Child Abuse Survivors Community Group
This group's primary focus is physical and/or emotional child abuse: our memories, how it's affected us as adults, how we've survived, etc.
There is a 15 year old girl I am in contact with for a little while through my work. I have also met her mother as many times and she is one mean, conrolling, changeable, scary woman. And I am not the girl ! I am not even sure how sane the woman is, but maybe she is "just" a narcissist ?
The girl has been defying her mother and has also been running away (just to stay with friends). I can understand why, but it is like trying to defy a bully with a gun pointed at you. She has also become defiant at school on a few occasions. The mother is a very good at blame and at getting "expert" support in diagnosing her daughter with relavant psychiatric categories. I am wondering why they have done this as it does not add up. Somehow the mother has convinced people her daughter has no empathy or remorse and that she perversely refuses to be friendly with her mother. I am not at all convinced myself as it is glaringly obvious to me, from meeting and talking her, that the mother is a dreadful woman. I think she is the most dreadful person I have ever met and she intimidates me and I am afraid she will do something against me if I cross her. I do not usually feel this about people I meet.
I will not be seeing the girl for much longer. I am actually glad as it means I will no longer see her mother and have to cope with her demandingness and intrusions. But I am concerned about the girl.
I do not feel I have to do more than I can and I am not codependant. But I am seriously worried about the girl because of how her mother treats her. The mother is brutally critical; absolutely controlling; and thinks she is totally right and should decide what happens in everything. The girl is not allowed to do much at all. She gets no pocket money and even has to use her mother's library card. Any money she gets goes in her mother's bank account (she does not have one of her own as the mother won't allow it). She is not allowed to use the internet.
Any advice?
The girl has been defying her mother and has also been running away (just to stay with friends). I can understand why, but it is like trying to defy a bully with a gun pointed at you. She has also become defiant at school on a few occasions. The mother is a very good at blame and at getting "expert" support in diagnosing her daughter with relavant psychiatric categories. I am wondering why they have done this as it does not add up. Somehow the mother has convinced people her daughter has no empathy or remorse and that she perversely refuses to be friendly with her mother. I am not at all convinced myself as it is glaringly obvious to me, from meeting and talking her, that the mother is a dreadful woman. I think she is the most dreadful person I have ever met and she intimidates me and I am afraid she will do something against me if I cross her. I do not usually feel this about people I meet.
I will not be seeing the girl for much longer. I am actually glad as it means I will no longer see her mother and have to cope with her demandingness and intrusions. But I am concerned about the girl.
I do not feel I have to do more than I can and I am not codependant. But I am seriously worried about the girl because of how her mother treats her. The mother is brutally critical; absolutely controlling; and thinks she is totally right and should decide what happens in everything. The girl is not allowed to do much at all. She gets no pocket money and even has to use her mother's library card. Any money she gets goes in her mother's bank account (she does not have one of her own as the mother won't allow it). She is not allowed to use the internet.
Any advice?
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I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
I was thinking that too. I will do what I can but there is so much I can't do.
If I think I need to, I will report the situation but I think I'd be acting prematurely if I do that right now. I'll be "watching" carefully and with concern though.
I did make a very careful and general comment to the mother about the importance of teenagers getting their own bank accounts, knowing this girl doesn't have hers (and which I find amazing). And the mother really flared up. Kaboom !!! I thought that was amazing too. And I quickly dropped the subject. The mother is very touchy and doesn't have an open mind, with anybody. And she is very controlling with anybody; a real power freak.
The mother intimidates me a lot and I know that is because of how she treats ME and because I know she is a psychologizer and blamer - aagh ! The poor girl! When the girl crosses her, the mother blames her and sticks psychological labels on her and tries to get everybody to agree. She won't get me to do that and I have already said, eventually, that I don't see the thinks she sees in her daughter, eg, Ooopositional Defiant Disorder and she keeps saying her daughter doesn't show "remorse and empathy". I think that means the daughter stands up to her. As soon as she can, I know that girl will leave home. The woman is lethal !!! I think I'll be safer if I say as little as possible to her but I am trying to make sure I do that for the right reasons.
The woman doesn't respect me either. A challenge to me is getting her to go when she visits. I guess I'll have to be firmer.
I thought of breaking all contact, using an excuse. But I was just thinking of myself because the woman scares me. I know from my own life that it can help somebody who is being abused so much if somebody reaches out a little and encourages them. I don't know how much I can do but I can't just walk away thinking only of myself. But I don't see myself around them for long.
Thanks for the "Good luck". I found that heartening. I see them again tomorrow.
Have you made any more progress?
Yes, it turned out as ok as it could.
The mother tried bullying me, but I stayed polite and next time I politely refused but firmly to agree with something she wanted me to agree with. That basically got her off MY back but I wasn't thinking it would. I was scared but I refused to be intimidated. She was civil to me after that.
And I think I helped the girl by treating her ok; saying things that showed I had a good opinion of her; taking an interest; being helpful when I could; and sticking my neck out a few times and basically telling her some ways I had a completely different opinion to her mother's. Oh, and I had some great art books a daughter of mine no longer wanted and I gave them to her (and told her mother I did). The girl lovs drawing.
They are gone, now but hopefully my bit helped the girl. And I am relieved the mother didn't do something "dreadful" to me.
I'm sure that the attention has helped her through this difficult time.
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