I don't know how to get out of this. I feel as if I have ruined my life and if there was anything I could do short of selling my soul I would do it to turn back the clock. Obviously I realize that is not possible. My husband likes to tell me I'm stupid and an idiot because that is how he feels, because he is so hurt. I feel that way anyway, I don't usually say anything when he says those things, I don't know how to defend myself or if I even have the right to. He says he doesn't know if he can stay. He has other friends, even loves another girl but she is in a different state. I sometimes wonder if I was dead if he would marry her. They have the same values and would never cheat like I did. I really didn't mean to do anything bad. I had been depressed, on the verge of suicide several times and he would just walk away from me crying out to him. It was as if he hated me, I didn't even know if he liked me anymore. People at work started noticing I would come in all puffy eyed from crying. One person I worked closely with started to talk to me. He was married, I felt like he was a brother or something but then I started to have feelings for him after a year or so. I didn't want anything to happen but I made the mistake of telling him how I felt and he jumped in with both feet as if he was waiting for it. I let myself be led and soon we were in the middle of an affair. We tried ending it several times but we worked so closely together it was impossible. My husband found out by reading a text on my phone and then checking my email. It was completely devastating for him. It has been almost a year. He still doesn't know if he can stay but it's hard for him to leave the kids. I don't feel as if I have anyone right now and I am so sad I think of suicide pretty much daily but I don't want to do that to my kids. I have already made so many bad decisions. I am just looking for some support and understanding. I see so many posts from people who hate people like me or who have been hurt by a cheater. I never wanted to hurt anyone and I don't feel like I can find forgiveness anywhere. I believe that God has forgiven me but for some reason it isn't helping me get over the pain of what I have done to my husband or myself. To be sure he wasn't a great husband but he didn't deserve to be cheated on. My mom was neglected and abused and she never cheated. My friend was neglected and abused and she left him. Why couldn't I have been a big person and done something like that? Instead I did something underhanded. My affair lasted nine months. If anyone out there understands can you please talk to me? I practically wake up crying daily. I'm crying right now. I can hardly manage to do my job every day. I really don't know what to do or how to move on. I feel like I am going to be waiting forever for my husband to decide whether or not I'm worth a second chance. He says it could take years. So sorry if this post seems senseless. I truly hope that someone out there will understand.
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