Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

0 Online

and the saga continues....

 



So here's an update to my situation. Lately I've been feeling upset because the whole cheating thing is getting to be too much to handle especially since I love another guy that I'll never be able to be with. such a waste of my time. So we get into a fight yesterday and I go off on him about how it's too much for me to handle and how he doesn't care. Well I'm sending text after text freaking out because he's not answering. So finally I'm like listen I trying to talk to you about something so I say again that this situation is too much to handle and he says yeah I agree we should stop because you overreact and are too emotional. Obviously I wouldn't have become emotional if he didn't lead me on for all this time. You don't just develop random feelings for someone it's got to be something they're doing or making you think. I tell him all this and he can't believe I'm blaming this whole thing on him and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I finally tell him I'm going to therapy because of how bad he messed me up and he says that I'm already messed up and he didn't do anything and he's never disrespected me which is a lie. He says that I can blame him all he wants but he's not arguing with me anymore and doesn't hate me but he's 100% done. So of course he twists that on me being the bad guy that blamed him and freaked out on him. I keep saying I'm sorry (because I'm an idiot) but he ignores me and finally blocks me. At this point I'm really upset so I call my friend and she tells me that he talked to her about me and said these horrible things about me. How I'm a psycho whore that's obsessed with having sex with him and that he moved to Florida to start over and never had any intention of me visiting him. I'm hysterically because I can't believe this. This whole thing was a lie. He lied and manipulated me from the very beginning. I should have known better everyone kept warning me about him. This guy that I trusted and loved and risked everything pretty much can't stand me and thinks I'm grimy. He's a totally different person when I talk to him. So at this point I feel like I'm gonna have a mental breakdown. He still has me blocked and I don't know where to go from here. I'm at such a loss. Why can't I just accept that he thinks this way and block him? In a way I want to be able to tell him it's over and tell him I know everything just so I at least have some control over this. Advice anyone please? I went to therapy today and that helped a little, but has anyone gone through being manipulated by someone who you thought would never do that to you?


Replies

abetterman
abetterman

Cut the cord and never talk to him again. Block him and never look back.
dsj2017
dsj2017

It sounds like you told him every thing he needs to know already. Block him. Go NC forever. Turn all your energy inward and to nurturing yourself and healing yourself and moving on from this person. He sounds toxic, the relationship sounds toxic, and life is too short to suffer like this anymore.

And remember, revenge is a dish best served cold. Don't look back.
shoretimenow
shoretimenow

Ditto ^^^ Hands Down!
sarbear
sarbear

I know all of this and I appreciate the suggestions. . My thing is I've had zero control in this relationship and he told me he's 100% done, but I still feel like I need to be the one that says its over and moves on. I'll never be able to regain my power back I feel. He's done this to me before..said he's done, blocked me and then unblocked me at a later time. I don't feel like this is any different. He's expecting me to wait around for him to get in touch with me because the last thing he's seen in our text is that I wanted to work it out.. Little does he know though that I'm completely over it and he should know. I'm sick of being used and lied especially because I put him on such a high petistial and never thought he'd do this to me. Yes, I should have known better. I made decisions and I'm reaping the consequences, but I still think he's evil. This healing process is going to suck. I hope I can get through it. It's been one day and it's already been a huge struggle. He's like an addiction that I need to break, and this has been going on because I know the addiction has been bad for me but I kept giving into..thinking I could control it but I couldn't.
shoretimenow
shoretimenow

I'm confused at what you are saying. You want to have the last word? If you insist on it, but it will look pathetic-just what he wants, because he has made it crystal clear he is no longer interested (which from the sounds of him, it sounds like his girlfriend drew the short straw and you came out a winner)....if you insist you can send him an email saying 'goodbye' or write it out then tear it up. Or are you saying you WANT this 'relationship'?

And then take all the above advice. Block, delete, NC and focus on full contact with your husband. Focusing your energy on your marriage will tell you if you want that anymore and if not, then you can go and find someone who will treat you with some respect. This dude does sound toxic.
sarbear
sarbear

No no I don't want the relationship. And it's not about having the last word. It's the fact that I want to be able to finally tell him it's over. It's not crystal clear that he says it's over because he does this all the time to me. This a game to him. When he texts me again he won't expect me to be done. I don't know if that makes sense. I am going to focus inward and heal to hopefully close this chapter. It'll be a day to day challenge.
shoretimenow
shoretimenow

Ok....well then, if you do want to close this chapter, when he sends you that text, you can tell him. "You said it was over and I've moved on. See ya." That's all. Nothing more.
Sounds like the vast majority of your relationship is drama filled, not friendship filled, definitely not love filled; not only that he doesn't sound like a stand up guy.
And you have a marriage to decide if you want to really be in without this 'noise' from an outsider.
Focus on yourself, don't be afraid to be alone, learn about what you want in a partner and in life, have 'me' time......and yes, it will be a day to day, sometimes an hour to hour challenge. This is a wonderful group here who can help you navigate all of these emotions.
sarbear
sarbear

Thank you so much!

