I have a very heavy heart. I know I cannot do what I need to do without God. I have depressiona and alcohol problems. Its a vicious cycle, I get depressed drink then get depressed again. I use to be a very happy person. I had a very optomistic outlook on life. I want God to remove my defects. Sometimes I know the devil has such a hold on me that I think I need an excorsism. I have a 3 year old son that I love so much but then again I feel disconnected too. I think that is the depression. I don't abuse my son but then again I am not the mother I need to be when I am depressed or drinking. I live with my boyfriend but we have only been together for about 2 years and he doesn't understand that I haven't always been like this. He is not the father of my son. I know the first thing I have to do is stop drinking and keep a clear mind. I have anxieties and I think that a drink will calm me. I hate to be alone with myself. He drinks and I am always waiting on him to come home, he doesnt stay to late but I have horrible thoughts of what he is doing at the bar. So to pass the time until he comes home I drink. Then sometimes I drink because I got my hair cut or my son is at his dad's. I cannot seem to just be. He is 13 years older than me, I am 36. I know I need God in my life and I have asked him to be my savior but sometimes I feel I put other things before my God. I do not have any support from family, I feel very alone with these thoughts and problems. My boyfriend doesn't understand why I would be sad since I do not work and attend college full-time and he provides a wonderful home, etc for me and my son. I don't know why I just can't be happy anymore. Please pray that God will take the alocohol cravings out of me and I think that things will get better for me. I am so scared.
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