Having a moment. Don't want to lead anything. Do want to 'be'. Really unhappy. I was triggered today. Someone told me that I scare them with what I don't know [because I'm 45 and should know better]. Know what? I'm so sick of this. I'm so sick of some mysterious thing being wrong with me - apparently it has something to do with me being like a little girl, but no one will go into specifics. I'm just tired of this shit.
Tired of people telling me they feel like they have to take care of me, when I've never said they have to. And according to them there's some thing I'm doing to prompt them to do this but they won't tell me what it is. You're all reading from someone who would rather live in a card board box rather than be enmeshed with someone especially after the last few years. A friend said she wanted some help getting around but she won't do anything to go out to where she needs to go putting the blame on me - my schedule, my this, my that. And then she goes on and on about how she takes care of everything and the burden is on her. I make sure I'm out of the house everyday. I make sure to clean up after myself. If she has a complaint I deal with her yelling at me or being sarcastic AND I make the change she expects. I keep looking for work and as much as it pisses me off, I went on public assistance so I'm also doing WEP. When I'm home I try to stay out of her way. For the last time I asked her to make arrangements for the doctor and she won't and some how in her head this is something to do with me. I told her that I would make arrangements to be available but she doesn't want to chance me missing suddenly getting a gig where I'll make a fortune. And then I can hear the resentment. More later.