how could i not think of everything i could and would lose? the one man who has always loved respected honored and adored me? the one man I have always until the A done all of those things for? My dogs, my home, my job, the respect of everyone I know, my friends, everything. My security. My pride and self esteem. And I did it to myself! OMG how could I? Not to mention, I wonder how my poor husband feels. Especially with having our first child on the way. I wonder if he will hate me forever. the thought of him with someone else gives me chest pain makes me want to vomit so what the hell was i thinking? how could i not think of that? jesus i make myself sick when i think of the OM so gross. I cant imagine how my husband feels and what a major violation this is to him. Every time i feel our son kick i just get even sicker. how could i tell him the truth when i did....how could i let it go so far? he probably feels like i tried to trap him. i wanted to tell him the truth for so long i was just so scared. it just kind of came out. in the moment i decided...enough it's the right thing to do you owe it to him stop pretending.......i know i am a good woman and i want to feel like i deserve love again but sometimes i just dont know..........my husband really is the best man on earth and i never wanted to leave him and def didnt want to be with the other man .......how do you explain that!!? He's been gone about half the time we have been together and now i feel so freakin selfish for always feeling so alone when he was way more alone than me and in a way worse situation than me the whole time. I miss being married.....i know it's about more than love, it's about respect, honor, commitment, sacrifice, having a best friend, having someone to always have your back and pick you up when you fall. How could i lose sight of that for someone i didnt even want to be with? didnt even love? i cared about him yes, even told him i loved him but I didn't. Trying to work through it in counseling but the whole thing makes me sick. OUr lives should be so different right now we should be painting a nursery for our son how could i take so much away from my husband? how could i do so much NOT THINKING????????????
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