Oh, that is tough. I have a friend that is going through pretty much the same with a 13 year old, and all I can tell him is to keep being supportive.

Your daughter is 15, right? So she is plenty old enough to make informed decisions. Suggest that she make a pro and con list to help sort things out. If she is worried about finding work or transportation to work, make suggestions on how she could accomplish the same without moving. The first thing that comes to my mind is babysitting. I would LOVE to have some 16 year old agree to watch my kids in my home over the summer. I bet she could find someone to babysit for there, too.

Just try to help her look at all angles and help her figure out what is worse - saying NO to dad or being there for several weeks? Ask her what advice she would give her brother if he was in her place.

Last but not least, tell her that whatever she decides, your door is always open to her.

Good luck!
tx

You are so in tune! "Ask her what advice she would give her brother if he was in her place." I will go do that right now! Thanks!

Yes, I'm with both of you on this. If your daughter wouldn't recommend her brother spending any more time there, then what makes it different for her? She may think, a job for one, curiosity about her father, possibly the enjoyment of being in a different location, with the freedom of $$ and the newness of it all.

But, with my ex, there's always an ulterior motive or two - that's money and control. He takes 1/2 of all babysitting money and they have to take care of everything else by themselves with their meager earnings - tampons, deodorant, clothing and I mean essentials by this, and shop for groceries for him when he's tired of spending his own money. So, I'm very leery about this, particularly because you have a motion in court for child support.

I like the idea of a checklist of pros and cons. And how about a category for "I just don't know the outcome of this or that?" Or, you can teach her a cost benefit analysis, which is similar. What does it cost to do this (financial, emotional, etc.) and what benefits are derived (same thing) and what is the outcome, or analysis?

Make your own list or things that are unknown:
research the internet for jobs in her father's geographic area
craig's list can be helpful here
does she know anyone else there?
Will she have access to a car?
Will she be in control of what she earns?
Will her brother come to visit when she's there?
Will there be talk about staying there for school?

Glinda, I have some idea of what you've been through with this man and I'm certainly happy that you have a good lawyer. Have you asked him about this? Spending an entire summer vacation may become a precedent for the future in your ex's eyes. He might even be confidant enough to state that in court, asking for a suspension of child support while she's with him.

My Ex has done all of that and more. He continues to find ways to bring me to court, rather randomly, but really calculated in his own plan, on how to break me and the children emotionally and financially.

Don't mean to be bleak here, but he may give her a wild ride of a honeymoon in order to switch things in his direction. Money is such a motivator with custody shared with an abuser.

So, I say, dot your i's and cross your t's, while allowing your daughter to make a decision for the summer.

As background of my own situation, my ex will play favorites with or against anyone so that he continually has them off kilter. For instance, my 16 year old wanted to do a week long volunteer trip which cost $1000.00. My daughter had earned 500 of this and wanted to borrow the other half from both of us. We both agreed. But then, at the last minute, when she reported his abuse at school, he withdrew his agreement, told her that her use of the word abuse "cost him $$$", he rescinded agreement , withheld his signature for travel, and tried to get the whole group to drop the trip because of technicalities. Very stressful.

But, just tonight, he's telling my 14 year old that he'll completely fund a volunteer trip out of the country for her this summer, and she's not even sure if she'd feel comfortable going to Mexico by herself (and neither am I)

So, just try to cover all the bases on major things that he could very well screw up. I'm all for parental bonding, but in my case, there's always some catch.

What if she says she just really wants to think about it. You might get some inkling of the pressure if she expresses doubt, but review the pros and cons first. And definitely review the options for her summer should she remain at home with you.

Best on this, RB

Sorry, but one more thing: Is there a possibility that the two children will spend the summer with him? (Your child support order for you son is dependent on where he spends the summer?)
Well, if he has the two of them, then maybe he'll defer your order to the end of August. I think he could do that because he's be housing them.

If your daughter felt pressured, then there's a reason why. Every time I ignored my own gut feelings about my ex husband's approach to something, giving him the benefit of the doubt and believing in flexibility, I ended up with a problem I couldn't solve.

I'm afraid that I might be too harsh about this, but I don't want all of you in a vulnerable place. Have lots of talks with your daughter in a relaxed atmosphere to weigh out the options. It's only February and at least you have some time.

I'm so glad for my friends! You are such analytics! Like me! Thank you for adding to my list of questions to present to her.

