My illness gets in the way with my relationship with God im tired of the way i am.Let me see if i can tell you without confusing you.First i don't want to have what i have it's toture 24/7 (illness).The relationship i have with God is gone b/c of me not him.I allow my illness to dictate the relationship.If im good then im okay with God but when things get bad i get mad at God.It's like this, im just in it for the better and not the worse.I wish i could just LOVE him no matter how bad things get and TRUST him no matter how bad things get.Im so tried of struggling with this.Please don't tell me i suffer for a reason. I have had so many people tell me that.I can't see how god would like to see me suffer that makes no sense to me.Im to my wits end with this im tired of going back and forth with this.I have all the knowledge of the bible and God but for some reason that doesn't phase me a bit.I act different around my family b/c i don't want to lead them down the path i am on of doubt and unbelief.My husband,daughter and son have faith in god.I see how they just trust god.I joined the christian fellow to see if being on the site and reading what God does for people would some how encourage me to seek God again,but i feel like im fighting myself if that makes any sense.I am going thur the deliverence but i feel like there is something so big that stands in the way and i think that something is ME. Even though i closed the door on God he is still there.I have been suicidle for about 2yrs i finally got tried of living with this illness and it causing so much grief in my family where they see me suffer.So i planed my death and wrote my good bye letters and started getting rid of all my stuff and told my husband about it. I told him about it just so that he would know there was nothing he could have done different and not to blame himself.Well one day my illness was acting up real bad.I said 'God im in trouble' and he knew what i meant.I was crying and the phone rang and it said "out of area" i never answer those calls cause i don't know who they are for some reason i answered it and it was my christian freind she could tell that i was crying so i started to talk to her and for some reason i told her about my plan i don't know why i told her only my husband and mom were suppose to know.well any way she called her freind and they came over that night to pray for me and to tell me about the delierence so i agreed to go to it. Wed is my last day.If my friends number would have shown up i would not have answered it i would have let it go to voice mail. A part of me wants God and the other part wants nothing to do with him.I can't live like that.Im tired of living like that.when i use too pray and talk to him he would always give me revelation about my self,but then b/c of my illness and anger i let that take over.Ican pray over my husband and children i can help my husband with the bible,but when it comes to me it's different.My anger is from him not healing me.And what worse is that i know what im doing is wrong.I know the word,but i don't put it to use.So can anyone give me any advice don't hold nothing back.I need to get over this hurdle. I need to get to the point where im with God no matter what happens in my life.
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