It wasnt that I didnt love my husband....I am figuring out that deep down inside I didnt love MYSELF.... and once i made the disgusting mistake once, i let myself lose control because I lost any and all respect I had for myself.... I let myself be manipulated by the OM instead of doing what i should have done in the first place and telling him to eat shit and leave me alone, stay away from me.... which i wish i had done in the first place.... i let a weak side of me have control over the smart woman i really am. All choice, all bad ones.....figuring out in counseling that it relates to my awful relationships before my marriage and my unhealthy relationships with men before my husband (including being raped at 14 by someone who told me he loved me while I cried...) my OM was 15 years older than me, my boss, the whole thing i am seeing was maybe me reverting to being the weak person that i hid inside of myself for so long.....i wish i could have worked through my issues and really understood them before I betrayed my wonderful husband and myself, not to mention the OM's wife. I hope that I can gain some true, indestructable independence through this experience and that I can give those lessons to my son. I will not let the weak part of me win again, but to do that i have to keep on going to counseling and shift it from how i fix my marriage and heal my husband to how to heal myself first....because i cant be a good wife or mother until i can be good to MYSELF. I am learning the idfference between being selfish and taking care of myself.....trying to build self esteem after this is rough, though, i must admit....knowing i have destroyed my husbands and I have lost the respect of everyone i know....has anyone else had similar feelings? i am just so angry at myself some days i mistakingly even take it out on my h sometimes.....anyone have suggestions on how to work through my anger at MYSELF?
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