I am probably not a good one to ask. I confessed. That is the only reason that I am still married. if I had been caught, my husband would have left. If I had not told, I wouldn't have been able to stay. I don't do well with hiding big secrets from those I love. Some will say they are sparing the ones the love from pain. But sometimes I wonder...exactly from whom are they saving the pain? Is it really their SO...honestly? For me, I had to come clean -- out of truth and out of respect.

That's hard to say. I think that if the affair is found out, one of two things usually happen. 1. Either you decide to repair the marriage, or 2. you divorce.

If you work on your marriage, the affair must end, you have to give the marriage 100%. Things can't go back to the way they were before the affair. I believe if there weren't problems, there wouldn't be an affair.

So, with that being said, I believe you could change your cheating ways if the problems were worked on without any knowledge of the affair.

I hope that makes sense.

That's hard to say. I think that if the affair is found out, one of two things usually happen. 1. Either you decide to repair the marriage, or 2. you divorce.

If you work on your marriage, the affair must end, you have to give the marriage 100%. Things can't go back to the way they were before the affair. I believe if there weren't problems, there wouldn't be an affair.

So, with that being said, I believe you could change your cheating ways if the problems were worked on without any knowledge of the affair.

I hope that makes sense.

That's hard to say. I think that if the affair is found out, one of two things usually happen. 1. Either you decide to repair the marriage, or 2. you divorce.

If you work on your marriage, the affair must end, you have to give the marriage 100%. Things can't go back to the way they were before the affair. I believe if there weren't problems, there wouldn't be an affair.

So, with that being said, I believe you could change your cheating ways if the problems were worked on without any knowledge of the affair.

I hope that makes sense.

Sorry about all the replies! My computer messed up & I didn't realize it had added it!

I think it all depends who you tell.

Sometimes even coming clean is for our own conscious to be wiped , so we don't have that lingering over "our" heads. Sometimes telling is not so much because of respect because respect you can show and give by learning and not doing it again. many people have told and did it over and over again , some have not told and never did it again. It all depends on your reasons for telling , but usually its all about how YOU feel about telling or not.

It's really not all about YOU, though, is it? A marriage doesn't work that way, either. Don't the spouses have any rights? Don't they have a right to know that their spouse slept with someone else, could have brought home STDs? Don't you think your spouse has the right to decide if they want to stay with YOU? You make it sound like it's all about YOUR choice about whether or not to end the affair, or whether or not YOU want to leave, or whether or not YOU want to tell. I challenge that view point. Every situation is different, yes. But, if my wife hadn't gotten caught in her web of lies, she would not have made changes. She would have kept on thinking only about herself and her needs. What about my needs? Was she meeting them when she was sleeping with the OM? I don't think so. Sometimes, it takes a severe shock to wake people up out of apathy. I know some of you are in marriages where you are not fulfilled at all, apparently your spouse is only thinking about themselves. So, you do it, too. Some call it survival. Some call it chemistry. I still call it thinking only about your well-being and what you want. I'm sorry. A marriage is more than that. Your spouses deserve to know the truth about the person they are married to. Your spouses have the right to decide if THEY want to work this out or go on with their lives. Your revelation will help THEM decide one way or the other. Why do you keep it to yourself? I think many do because they get to have their cake and eat it, too. You get needs met from more than one person. You have security and you have your fun. But, if your spouses find out, the fun is over, and possibily the security. I'm still finding it very hard to understand some of you.

oops, you may be blunt sometimes, but I have to agree. I think sometimes the problem is that people say tey want to change or firgure it out or whatever, but they are still looking at the world through their own glasses, so to speak. They are trying to make decisions that affect others based on what will be easest (yes easiest), best, least painful, whatever - for them. How can continuing an affair ever be good for the othere spouse. how can having the knowledge that you got away with it and could do so again good for the spouse? In many cases, I still don't think all of us are actually thinking about our spouses. And yes, I expect a lot of negativity thrown my way. Sometimes life just hurts.