My daughter stated last night that she decided to spend the summer with her father, end of discussion. We have been so close, and I feel a sudden rift between us. It hurts!

Yup, RB, you and I married similar men who toy with us emotionally and financially. No, RB, I did not perceive ANY harshness from you. Yes, we have lots of time before summer. I think her father made 3 mistakes: 1. she has so much time to think about this decision. 2. he has isolated her from all the friends she had up there. She is a social butterfly! 3. he told her she won't have any allowance and he'll pay for everything. She loves to earn and spend money!

Okay, you are very strong and a great mother. Maybe she will changer her mind or maybe one summer will give her more information on how it is to step into her father's life.

My oldest daughter is starting to look at colleges with me. One thing she's sure of is that she wants to be far enough away from her father so that she can have some freedom. Now, I don't want her commuting, but taking a college far away means far away from me, too.

But, I innocently started suggesting places like Europe, Oregon and Washington and then she flipped out, becoming very frightened of taking a huge leap just to get away from him. So, kids can go back and forth on this and we must let them, in order to get their footing. So, things will work out either way.

Also, I've found that my ex is so competitive and intimidated by my closeness to the children that he limits their ability to even call me when they are with him. And, this has backfired on him, too, as I represent freedom and integrity when he does these things.

So, I'll be thinking of your daughter who has the best facilitator for growth - her mama! RB

She's a pretty big girl now. I'd do all of the things that you've been advised to do here but then I'd make it clear its her choice.

I would also make sure she understands that this experiment must last long enough to be an effective experiment. All summer. No coming home early just because things are not working out. This is not punishment just making sure she doesn't think she can bounce back and forth.

Kids are not stupid. Once she sees she's being manipulated for child support purposes, if indeed that's what is going on, she'll lose respect for her father and come home. Summer is a few months away she may figure that out before she even goes.

You've done your best to raise an adult and it may be time to let her spread her wings a little. This may be a good half-step into the world that isn't as protected as you'd like it to be but is better than the one she'll face when she's out of high school.

After she's considered all the pros and cons let her make the decision. It's tough, especially for a mother but its time to let her to make a decision and learn if its a mistake. It may not be as bad as you imagine.

RB, I LOVE your statement, "kids can go back and forth on this and we must let them, in order to get their footing". That is so true. I'm sure I will see this between now and summer.

My oldest daughter made the choice to go to a college in a place that her father never visits ...and which is closer to me than him. She graduates this Spring. He has never visited her. She marries this Spring. Rumor has it that he won't be there though he hasn't told her so.

RB, I, too, think of myself as one who easily "represents freedom and integrity" especially in contrast to my X who manipulates and lies and steals. However, my husband and I woke up this morning to the realization that my daughter will have more freedom up there than here: they leave the kids alone at home for days at a time often. With my disability, she is almost never home alone.

Thanks for supporting my view of myself as a unique facilitator for her growth.

OC, thanks for stopping by. I really appreciate it.

I hadn't thought of telling her she can't come back any time she wants. When she presented the situation to me Sunday night, she did state with certainty that going was a safe idea because she can always come home any time she wants to... Then I thought of ping-pong teens...

One interesting thing came back to me from Sunday night: she looked for the letter that her older sister sent to the judge, the law guardian, and my lawyer when I was seeking physical custody of her and her brother. The letter gave details about the abuse there. I see that as an indication that she isn't as decided as she said she was last night.

I just want to make the most of every moment that I have with her.

Part of the anger I'm dealing with is how her father is f***ing with her head. Sunday night she told me all sorts of things that she told her dad about what it's like to live here. They were all gross exaggerations! I just listened and said nothing at the time.

All you can do is be MOM. He is probably trying to lure her in with promises he won't be able to keep. Remember something, you'll always be her Mom, no matter what. At her age she will be comparing you to this other woman and don't worry, you'll always be number one. It's very difficult emotionally but if she should decide that she wants to be with her father, there really isn't much to do about it unless he is abusive in any way. Of course it's about the child support. He will probably tell her that he will spend the money on her if she moves in with him,no doubt. Some people who have to pay child support, will do just about anything to not pay. Your daughter may be a little confused for a bit but she will figure it out. Maybe you should suggest that she spend a few months with dad and his wife and talk about it after that.Whatever her decision is she will look upon you in a positive light if you stay supportive and not threatened. She doesn't understand the money part of it yet. She will remember how you handled all of this though. Please try not to be hurt or threatened unless you feel that it would be damaging to her in any way. If you do, fight to keep her with you. You'll need a lawyer for this. You may have to let go for a little bit, mom. As txtwinmom stated, you must always keep your door opened for her not matter the decision she makes.

zowie, thanks for your comment. Yes, he has a long history of abuse. I was raised in an abusive household, so I have been amazed as I discovered over the years the definitions of abuse.

