In twenty days, I'll be facing an anniversary of a rather important day in my life. It's the day that I had my first kiss with OW.

Only she wasn't OW at the time. I hadn't even met my wife yet. It was twenty-one years ago, and it was our first and last kiss. This will be the first time in fifteen years that I actually have the ability to contact her and let her know that I'm thinking of her on that day. Except I can't, because we had an emotional affair, and I have promised my wife that I will not contact her ever again. Furthermore, my wife recently gave me the gift of forgiveness, which I appreciate more than anything I have ever received in my life, and I really don't want to give her reason to feel it was a mistake.

This is one of those problems that I really already know the solution to. I have to simply ignore the day and let it pass without incident. But there are two issues with that which I can't ignore.

One is that I think OW is almost certain to contact me in some way; she'll call or send E-mail, or something. I can refuse to answer the phone or block her mail, but if she tries to call I won't be able to ignore the simple fact that she DID reach out.

The other issue is that in so many ways, I actually want her to.

Even this isn't the thing that's churning my head right now. The real problem is how hard I am finding it to resist the idea of sending OW some kind of message, even indirectly, that I'm thinking of her on that day. The idea I got into my head is to post a song on my Myspace page, which I'm fairly sure she visits from time to time, that will tell her something of my feelings. Here it is:
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Love Theme from "St. Elmo's Fire" - (For Just A Moment)
David Foster
Written by David W. Foster and John Stephen Parr


We laughed
Until we had to cry
And we loved
Right down to our last goodbye
We were the best
I think we'll ever be
Just you and me
For just a moment

We chased
That dream we never found
And sometimes
We let one another down
But the love we made
Made everything alright
We shone so bright
For just a moment

Time goes on
People touch and then they're gone
And you and I
Will never love again
Like we did then

Someday, when we both reminisce
We'll both say
There wasn't too much we missed
And through the tears
We'll smile when we recall
We had it all
For just a moment

Time goes on
People touch and then they're gone
But you and I
Will never really end
We'll never love again
Like we did then

We laughed until we had to cry
And we loved right down to our last goodbye
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The way I see it, it's a song about an end to a relationship that never really was. It fits so well it's almost written for the occasion. I want very much for her to hear it and understand that I cherish that brief moment we once had, long ago, before I even knew my wife and long before the recent the EA. In a way, I almost feel like I owe her some kind of "last goodbye" which I never gave her because I had to cut off contact in such an abrupt way.

I think that if OW hears this song and knows it's from me, she may understand that she shouldn't pick up the phone and call, that she should accept that "we'll never love again."

I strongly suspect that my wife would not approve. She would most likely view it as seriously pushing the boundaries of No Contact - while I wouldn't strictly be contacting OW, that's something of a technicality. It would be kind of like visiting her favorite restaurant on her birthday and then trying to pretend that I wasn't actually TRYING to bump into her, but hey, these things happen.

But it's so hard to resist. I keep thinking of ways that I might be able to do it and get away with it somehow. I wonder whether I shouldn't just tell my wife that I intend to do it, and point out that the song itself is about ENDING a relationship, so how can one argue with that? I also think that maybe I could just do it and then say that it wasn't meant to be a message to OW, but just a statement of what my feelings are on that particular day. And I wonder if OW would even see it if it were there - in other words, I wonder if she's already put me behind her forever, and maybe she has no intention of looking me up on that day.

Like I said, I know what I have to do. I have to resist the temptation. But it's going to be terribly hard doing it. I guess I'm just asking for support and opinions.