It will always hurt that they don't get what they need from their Mom. My Mom dumped us kids as teenagers after my parents divorce and it was hell. Even though I have more empathy for her now & am reconciled, the damage from that never really heals completely.

I have a similar problem now with my separation and my daughter's Dad. He just doesn't "get it" how much it hurts DD not to be able to spend time with him. However from my own experience with my parents divorce and what I've read about parenting through divorce. It just does more damage to tell the children that it is the absent parent rejecting them. My parents used to badmouth each other for years and just made it so much worse for us kids. It breaks my heart, as you said, to see my daughter hurting when she can't see her Dad. It's so hard when she asks why? I don't invent excuses or baldly tell the truth that he won't see her, but just reassure that Daddy still loves her and that she is secure with me. Maybe I use what he says, that he's busy or working etc. She's not dumb. She knows it's his choice (and she's only 5). It still hurts, but I can't fix that. Even though it makes me sad & angry, I almost pity stbx because someday I believe he's going to understand what he's giving up so casually.

I focus on providing the most secure home and constant example of love for her to fall back on. That is probably the best thing you can do for your stepkids: continue to give them a secure loving home and parents. When they get older they will understand and appreciate that more than you know.

"Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce" by Gary M. Neuman is a good book & might help. I think there are also good ones out there on step parenting.

Hugs,
Dee

duenoth is right...it hurts and it never will stop hurting..im 17 and jeff(notice i dont call him dad) left over 11 years ago and even at this moment it still hurts to think that he left me for no reason at all despite my efforts to make him stay...they will eventually will get use to it and bottle it up or wht ever it is they do with it but for now there is almost nothing you can do to help...because kids dont like to be told something as hard as the truth and they dont want to be lied to but i can say you can try to reasure them of their mothers love because thats wht they want to hear even if not from you.

Thanks for your responses. I will check out that book.
My SO also came from a divorced family where there was a lot of bad-mouthing and we discussed why and how that can be terrible for the kids, so we never bad mouth the kids mom or tell them the truth about why she left. We always try to reassure them that we all love them very much. When they ask us we usually just tell them that their parents had grown apart and couldn't be married anymore. Never that it had anything to do with them. Sometimes they ask questions only she can answer and we direct them to her but I think they are afraid to ask her because they continue to question us. One of the BIG questions is why don't we live with mom? They point out how 'most' kids of divorce live with their mother and why can't they? It's a good question and I can't give them a good answer. The truth is she doesn't want them full time. If we told them a lie they'd know. Kids are smart and they'd see thru some made up story. Usually their Dad says something like, "you're mom is busy with school (she was for a few months) and wouldn't be able to watch you all the time." Unfortunately, I think that might give them false hope that someday they can live with her. Perhaps one day she'll stop being so selfish and realize what she gave up, but knowing her I doubt it.

Going back to my original question, will they ever get to a point where they accept the situation or will it always be so upsetting for them when they leave her? I know they are dealing with a loss of a loved one (not unlike a death) but eventually people get over death. I think this is harder because the person had a choice.

Could part of the upset be an expression of insecurity that they fear maybe the visits with Mom will stop like before when they didn't see her? Do they cry when actually at Mom's during the leave taking or just afterwards to your SO?

It's been 9 mths and my DD has always seemed okay about coming back to me. In fact she'd be laughing and act really happy when hugging her Dad good-bye, but used to then get upset later that day or at night and cry about missing her Dad or after a very fussy resistant bedtime finally tell me sometime that she overheard or was worried about from the visit. I think just the stress of the visits bringing up insecurities was the main issue with her. She has gotten much better with that and I think used to the separation, although she still tends to get more emotional after a visit. I also read that kids will cry/act out/relieve stress more on the parent that they feel the most secure with in their love, so (unfairly) they are on better behavior with the parent that they feel unsure of and vent to the one they live with.

But yes, especially if you and SO can help them feel more secure in the regularity, if not length of visits, then I think the homecomings will get easier.

Hugs,
Dee

That's an interesting point. Up until about recently the youngest used to cry uncontrollably in front of BM when leaving her and cling to her with a death grip. It was a heart wrenching sight to see but usually BM would just glare at my SO and he would have to pry her out of her mom's arms. (I found it odd that instead of comforting her daughter, BM would just seem to get annoyed) A while back I overheard BM tell the little one firmly when she started to pout, "what did mommy tell you? no crying. mommy will call you tomorrow, okay baby?" Now they don't seem to cry in front of their mom but once they're in the car or home with us they start crying and saying how much they miss their mom.

I never thought it had anything to do with them feeling comfortable expressing themselves in front of us, or that they felt unsure of their relationship with their BM. But that would make sense. We never tell them not to cry. We tell them we understand they miss their mom and want to see her more. We also let them know that anytime they want to call her they can. My SO even suggested to BM that she get a webcam for her computer so the kids can see her when they call. So far she hasn't done it.

When BM wasn't visiting them regularly the kids would always ask "when are we going to see mom again?" They'd even ask her but she'd dodge their questions.

We got sick and tired of waiting for BM to call (at the last minute) when she wanted the kids. So about 3 months ago we decided we would just plan our lives and if she wanted them at that time, too bad, she'd have to learn to plan in advance. There were 2 incidents when BM called and my SO said the kids had other plans. She ranted for a while about how she was their mother and should get first choice, but my SO told her he refused to have the kids miss out of parties, camping trips, etc., waiting for her to call. BM finally agreed to 2x a month and we started marking the dates on our family calendar BIG and BOLD so the kids could see it and have something to look forward to. I thought knowing they were going to see her in 2 weeks would help them get thru the tearful homecomings, but so far it hasn't.

Like the others on here said...it will never stop hurting. I remember crying my eyes out evertime I had to leave my father's when I was young...even though my situation is a little different know, but still. It hurt and as much as I try to forget about it...the hurt is still there.
I think that they will get used to leaving her house...jus give it time. As kids it's really confusing to not have both parents living in the same house...knowing the truth hurts and I don't think they are old enough to understand the truth yet.

Well i was about 8 when my parents split up so of a similar age to your step kids, we stayed with my mum most of the time and seen my dad once a month or so for the first year. It killed me to leave my mum to go see him, i felt awful for leaving her herself, maybe this is why? they could be feeling guilty for not seeing her enough and even though its not their fault i think their too young to understand it now. However 8 years on and its much easier to split time between my parents so yes i do believe it will get easier, time and age will help them understand the situation more. Just be the best step mum you can to them, you really cant do more than that, good luck!