I think my h "knows" w/o me telling him. I stopped my affair in January. I'd rather be dead than ever cheat again.

I have to comment more in the middle. I really think that everyone here is very different. Admitting the affairs to my S/O has been a huge part of my healing process. Just last night, I told him of 2 other 1 time affairs that occured in the past. For me, I've loathed parts of myself, my behavior for so long. It's meant alot to have been honest and seen that my S/O still loves me as I am in my entirety, good and bad. I have what I feel like a very dark history and sharing these things, with my S/O and my therapist are helping me become whole agian. So, I don't think I could change my cheatin ways w/o admitting the affairs.

Thanks, Pixie. I'm glad you came clean with the other 2, and I'm glad it is helping you. I'm glad your husband loves you, regardless. That's unconditional love and not so much a fluffy feeling or a chemistry.

Quite honestly, I've only met two people on the infidelity board who were the betrayed who wished they did not know. Most of us want to know something that impacts us so. If I had cancer and my wife was the only one that knew, it takes away my right to know so that I can make decisions about my treatment. Without telling me, I will slowly die and not really know for sure why. But, she had control of the information all along. An affair is usually a cancer in the marriage that is going to kill the marriage. I'm part of the marriage. I have a right to know about the cancer so I can have input into the treatment, or if I'm just going to give up and let the cancer kill it. Still, I have a right to know. An affair affects more than one person. It's just inconceivable to me to hold back such an important thing, when the marriage is obviously dying, anyhow.

Every case is different. In my case, friends and priest know about the affair, but my husband does not. If you know the reasons why you cheated and got proffesional advice, an outside view, I think you could come to terms of not cheating again. The only thing I have learned in my marriage is that if things are not right inside of you forget about making it right for someone else even your spouse? I have cut the cord fast with the other. I have not seen or spoken to him in 5 months . The affair only lasted 3 weeks but a friendship was established before. I could not be with 2 at a time. I seperated from my husband and then did the affair. I took his behavior as an excuse and that is not right. I said i had the right because he was acting crazy. i said ok now it is my turn and that is not right.

Then after, I took one month away from home and it helped, alone with kids. My husband got anger management , and I went to counseling sessions , work, school etc.. I did not want to repeat the samething. I wanted to try different approaches with myself. I did not want the same kind of marriage. I wanted to see things differently , so I did and am still doing the therapy with and without my husband. I cheated but i do not lable myself as one. I know why I did it and I do not want to resolve to those measures again unless I am divorced. You do have to get out of your own head and look for different points of view preferably before the affair, but in most of our cases we did the opposite, but I do not think i have to feel the edge of the sword for what i did every moment . I think the plan is to look for healthier alternatives. if you honestly want to look for a resolution look for help that is not only based on your judgement. he signed up for singlesnest and had a girl(s) over the house while I was gone. I just did not want to give up without trying a second time. I wanted to make a clean break together or apart. I need to know for sure I have tried everything in my power.

I agree with Oopshediditagain's posting here. I'm still waiting for the truth and the longer I wait - the more smoke screens I see - the more frustrated (and less inclined to forgive) I become.

I revealed my fist one. I actually thought that somehow it would help to make us closer if I answered all of her questions. I was SOOOOOO wrong! answering all of her questions was the biggest mistake of my life.It was just amunition and gasoline on the fire. I stopped my most recent affair and I have no plans of telling her about it.

MoreHurt,
It seems like you feel that revealing everything should put you in the clear with your W. Doesn't she have a right to be angry? Committing adultery can't be expected to do anything but hurt a relationship and you're delusional to think otherwise. The only thing more disrespectful you can do to your W after the affairs would be to continue weaving the web of lies. When you stepped out of the marriage, you did so on your own terms. Now it's her turn to set the terms of forgiveness. She may decide that your behavior is not forgivable. Who are you at this point to say what kind of response from her is justified?