I am a cheater. I have been since I was 16 years old. I have never ended a relationship without cheating. I am getting married in a month and I have just cheated with a mutual friend. My future H knows and we are trying to rebuild our relationship. What plagues me is that I can't figure out what it is that drives me to cheat or why I can't stop it. I'm not particularly sexual, so the sex doesn't attract me. I do miss my F a lot because we work and go to school on opposite schedules, and perhaps this is what drove me to our friend. The OM and I have had a sexual tension for years, and perhaps this extra stress of work, school, wedding planning, and never seeing my F drove it into sharp reality. I keep saying that I wanted to get him out of my system, but I'm afraid that had we never gotten caught, he would have never gotten out. I've never reached out for support like this, so I'm a little uncomfortable and unsure as to what the protocol is for talking about these things, but I would like to hear from some other cheaters so that I can try to get a grasp on my reasons for cheating and try to alter them. My biggest fear is that I will be unable to change myself. Should I seek professional help? Am I an addict? Is there a way for me to change? Is pure will enough? Do I actually have enough pure will to fight this off? I honestly love my F because of all that he does and put up with for me. He supports me and loves me no matter what. He has asked me to consider whether or not I actually want to marry him and whether or not our relationship is worth changing myself. The answer to these questions is yes, but I'm afraid that I won't be able to change myself. Does that mean the answer is actually no? Please share any advice you have.
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