So many on PEACE, are leaving the flock,, accepting what has happened and choosing to live again.. Today I am closer to that place as well... The past 2 mo have been hard,, Ive grieved, shook, had panic attacks, that have kept me home from work, forgetting to eat, almost catatonic staring at Dennis the Menace reruns,, lol,,, not a good place.. I dont know what triggered it,, maybe because it was another holiday, that I did not celebrate.. I dont know when i last have.. Maybe the realization that my dau has no more regard for me than my son, Or that my mother knowing I am alone,, chooses again to celebrate her holidays with my kids with no remorse or regard for me,, her only dau..Maybe a very long dark winter,,, Maybe God just had to let me go to sheol ,, to realize I need to get out of the whale and move on ... In reviewing just the last 2 days,, wow,, so much crap.. You all have shown me kindness, I dont get many kind words . and huggs,, well its been a long time,, and I have pulled away.. not feeling worthy of affection..I had forgotten so much,, it was just placed in a void, isnt that what God does with us?? When we repent, our sins are forgotten?? I know ive done that with my kids,,, I dont want to remember,, I want to enjoy the good,, it seems so brief now,, I want to take joy in that,, I did remember these last 2 days,, and it wasnt even scratching the surface,:, waiting in the rain for 2 hrs for the police to get my dau out of a bf 's house, cuz the parent wouldnt make her leave,, actually standing at the door with cold rain pouring down my face,looking in the window, seeing them all there sitting down ignoring me,, or howabout the house $$ being taken from me denying it as I was going into bankruptcy , trying to preserve the house... or my own mother locking her door in my face, I had always celebrated my kids starting school with getting them ready, and a card of blessings,, I had brought the card over,, not knowing if my son had school clothes,, they bought him clothes, "we dont need your money" mother says,, OMG,, the numbing shock and shame, fear, waking up after very few hours of sleep,, pushing myself upward to breathe,.. There is more,,but I cant remember it all,, but I dont want to,,but I have to learn from it,,, not that theyve repented or said Im sorry,, they havent,, tho I have,, and there has been no grace.. but I see a pattern of disregard for myself,, as u have all kindly pointed out.. I wouldnt put anyone thru this,, why would I? doesnt anyone deserve grace??? Yes , we punish the wicked,, God sure does,, but he also has grace and a sure willingness to forgive,, I picture him running to me, in my iniquity,, with arms open,, just saying " I love u and will give u strength." I was not a perfect parent,, and looking at the mess,, I wonder,, just how bad was I?? but the punishment I have gone thru so , so , so outwieghs any crime,, I sure we all are in that boat, because the ones who inflict pain,, dont question and grieve, they rationalize, not looking for healing and restoration. Everyone here , is not perfect, but u all are loving souls, the punishment you went thru so outweighs any shortcomings,, you didnt deserve it.. I hope everyone find some peace today, as for me,, I am singing that Doxology, all day as I clean Huggs Robin
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