, nap, anything to brush it off and make those moments less of a struggle... hasn't helped my relationships or jobs very much, but what the heck else can we do? It is virtually impossibe to make someone understand... Maybe we can start our own business, put couches in all the offices, work in shifts, make the entire employee structure of only people who have it, beieve it exists and want to help. We can have massuses(sp?) to massage our aching muscles, people to help everyone find something to brighten their day, and even places to spend the night near by, or housing, for those workers who need to be close to work or help or they'd be unable to contribute. Maybe we could all take part in our own research! Forget the doctors who don't KNOW what it is really like! Get a couple 100 of us together and all trying the same things at the same time - I think we'd figure it out! I have had at least 3 times in the last 2 years that I have had 1-3 days 100% symptom free... these were after a good 2-3 days of just not eating. 1 time was due to an illness, the other 2 times were due to severe depression. Each time I drank water, tea, lemon Gatorade, but didn't eat anything. When I could walk down stairs without pain it hits me! OMG I feel great! but then I get hungry, eat, and within hours, back to feeling terrible... what if it is IN something we eat? Or that we can't digest something well enough from taking antacids? Just a thought ;-)

Comic genius Richard Jeni has apparently commited suicide. Don't think he had CFS, but since he obviously suffered from depression, I thought it relevant here. This guy was just brilliant. For example, here are a few of his lines:

"My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a bitch."

On religious wars: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."

And the telling: "The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?"

You can read a tribute to him here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elayne-boosler/remembering-comedian-rich_b_43155.html

Richard Jeni also did Love songs...crawl in the tub and slit your wrists love songs.

And the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald...about healthcare insurance.
I always liked Jeni's willingness to approach the dark stuff. He'll be missed.

I don't think all suicides = depression. Some people rush into burning buildings. So people go to war. Some people go involuntarily because their bodies stop working. Some people just decide they're done being here.

Like they say, you can die in the stands, or you can die on the field. The first time I was sick with this, I sat in a chair for 2 years with a loaded pistol within arm's reach. Depression, but organically caused by untreated illness. I'm lucky to have survived it. None of us who got this far did it alone.

Today I'm on the field...because _I_ choose it. Slowly, sporadically, and miserably at times. But better this than see anyone go through that kind of hell ever again. So if I don't make it by any chance, please don't ever say I was depressed. Say I went to war against greedy insurers and slacker bureacrats over this illness and lost. We're very, very close now. It's almost a game of Beat the Clock. If you hang in, you WILL win.

It's been there even more so for me since I've been abandoned by everyone except my mother, who I talk to long distance several times a day. Not someone I can live with, though...so I'm on my own again, looking to move far away, to a better climate, because then, at least I'll have the sun and sand. Just don't know how I'm going to do it all alone. I wonder on an hourly basis what's the purpose of trying something else, because you'll just be alone there, too.

My youngest son committed suicide when he was 21, he had severe challenges that no one thought he could overcome. (That was 20 years ago.) I understand how you feel, have felt this way myself. I understood how Jeffrey felt...he is always in my heart. I would take all the pain I have had to have him still with us...with all his challenges. So....my personal thoughts about suicide are that I wouldn't wish to now. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel for all of us. Keep talking and writing. Jeffrey talked alot ..no one wanted to hear him.

I have thoght about suicide alot but what keeps me going is that there is still things I would love to do like ride a harley davidson lol. I am freeking out cause i cant keep a job i get so run down i will sleep for 2 days and lose another job for some reason i keep hanging in there

i agree with cathi518- i think about what if i wasn't here being a problem for my husband or inactive with my kids, but i have never thought about it really- how i would do it- my mom attempted suicide and it was so horrible painful for all of us. is is very selfish thing to do to the people who love you and there are people who love you. when it gets tough -i just tell myself that my job here is to do the best i can with my limitations to be positive and to bring positive to those in my life. you do really have alot to give and it sucks that is so much more diffitcult for you to "be" than others who are healthy- but remember you have that to give- give to those who are struggling too. when it gets too tough , i give ti to GOd. i just tell mim right now i can't handle this- please take it form me for now. and show me how you want me to go on. it will happen- you will find peace.

I've had suicidal thoughts since high school. But I never want to put my family throught the pain, plus I always have hope that things will get better. It may just be a glimmer of hope, but it keeps me going. Really, I am not sadist, I don't like the idea of physically hurting myself. Yet the thoughts are always there in the back of my mind. Sometimes they are whispers and sometimes they are shouting "end the pain now!" It's hard to tune them out. But then I think of my son, and what it would be like for him if he knew his mother died of suicide. Would he blame himself? I could never put him through it, so I say to myself "I can live through this pain, if not for myself, for my family."

There are days when I say I can't take it any more but I am so nosey that I couldn'commit suicde. I have FMS,CFS,chronic pain ,etc..... I know how you feel on those days. If you need to vent I am here. Take and stay safe my friend,Elenor

SUICIDE---Hmm, yep thought of it LOTS, is it a possibility NO NO NO!

I am a very positive Fighting Irish person. I refuse to let my maladies/syndromes win. I have a wonderful life but it is NOT my old life. Some ways it is a better life some ways not.

I am forever changed but by being forever changed, I have changed into a better person.

Who knows, whatever brought on the whatever may just disappear as suddenly as it began.

Diet plays a big part for me. Found out that certain things set me off. See, it's not about "surviving" but thinking outside the box and being pro-active.