I am hoping this doesn't offend anyone but I can't help feeling this way today. Something lady said in one of her posts how cheating seems to trump the betrayed's other/previous actions has me really stewing so I'm just going to spew here and hope maybe someone will give me some helpful perspective. In my relationship I was the pursuer. My H then single seemed like the ideal guy, kind, thoughtful, big ideas, lots of ambition etc. etc. fast forward, we are married a few years and get into a stressful situation that involves my family. Without me knowing it he starts blaming me for all our problems and won't talk to me about it. Starts punishing me silently for things I have no idea about. Starts comparing me to my dad who has bipolar disorder and I'm not like that at all. He decides I don't deserve for him to help me out so he doesn't get a job for over a year. Meanwhile I have two jobs and walk home in the middle of the night from my second job cause he needs the car. I handle all the finances, work and take care of the house, shopping and do all the cooking even when he is home all day driking beer and watching tv. Cater to his every need, help him when he is sick, sad, angry, etc. When I am sad he leaves me to cry or gets angry with me. He finally gets a job that I find for him but he works at night. I miss him so I work all day and then go with him at night to help him with his work so we can hang out together. Finally we move back to his family, he's supposed to be happy right? NO...continues to ignore me even worse, stays home and plays video games with his brother while I go out and find whatever work I can. I make a career out of practically nothing, buy us a car, find us a house to live in. He is out of work for over a year and his brother gets him a job which he almost quits because he doesn't like it but he sticks with it because I threw a fit. He has some health problems so he feels he can't get a job that brings home any substantial amount of money. He can't bring himself to go to school or get a career that will help us as a family even though I offer to suport him at home while he goes to school. I buy him a car, give him presents, cook him dinner every night, ask him how he feels, try to help him with his health, find out what's wrong with him so he can feel better and do more with his life but he doesn't want to do anything about it. I think maybe at some point he will realize how much I do for him and give me something back but it never ends. He forgets my birthday, anniversary, oops didn't have enough money to buy me anything for Christmas...makes jokes about the presents I get him. I put extra money in his account which I manage so he can buy me a present but he doesn't notice or uses it for other stuff. He goes out to dinner alone or with his brother, doesn't think to invite me. Texts others during date nights that I arrange for us. He tells me only he would think I am beautiful and other people just wouldn't be able to see it...he doesn't believe in foreplay, just sex when we go to bed. He doesnt' approve of me going to college. I get up at night with the babies so he can sleep for his health. He hardly ever asks me how I am. This has been my life for so many years. I'm no saint, I'm not perfect but I loved him and gave him everything I could and was patient with him and understanding even when he was the biggest asshole on the planet. He forbade me from talking about our relationship with any of my friends or family so noone knows any of this stuff, they just think he is this great guy because he's all about appearances. He's great with his friends, they love him, he goes and helps his mom out at her house. He's talking to his best friend right now on the phone, a woman he's in love with and holds in high esteem. I know having an affair was wrong but seriously is it any wonder that I cheated? My needs went unment for so long. I know I know, I should have left but instead I made the wrong decision. I'm so seriously angry that he just kicked me to the curb after everything I did for him, after all I gave him it wasn't even worth him trying to work it out for me. No I hurt him too much...it's always about him. I seriously could cry. I feel like I did this to myself in a way because I kept giving when there was just nothing there and I drained myself. Again I'm no saint, I'm not saying I'm the greatest person or trying to justify why I cheated. I know it was wrong. I just don't understand why I fell in love with such an asshole and still have feelings for him even when he doesn't love me anymore. But guess what, he's so great at hiding it that I'm the only person that knows he's an asshole, everyone else thinks he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. Or is it me...am I crazy? I'm totally not exaggerating any of this. Right now my house is in foreclosure because I lost my job to a layoff and because of the economy I couldn't find another one right away. I stayed at home with the kids, baked bread and other goods and sold them at church, found another job as a part time accountant but it wasn't enough. Did he help? did he even try to work overtime or get another job? No. When I try to talk to him about the house he just says it sucks. The burden of trying to fix everything is still on my shoulders. No wonder he wants to stay in the relationship but be emotionally checked out and in love with another woman. He still gets dinner every night, still gets sex when he wants it. What is wrong with me? Seriously. If anyone has some perspective here I really appreciate it. Sorry about the long post. Thanks for your thoughts, I think I have some serious introspection to do.
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