I know I"ll always be the #1 Mom for all three of my kids; their step mother makes very little effort to be kind to them. She is quite abusive to them.

Today my lawyer had a wonderful way of telling the court that my X has been excessively and unduly pressuring my kids to live with him since I filed the petition. The court appointed a law guardian for my kids even though my son who is involved is nearly 19. He can't stand up to his Dad, even though the court said that my son was old enough to do what he wants to do.

In the meantime, I'm holding my ground on house rules, though my kids have been challenging them. I'm also holding my ground on acceptable behavior, though my daughter has been brattier than in many months.

Hi Glinda,
As a child od divorce, I would agree to whatever I thought my mother wanted. So for years, I visited my dad and just made heroic efforts to get through the summer. The moment I could find a pretext not to go, it was over.
Even teens try to appease parents. So at the very least, in a non-pressuring way, let her know what you think. Do not refrain from telling her. If you think it is going to be a bad situation, say that. and why. But leave the decision up to her and tell her you will support her, whatever she decides.
Leaving teens alone for days on end in a recipe for disaster, especially if she is used to being with you a lot. There is loneliness, peer pressure, being vulnerable to predators, etc. I hope she stays with you. This whole, let them see the other parent no matter what, theory, is wrong, in my opinion.

Thanks, Thriver for your vote of support. You have such a sweet heart.

Friday my daughter stayed home from school sick. After a little talking, I realized it was because she was anxious about the summer. I helped her sort it out by doing the good old T chart. We made one page a list of the reasons why she would want to spend the summer with her Dad. A second page listed the reasons she would want to stay here for the summer. I pointed out reasons to spend the summer with her father that she hadn't thought of (I need to be really careful of not influencing her since this has been an issue I have repeatedly accused her father of). I also asked her questions to help her come up with advantages for both places. I went through the basic categories: food, clothing, shelter, education, medical and personal development. This exercise really energized her. She was up and around in minutes! I was silently pleased when she exclaimed that she really didn't want to spend the whole summer with him, and that he would have to get her a job for her to consider living up there.

We talked about the issue of being left alone at home. She said that her father and his wife don't trust her to be home alone. I doubted that, pointing out that they leave her younger stepbrother home alone for hours at a time and all day. She said they might trust him more than her, though she realized that that was unlikely. She said she expected me to leave her home alone this summer when I do my various things away from home. She pointed out how much time I do spend away from home, though not all day, or even more than 1/2 a day. Besides, I take her with me or make sure she has a safe place to go at those times when they are during school breaks.

Thriver, my daughter will never do what I want her to just because I want her to. She has a mind of her own...at my house. When she and her brother try to get out of visitation with her father, he harasses them, bullies them, makes them explain in detail, puts guilt trips on them, tells them how much he misses them and on and on and on. They saw him alienate their older sister 3 years ago when she refused to do as he demanded, on a very small scale. That scared them. They are still trying to figure out whose fault it was: hers or his.

My kids know that I am always here for them no matter how they treat me, no matter how much they neglect me, no matter how they behave. They know I will always be glad to hear from them and will always be kind to them. (They also know that I have rules and enforce them.)

I so appreciate everyone's care and input. Thank you!

If it was my kids and my ex dicated what my kids did with their money I would back the court and tell the judge what he is doing. He just wants your daughter to live with you hoping that he doesn't have to pay child support while she is there the whole summer. Where I live in California I still get paid the money even when they were with their dad the whole summer. He just wants to be in control of the sitution still. That is how my ex is because he has to have control on everything.

If it was my kids and my ex dicated what my kids did with their money I would back the court and tell the judge what he is doing. He just wants your daughter to live with you hoping that he doesn't have to pay child support while she is there the whole summer. Where I live in California I still get paid the money even when they were with their dad the whole summer. He just wants to be in control of the sitution still. That is how my ex is because he has to have control on everything.