
Children Of Divorced Parents Support Group
This community is for the children of divorce, both for adult children who have lived through a divorce as well as parents concerned about the effects of divorce on their children. Share your story and get advice in this support group, where there are others going through similar challenges.

deleted_user
Hello, I am a new stepmom to 2 children ages 11 & 7. Their mother left them over 2 years ago and at first they didn't see her very much or regularly, but in the past 6 months or so their visits have become more regular. They now see their mom 2 weekends every month.
I am concerned about the children because whenever my SO goes to pick up the children they start crying and carrying on about how much they miss their mom and how 2 days every two weeks isn't enough time. Both of us (my SO and I) feel terribly about this. We agree its not much time, but there's nothing we can do about it. She doesn't want to see them anymore than that.
Now this may seem like an ignorant statement, but I didn't grow up in a divorced family so I can't truly understand how it feels to be a small child and have your mom walk out of your life. People are constantly telling me/us that 'children are resiliant' and they will adjust, but it tears my heart out to see them in so much pain and so distraught when they leave their moms ever other week. Is this something they will ever get used to or be able to accept? They're mom has effectively been away for over 2 years now.
Thanks for your comments/thoughts.
I am concerned about the children because whenever my SO goes to pick up the children they start crying and carrying on about how much they miss their mom and how 2 days every two weeks isn't enough time. Both of us (my SO and I) feel terribly about this. We agree its not much time, but there's nothing we can do about it. She doesn't want to see them anymore than that.
Now this may seem like an ignorant statement, but I didn't grow up in a divorced family so I can't truly understand how it feels to be a small child and have your mom walk out of your life. People are constantly telling me/us that 'children are resiliant' and they will adjust, but it tears my heart out to see them in so much pain and so distraught when they leave their moms ever other week. Is this something they will ever get used to or be able to accept? They're mom has effectively been away for over 2 years now.
Thanks for your comments/thoughts.
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I have a similar problem now with my separation and my daughter's Dad. He just doesn't "get it" how much it hurts DD not to be able to spend time with him. However from my own experience with my parents divorce and what I've read about parenting through divorce. It just does more damage to tell the children that it is the absent parent rejecting them. My parents used to badmouth each other for years and just made it so much worse for us kids. It breaks my heart, as you said, to see my daughter hurting when she can't see her Dad. It's so hard when she asks why? I don't invent excuses or baldly tell the truth that he won't see her, but just reassure that Daddy still loves her and that she is secure with me. Maybe I use what he says, that he's busy or working etc. She's not dumb. She knows it's his choice (and she's only 5). It still hurts, but I can't fix that. Even though it makes me sad & angry, I almost pity stbx because someday I believe he's going to understand what he's giving up so casually.
I focus on providing the most secure home and constant example of love for her to fall back on. That is probably the best thing you can do for your stepkids: continue to give them a secure loving home and parents. When they get older they will understand and appreciate that more than you know.
"Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce" by Gary M. Neuman is a good book & might help. I think there are also good ones out there on step parenting.
Hugs,
Dee
My SO also came from a divorced family where there was a lot of bad-mouthing and we discussed why and how that can be terrible for the kids, so we never bad mouth the kids mom or tell them the truth about why she left. We always try to reassure them that we all love them very much. When they ask us we usually just tell them that their parents had grown apart and couldn't be married anymore. Never that it had anything to do with them. Sometimes they ask questions only she can answer and we direct them to her but I think they are afraid to ask her because they continue to question us. One of the BIG questions is why don't we live with mom? They point out how 'most' kids of divorce live with their mother and why can't they? It's a good question and I can't give them a good answer. The truth is she doesn't want them full time. If we told them a lie they'd know. Kids are smart and they'd see thru some made up story. Usually their Dad says something like, "you're mom is busy with school (she was for a few months) and wouldn't be able to watch you all the time." Unfortunately, I think that might give them false hope that someday they can live with her. Perhaps one day she'll stop being so selfish and realize what she gave up, but knowing her I doubt it.
Going back to my original question, will they ever get to a point where they accept the situation or will it always be so upsetting for them when they leave her? I know they are dealing with a loss of a loved one (not unlike a death) but eventually people get over death. I think this is harder because the person had a choice.
It's been 9 mths and my DD has always seemed okay about coming back to me. In fact she'd be laughing and act really happy when hugging her Dad good-bye, but used to then get upset later that day or at night and cry about missing her Dad or after a very fussy resistant bedtime finally tell me sometime that she overheard or was worried about from the visit. I think just the stress of the visits bringing up insecurities was the main issue with her. She has gotten much better with that and I think used to the separation, although she still tends to get more emotional after a visit. I also read that kids will cry/act out/relieve stress more on the parent that they feel the most secure with in their love, so (unfairly) they are on better behavior with the parent that they feel unsure of and vent to the one they live with.
But yes, especially if you and SO can help them feel more secure in the regularity, if not length of visits, then I think the homecomings will get easier.
Hugs,
Dee
I never thought it had anything to do with them feeling comfortable expressing themselves in front of us, or that they felt unsure of their relationship with their BM. But that would make sense. We never tell them not to cry. We tell them we understand they miss their mom and want to see her more. We also let them know that anytime they want to call her they can. My SO even suggested to BM that she get a webcam for her computer so the kids can see her when they call. So far she hasn't done it.
When BM wasn't visiting them regularly the kids would always ask "when are we going to see mom again?" They'd even ask her but she'd dodge their questions.
We got sick and tired of waiting for BM to call (at the last minute) when she wanted the kids. So about 3 months ago we decided we would just plan our lives and if she wanted them at that time, too bad, she'd have to learn to plan in advance. There were 2 incidents when BM called and my SO said the kids had other plans. She ranted for a while about how she was their mother and should get first choice, but my SO told her he refused to have the kids miss out of parties, camping trips, etc., waiting for her to call. BM finally agreed to 2x a month and we started marking the dates on our family calendar BIG and BOLD so the kids could see it and have something to look forward to. I thought knowing they were going to see her in 2 weeks would help them get thru the tearful homecomings, but so far it hasn't.
I think that they will get used to leaving her house...jus give it time. As kids it's really confusing to not have both parents living in the same house...knowing the truth hurts and I don't think they are old enough to understand the truth yet.