Yes, whatever we had was filled with drama. We weren't friends. I thought we were friends and I had love for him, But I was living in a fantasy world thinking he would eventually feel the same way. When someone gives you mixed signals you almost have no choice but to have hope. All he thought of me was a sexual object. That was it.

Feeling upset and depressed about the whole situation - lying to my husband and torn between the two of them plus twenty more different feelings - was one thing but now realizing that the person I thought I knew for years really couldn't stand me and thought so low of me is another. It feels like every part of my body is being stabbed. The pain is completely unreal.
shoretimenow
shoretimenow

(Hugs)....It is unreal and it is exactly how you described. Know that we have all felt that. I promise you. I remember it well. But with NC (to keep from reopening that wound), I promise you the pain dissipates....not all at once, not like some magic pill.....but the waves of emotions die down and there is a longer interval between waves until eventually it becomes calm.

Try to do something proactive with the pain.......(its not like you can cry to your husband about it).....write it out, run it out, journal, exercise, Clover used to tell me "move away from the computer, get in your car and drive", become so focused on something else and I promise with NC, it will dissipate. One day at a time......or one hour at a time. We are here. We get it.
sarbear
sarbear

Thank you. I will certainly try to be patient with myself and keep myself distracted. I wish there was an easy fix but that's not the way things work. It's hard because I've been feeling so alone lately. Any of my friends that I still talk about it to are essentially over talking about it because it's been years of me not listening to them. No one really gets it. It's easy to judge and say to do this and that, but no one really understands unless you've gone through it. I need to know that I'm not alone with these feelings. I appreciate having this online support group. It makes me feel better knowing others have gone through this in some way or another.
gravinggirl
gravinggirl

I promise it will get better with time and NC. I don't know your whole history, but maybe do some reading on toxic relationships, gaslighting, and narcissists and see if it clarifies anything for you about this guy. There are certain people who use and blame others and don't feel bad about it. When you get snared by one of them, it makes you feel crazy in the end.

Try to gather yourself back together and love yourself moving forward.
gravinggirl
gravinggirl

I also know what it feels like to want to set the record straight. I am certain my former AP will use me as a sad story to sucker the next woman ("I fell in love with someone and left my marriage for her, but she strung me along and didn't leave her husband, so now I am alone and heartbroken!"). That's absolutely not what happened. The guy turned darkly manipulative, and it became clear he actually enjoyed my pain and didn't give a fuck about either of our families. I got away from him because I needed to do so regardless of whether or not my marriage survived. I worked through the "last word" issue by writing it out and talking to my therapist about it. I know the truth, and that is what really matters.
sarbear
sarbear

yeah I totally get that. The thing with him is that he's a closed door manipulator. He played me the whole time and just got exactly what he wanted from me. He acted like he cared and asked me if I would move to be with him if things didn't work out with his girlfriend. He essentially strung me along and told me everything I wanted to hear. But in reality, he never cared. He thought of me as a disgusting whore. He never acted like he felt that way about me. He's so charming that I believed all the lies. I just have a hard time with accepting that he believes that he won at this. That he got me. That he was in control. That he ended it. That I was crazy and messed up whatever it was that we had. I need him to know that IM ending it. That I'm done with him. That I know what a manipulative liar he is. That what he's done will forever stay with me. I want to set the record straight and I'm just hoping that karma is real and the universe will put that into motion. I can't even blame him for everything because I made conscious decisions in this. I made a decision to start it, a decision to continue it and now I want to make a decision to end it. But he did take advantage of how willing I was because there's no way I would have risked my entire life for someone I didn't think was worth it. Im not stupid. I'm human. I feel sadness and anger right now so I'm currently write a I hate you note just to vent. Hopefully that helps. The addiction to him is so strong that a part of me still wants him despite how awful he is and how awful he makes me feel. He became this weird comfort for me and now I'm grieving because that's gone.
gravinggirl
gravinggirl

My guess is you will be sorting through sadness and anger for a while. However, if you want to make a powerful statement to him, nothing is more powerful than total silence. That makes it clear you won't feed his ego anymore and are moving on.
sarbear
sarbear

that's exactly what my friend just told me. that what he wants is to have his ego filled and if I ignore him he'll go insane and starve. he's expecting me to be right there waiting.
oh and I just found out also that he wanted to get with my friend, the one that's been telling me all this. as recent as last week when we were still talking, he was going over to her desk at work with that "look." he would have been into messing around with my best friend. that's the icing to all this! LOL