Being honest with HER will help YOU. If you can't bring up your hard feelings that have developed try asking "can we not talk about work or our problems? Let's try to keep everything upbeat and fun during the holidays then we can hit it hard again after the holidays". The one thing I have learned with CFS is you have to be true to yourself because the mental baggage can and will run you down. By not clearing out difficult people and situations they will become toxic to your well being on all levels (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually). You have to recognize when something is no longer working for you and then address it.

And no, this isn't an easy task. I've had to do it myself recently in recognizing a relationship I have with a friend isn't working on a healthy level for me. Unfortunately my method of breaking away this time was very clumsy and messy... I guess it's just been a long time since I've had to make a choice like this, but I know it's for the better. Be true to yourself... it's crucial to your health. Good luck and Happy Happy Holidays.

Look at all these red flowers!!! Great question, Rose, and incredible response, RedDaisy ... her first two sentences say it all on actually HOW to deal with all this "out loud." I think internally there's a huge process involved in "letting go" but in the meantime you can head 'er off at the pass with dealing with the specific conversation.

I'm totally, totally, TOTALLY still learning about all of this!

Hi Rose. This is a hard one especially around the holidays. I try to look at people who are toxic as they are doing the best they can with what they have. This attitude helps me more then them. I also was able to develop a lot of tools to deal with situations like this through the 12 step program. One in particular has served me well over and over again. When someone says something totally dysfunctional I thank them for their input, being my teacher (actually teaching me how I don't want to be) or the information they are providing never saying thank you for your opinion. I chuckle at how well this works and how it defuses the situation. Another one I learned from a therapist. I would say something really off the wall and he would not respond in anyway. This made me think long and hard about my attitude and why I thought as I did and many times I was able to put two and two together and get to the bottom of why I thought like that. It was more effective than anything he could have said.

And as I have heard at 12 step meetings detach with love and if you cant detach with love detach period.

These paragraphs from the CFIDS.org article:

>Take some time before the holidays to evaluate your feelings about spending time with close family and friends. Ultimately, you will have to make a choice: are you willing to risk offending someone for the sake of self-preservation or the maintenance of boundaries? This can be especially difficult if you are trying to decide whether to spend the holidays with your caregiver(s) or those you care for.

Perhaps there are some compromises that can be made. Maybe there is a specific behavior or situation that is particularly bothersome but you still value the person and want to be with them. One way to address this would be to simply, yet compassionately say, "I'd like to spend some time with you over the holidays, but I'd rather you not drink (smoke, complain, wear perfume, etc.) when you are around me. I value you, but my condition makes it very difficult for me to be around that behavior."<

The first time I followed that was difficult. Then I realized, the people involved expected a sick person to make THEIR lives easier, when it should be the other way around.

Then it got reeeeeeeal EASY.

This is a tough one, even for ppl who are not ill. I know I've dealt with ppl accusing me of using my illness to guilt them out when I tried to set a limit, and it hurt. A LOT. But it made it easy for me to disengage.I was sad, but ultimately glad I pruned them out. :-)

If it's someone you don't know well or don't really care about, it's easy. Just avoid them and not care what they think. Obviously, in this case, you care. About her feelings and her opinion of you. I would echo what others here have said...either try and be directly honest and risk some negative fall out, or just limit your exposure, change the subject, etc when the topic of work comes up.She may not be aware of her impact on you. You know her so only you can decide what course of action would be best.

Sometimes being sick is a convenient way to say "sorry, I can only be here for one hour, I just get so tired." hehehehe

I hope it will work out for you.

*hugs*

Great question. I am about to be around my family for a few days during the holidays...I am really not sure how to handle it....My family of origin decided to celebrate two Christmases...both of which stress the heck out of me....So, given my health, I've decided to keep the 25th free of the family zaniness and just go to the event on the 29th for a few hours. This sounds simple but I feel huge guilt over this decision...but it takes me three days...minimum...to bounce back from a day with my brothers and sisters...Thanks for reminding me we all have toxic relationships which we need to set some boundaries around....our energy is just too precious and limited.....Good luck with your situtaion....wish I had some sage advice....You are not alone...

Oh how I wish this was possible.
Unfortunately for me I have many unhealthy people around me. The stress I can see is terrible for me. Having my grandaughter is hard enough but dealing with her mother and father and all the drama seen and hidden is getting to me. I really cant wait to see a therapist to unload.
I use to get to alanon to deal with these people in my life but I`am unable to get anywhere these days. I`am holding on and trying my best right now and really looking at trying to keep it simple and enjoy the day for the little one. After all isnt this what Christmas is for, children?
Wishing you all a way to weather your toxic family and friends.

Rosanne

it's very true i know when i stress out i seem to get sicker. I am glad i have the gf i have she is easy to get along with. My work environment is getting easier, I dont associate with people in constant drama. If people are being abusive towards me i just tell them to knock it off. Send them all a christmas card that's what I do.

I discovered I had been braught up in a Fundementalist Christian Family Cult three years before I was Diagnosed with CFS. My parents,and two sisters also got out but the Sister I was closest too is still in it. I still have a difficult relationship with my sister and all the 300 people I grew up with. I love them dearly but havnt been in contact with them for ten years now.
Is it the cause of CFS no is it a contributor yes. Yes strees induces many toxic products and it is important to minimise it with ME/CFS/CFIDS and Fibro.
Cheers
Ali5tair